Gay, old and and rurally isolated !

[pja53]

The BeyondBlue bus was in town the other day. I stopped by first thing, and chatted with a friendly person. Told her that I came out just four years ago after many, many years of marriage and denial of my sexuality, that as an older man living in a small country town I feel isolated as a gay man, and that I am now medicated for mild depression. So this is my first time on the forums.

Yes there are the "apps" like grindr and scruff. There's even a couple of gay and lesbian social groups. All good, although at times I still feel out of my depth. Different language, different expectations, different culture sometimes. And sure, I've learnt a lot in the past four years since coming out. But as an older, single, gay man, longing for intimacy and companionship, (rather than simply a "root", sorry !!) it seems as if the door is closed to me. Although I find it VERY, very difficult at times, I "put myself out there" (although find it so difficult making small talk). I have in the past even made the trek to Melbourne. But rarely do guys want to make the trip here, to the uttermost parts of the earth ! lol

The lady at the beyongblue van was very kind, helpful, and listened to me in a way that most others don't, or don't fully understand. I cried. Actually, I cried a lot. But thank you to her for listening. I don't honestly see any solutions. I take one day at a time. I force myself to go to work (except for the days that I chicken out and stay home, and hug the pillow). When asked the other day by someone who knows me "How are you?" my answer was simply, "I got up out of bed this morning." She understood.

Thanks for reading.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pja53,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I am so pleased you were able to find someone to chat with when the BB bus came into town.

I'm not in your situation at all and don't really know what to advise you, just wanted to let you know I have read your post and wish I had the answers for you.

My husband and I recently moved to the country, and though we have friends in the city, only an hour's drive away, they never come to see us, as like you mentioned, they think we live at the back of beyond! We visit them though.

We are in a small town, and I grew up in a small town, so I know a little of what it is like to feel different and like you don't fit ion.

My dear Mum suffered from dreadful depression when we were kids, so we were all treated like we had leprosy or something!

I guess like at times when we branch out and try to do something different we may be hit with obstacles overcoming our happiness. It is then we need to try and think of different ways of doing things.

Sometimes we need to make our own happiness. I know you think that is easy for me to write as I am still married, but even in a marriage a person can be very lonely and isolated. For years I have been longing to be held, loved and cared for, so I know how empty the heart can feel when that does not happen.

Please take care of your mental health and reach out for help when you need it, as you are doing now.

Once again, I wish I had the answers for you, as you seem like a very loving and caring guy.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[pja53]

Thank you Mrs Dool. Just to be heard, and, maybe for someone else in a similar situation to see the post, is all good. I was married for 32 years, and have 4 kids, some of whom don't speak to me now, so I understand your comments about being isolated even in a marriage. There was also the complication of religious beliefs in our situation as well.

Just watched SBS Mardi Gras and it looks fabulous - but of course also highlights the isolation of those in the rural community. However, it encourages me to keep putting myself out there. So thanks again for your encouragement.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pja53,

Thanks for getting back to me. If you don't mind me asking, when did you know you could not live with your wife any longer?

I'm sorry to read you have lost contact with a couple of your children, that must be really tough on you. I have lost touch with a couple of my nieces and nephews and that breaks my heart, let alone your own children!

Another question for you, how did you manage to sort out your feelings and emotions around religious beliefs? That can be a tough one! I try to live a Christian life but mess up quite often. I know that God forgives me and He loves me unconditionally, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling guilty at times!

One of my ministers actually suggested to me once that I went out and had an affair to get what my husband couldn't give me any more! I was a little shocked by that and didn't follow their advice!

You mentioned in your first post you have contacted Gay social groups and they have their own language, expectations and culture. I find that when ever I enter a new work place. Everything runs differently to the last place. We all have to start somewhere when we enter a new situation.

I hope you are also finding enjoyable things to do for yourself while you are waiting for a relationship to happen. I try to find different ways to make myself happy, like working in the garden, doing craft, cooking, visiting friends, going walking and so on.

It is important to do those things for yourself.

I'm pleased you enjoyed watching the Mardi Gras even though it was a little bitter sweet for you. I love the costumes and the make up!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[silverliningcloud]

Hi pja53, I admire your courage in coming out in a small tight knit community, I imagine it can't be easy but wow, well done you!

