Hi, I have had a pretty low year - I moved cities (in an attempt to
experience change after a stagnant few years), had a period of suicidal
ideation at the start of the year after a breakup (which I’m still
working through over a year on - being my f...
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Hi, I have had a pretty low year - I moved cities (in an attempt to
experience change after a stagnant few years), had a period of suicidal
ideation at the start of the year after a breakup (which I’m still
working through over a year on - being my first relationship and quite
complex), and ultimately have been struggling with pretty debilitating
depression and social anxiety. I’m quite stubborn and have some really
big trust issues, so I haven’t been very honest with many people about
the ‘difficulties’ I’ve had. But I have been consistently seeing my
psych of a few years regularly through the year. I have a frustrating
relationship with/mindset around psych appointments. I've always
struggled with trusting that my psych’s response to what I tell them is
genuine and they're not secretly judging me. I also am incredibly hard
on myself (I’ve been told, although I feel like everyone is) and just
cannot silence or turn down the voice, no matter what I try, so I judge
myself SO heavily about what I’ve said following appointments. I also
have some abandonment issues so I think my psych (and everyone else)
doesn’t want anything to do with me and wants to stop seeing me, but is
too kind to confront me about that. This year, I can (now, finally) see
that I’ve slipped into this norm of being very low, not making much of
an effort to improve, using my mental health as an excuse, and am just a
pretty lifeless person to be around. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts
since my last psych appointment, where I raised that I had realised I
have very poor emotional resilience. She didn’t disagree (I wouldn’t
want her to lie to try to protect me, but I guess I was almost hoping
she’d say something in my defence), so that has cemented it in my head
and made me go back through so many conversations and feel so guilty and
ashamed of how weak I’ve been, and am. I am having all these urges to
run away from everyone, to email my psych and apologise for everything,
and cancel my next appt and never see her again because that is what I
think she wants. This is recurring, unable to shake the belief of
everyone wanting me to leave them and disappear. I don’t really know
what I’m posting for, but I guess I'd just love some advice re how to
deal with these feelings from this appointment. I've raised these
thoughts with my psych when they’ve come up in the past, but again, I
can’t trust that whatever she says in response is genuine and truthful,
not something she is saying just to protect me.
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