UPDATED: General Troubles

[bear_cub1]

Hi. This is my first post here. I don't really know the best way to write this but here goes. I have troubles with social anxiety and depression and i'm also gay. I have had these 'problems' for a while and have gotten help over the years but nothings really worked a great deal. In the last year I have stoped all my meds,stoped counseling ect and i think i'm better off for it. I was feeling better but things happen and i'm back feeling the way I was. I have just been pushing my self to get out more, go more places and try to be happy. It's worked but with that has come problems. 

I don't have many friends and only one friend in town. We have been mates since high school and have started talking again. He has been great and I push my self a lot more to do stuff and he pushes my comfort zone and it's been good. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a week and some times even more. But there is a new problem that I knew would happen and that I tried to stop. I'm falling for him big time. 

I liked him at school all those years ago and when he left I cut off contact so I wouldn't punish myself. We weren't close mates but I still missed him and I thought that it was the right thing to do.After a few years we started talking again and started to hang out and that was a big step for me as I hadn't had friends in a few years. It was good but I soon felt these feelings for him again. I tried to stop them, time apart,trying not to think about it ect and it didn't work. I have liked him for so long so it's not a new thing. It's bad though because he is my only friend in town and he's a good mate and I hate that I have feelings for him. There is also mixed signals from him and I think he likes me back but is scared to say it. I have done this before in school where two guys liked me and I liked them back but no one said any thing. It wasn't till they come out that I knew they liked me back and that we could have been in a relationship. 

I feel bad that I like him but I always ask what if. What if he likes me back and no one acts on it and we both miss out. Or what if I do come out to him and he feels strange hanging out with me and I lose him as a mate and go back to how I was. And of course i'm scared that he will leak and tell some one else. 

I am kind of out but not to my family. I come out to a mate a while ago and it was so hard to do. It took a while to say it but when I did and he didn't care that I was gay,it was so good. The feeling of telling some one my secret was so amazing. But it really hit me hard that this is real. It truly didn't sink in that I was gay and what it would mean until I told him because it had all ways just been my secret.I have come out to a lot of people but no family yet. I just don't think they will like the idea as most of them are really anti gay. 

I really think my mates bi but i'm too scared to ask. Again what if. What if he feels bad about it and closes up about it, or what if he thinks i'm asking because I like him and that could also wreck our friendship.Our friendship is good and it's always one on one. We hang out,go for big drives and just do stuff together and it's been good. There is also signals there but I don't know if they are real or i'm just wanting him to like me so bad that I make them up or twist them to how I want it to be. 

I really want to come out to him because I feel like i'm just lying to him all the time and it's not the real me. I'm also scared that he won't like the gay me and that he will feel uncomfortable spending so much time together. It's a difficult thing to deal with and I feel really bad about the whole situation.

Any help would be appreciated. I'm starting counseling soon but thought I would try here as well. Thanks

[Paul]

Hey again bear_cub, welcome back.

The first part of your experience sounds like it really sucked. The last part of your post sounds like things are working out which is extremely awesome.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that in the last year you've become a lot more comfortable with your sexuality. That really is key to having the strength to say to people "you can you have your problem with me and you can keep your problem with me"

Have you got a doc or psych helping you look after your mental health?

Take care

Paul

[bear_cub1]

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply's. I have only recently seen my doctor and psych in the last week after having a six month break. As you might no you can only have 12 appointments on ataps a year so they run out fast. I was seeing him every two weeks and sometimes once a week. He ended up seeing me for a discount after that but it was costing too much. I went back this week because i was just feeling down again.

I had a problem with my first client for my new business and long story short they just wanted everything for next to nothing but it really got me down and stressing if this whole thing was the right path to take. That coupled with a few other things, seen me seeking help again. I had to go to the gp and get a mental health plan and then go see my counsellor. I'm hopping that we can do some hypnotising and rid me from a few things lol. I'm not on any medication and i won't ever take them again. I think they just don't work for me and at the end of the day they might help some but it's not a magic bean to change your life. You need to rid yourself of every thing that's running you down and make change to get better. I felt meds made me worse and suicidal a lot more and also the side affects weren't great.

They tried to push meds on me this time and i said no. I just don't want that hassle any more or a fake happiness or numb the problems i have. I feel working though them all is the best thing to do. I will keep seeing him but i might also seek other people as well and look at different options. I have a feeling most doctors etc read my file and go yep, anxiety and depression. I feel they are symptoms of a bigger problem and that's why nothing seems to work. I feel we are treating the wrong thing so i want to go get a second opinion this time with out them knowing any thing about me. Will see what happens.

Thanks for your comments. Appreciate it.