 I am sure there are more soulful communities to join beyond the grindr type apps, have you tried the Meetup app? Not sure if any of the Meetup groups would be local to you but it could be worth a try.

As Mrs Dools hit the nail on the head, keeping busy and self nurturing, absorbing yourself in your favourite music and films tends to be useful for me (I suspect you're a fellow introvert?), finding kindred souls regardless of gender or orientation is probably more important than a partner. Enjoying singledom in the company of good friends first is a good plan to me. Single and fabulous!  I'm sure a wonderful man is out there for you.

I wish you well, friend.

[pja53]

Hi Mrs D.

I note your comment about religion, guilt etc. Without going in to details, my faith has been a large part of my life, and I absolutely agree with your statement that God loves and forgives & forgets, and that is a real comfort to me in hard times.

Yes I have "joined" two gay or gay and lesbian social groups (actually, if truth to be told, I STARTED one of the groups 6 months ago, and we now have about 110 people on the contacts list from a wide area, and on average 30-35 attending the monthly dinners). The other group is a "men's only" group, mainly older guys and most with partners.

And yes, I do the gardening - both my own and professionally!! So I try to keep active, at least up to a point, lol.

Went to Melbourne last night, for a look see. Decided I still like the quiet of the country, even without all those wonderful gay men! lol

Thanks Mrs D. Hope you're doing ok 🙂

[pja53]

Hi SLC, and thanks for your post.

Have just looked up the reviews for the Meetup app. Sorry think I might give it a miss! lol.

I have recently signed up for Spotify and so have been able to download a variety of music to my phone. In the main I work alone, so I'm finding the music is good for my mood, (if only the phone battery would last longer, lol)

Yes I guess I am a shocking introvert, hiding behind the mask of being strong, secure and "having my shit together" (is that the correct aussie phrase???) But really, socially inept in large groups, better in twos and threes.

Keeping busy - yes I agree (especially when it's not the washing, cleaning, etc!) but there are times when I am paralysed to in-action. No motivation, and so the day drifts slowly by, with nothing achieved. But, I am learning to accept if that's the way that particular day is, then fine. That day will end, the sun will set, and tomorrow is a new day. The paradox is being lonely, yet in no way wanting to go out with a crowd (shopping, the pub, whatever)

Sorry, have rambled on enough.

Thank you SLC and hoping that you are OK

[smlk]

I admire your courage, I'm sure you'll find the person you're waiting for soon 

[Doolhof]

Hi Pja,

Good on you for starting up a group! That is wonderful. It is certainly a way you will find like minded people. I have been thinking of starting up a group too, one where people share their craft ideas with each other.

There are day groups, but for those of us who work, it doesn't suit at all.

Having dinners is a great idea, you all get to know each other that way.

I have a funny little story to tell you, and I hope you are not at all offended by it. My parents had a gardener whom they liked very much and he was a gay guy in a relationship.

One hot day, Mum went out to the garden to offer him a cold drink, only to come across him having a break and sun baking in the nude. Mum was quite excited by the experience and told this story for weeks.

Regarding days of inaction, we all have those! Like you, I try to put those days into perspective and remember tomorrow is a new day with a fresh lot of opportunities.

Loneliness can be a very difficult thing to understand. I am in a marriage, and some days I can feel so terribly lonely even with my husband in the same room.

On the weekend I stayed down at the beach in a cabin in a caravan park. As I walked along the beach, I looked at all the other people walking also, some in couples or in families, many like me were by themselves.

So many people, connected in one way, but not connected at all.

Having a sense of self acceptance and self appreciation is so important.

Speaking of gardening, do you know anything much about pomegranate trees? Totally off subject I know, but I love pomegranates and am thinking about buying a tree and wonder if you know anything about them.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[justinok]

Hey mate, congrats on starting up a group. To have over a hundred members in a rural area, that's amazing.

I don't blame you on giving the apps a miss, while I have made a few friends that way I've never found a relationship, and I find a lot of people on there to be flaky and have more issues than I do! 🙂 

Have you ever talked about depression as part of your social group? I have yet to meet a gay man that hasn't experienced it somewhere along the way. I've found if I bring the topic up about my own experiences then the floodgates usually open. You might not be as alone as you think, and the shared experience of depression breaks down the age and culture barrier I find.