new guy here needing some.support.

[tom12321]

I am a gay male 26 living in sydney. I have been suffering near most of my life. Teased in primary school had ADHD through all of my educational life tried to hide being gay in my early years as i knew since i was 8. ATM i in sex and love addict meeting which are full on and i am finding it hard to have the energy to attend them. I also got anxiety depression and borderline personality disorder. I consider myself a strong person but lately i have been exhausted from my thoughts and emotions. Mainly i miss my dad and i have tried everything to get his attention. I know i am not to blame for his issues but i feel responsible someway. My psychologist for homework wants me to write a letter saying goodbye and what i am grateful for him for. I know there is nothing more i can do to get him in my life and i have to let him go but i am scared. I am seeking out attention in other guys which i know isnt the answer and a poor substitute for his attention. But its like he is still alive its not like he is dead. I am finding it extremely difficult let go but if i dont its hurting me emotionally. Has anyone here gone through this similar circumstance if so how did you cope.

[Amelbourneboy]

Hi Tom,

Welcome and thanks for posting. I have found this forum to be a great help and amazing support from people who either are in the same situation or have advice. I hope you find it to be some help to you aswell 🙂

Im also gay, (not that it makes any difference) and its always hard to let go over any one we care about. Ive lost touch with friends over the years and in an odd way we actually grieve for them even though they are not dead.

Saying goodbye to your dad in a letter will help you bring out emotions you never knew you had. I find writting to be a great way to get it all out. Some times i type it all out and than delete it. Its my way of dealing with it. Much like typing in this forum helps put it all out there. No one even has to read it, or if you want to share it you can, its all up to you.

Anyone with anxiety and/or depression will tell you finding the energy to do anthing can be impossible. I also love sleeping, its like peacetime. Are the meetings helping? do you have support from other family members or friends?

[white knight]

Hi Tom,  welcome here

I dont propose to be an expert at every topic. But if you were much older and had endured a long time of things like abuse or ridicule or maybe rejection in small doses then you'd find it much easier to send your dad off on his merry way.

That's what's happened with my mother and I. I found it so easy in my 50's to get her out of my life....and importantly feel no guilt. But I tried to make it work for many decades.

So your loss, is still fresh and I think the writing of the letter is a not an uncommon request. Your psych is obviously trying to get you to accept the situation.

We adults all have choices. And often those choices are set in concrete with some people (my wife of 3 years lost her dad because she chose me to wed!!) There is zilch you can do.

You could always send him a birthday card every year. So he knows you exist and his mind just might decide one day that it has acted silly.

In the meantime explore and accept the wonderful caring person you are. Love life and feel the freedom. You cant choose your relatives in a sense.  But recently a woman that has been in my life for 40 years 14 years older than me, cared for me so much that I sent her a poem. The last line said "you are not old enough to be my mother....but you are a mum to me..."

You can pick your family after all....

take care

[justinok]

Hey mate, just a thought: maybe you're finding the meetings overwhelming because the style of it is not right for you. Personally i find 12 step programs really disempowering because they're built on making you acknowledge you're a weak person who is powerless to change things unless you turn your heart over to God, which I think is really defeating. The research on those progs shows that they aren't very effective either unless you are already a religious person and you are looking for that kind of support. What are you wanting to get out of going to the meetings?

[guest149]

In USA we hold our feelings in.  Robin Williams commits suicide, Gene Simmons (from Kiss) says the most vile things about people with depression as others do.  Mental Illness is the plague of the 21st century, much less being gay here.    I feel quite at home reading posts here, Australian culture must be different than ours.  I lost my best friends in 2010, my mama and papa.  They were the most perfect humans I ever knew.  I still can't work past the pain. They were the only part of my blood family that accepted me unconditionally.  My many other blood relatives including siblings hate me because I'm "queer".  They thump that bible and reject me.  Mi estúpida perra Cunada tells my nephew I am going to hell.  Mi cabrón Cuñado used to tell my mom if any of his kids were "queer" he would disown them.  I was beat to a bloody pulp by football jocks in high school, now football on TV or any form is a trigger for panic.  I know your relationship with your dad is different than mine, but in the end, neither one of us has a dad and the pain is unbearable.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Tom,

So I have issues with my dad too. He does not recognise I'm gay, it is too much for him so he ignores it. When I see him he has an incredible capacity to upset me by telling me about how he opposes gay marriage, or suggesting I sign up for a Russian bride. Sometimes people have said to let him go, but I don't want to, he is my dad. I feel better about my dad when I am well because I can bounce back and his response or lack of one doesn't matter as much. When I am dealing with depression it is probably a good thing to avoid him upsetting me. Personally I hold out hope and keep on with the relationships and things that make me happy - they balance out the dad thing. 

Rob.