My husband just told me he is trans

[Confused_gurl]

So I have been married for over ten years and have two children with my husband. He told me last week that he feels like a female. I am hoping I am being supportive, asked about pronouns and explored what it means. He doesn't really care about pronouns right now so when I write he and husband it is on his wishes.

But I am so emotionally confused and just want someone to tell me this can work. I am not gay but I love him as a person and think I can still make this work.

At the moment we are talking more openly and it feels great.. but he and I work in an environment that I feel if he does transition we will be fired. 

How do I support him through this without our whole world falling apart. 

Also how do you tell your kids these things without destroying them (they are 7 and 8). 

I am going to see a doctor next week to explore therapy and so is he but I guess what I am after is success stories... 

So yeah...  That is my full on news...

[BlueGhost]

Hi confused_girl,

 I’m going through the same situation. My husband came out to me as transgender and bi about 5 months ago. We have two children- 8 and 18 months old. 
I too have been searching high and low for relationship success stories, and for people in our age group, I haven’t been able to find one. I am devastated to think that we will no longer be together, especially for our beautiful children.

Each day seems to get harder as we continue our journey. I know I need to get support for myself (my husband has an excellent gender counsellor) but I don’t know where to start. I feel so incredibly alone.

I hope you are both doing well.

[smallwolf]

hello BlueGhost,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It takes a lot of courage to share your story. It's completely natural to feel overwhelmed and isolated in such a situation, and seeking support would not seem to be hard to find as it is. 😞

While you might not be able to use the same counselor as your husband, perhaps they might be able to get some information or pointers to where you might also be able to get help?

On feeling alone ... and firstly, I cannot imagine what you would be going through on a day by day basis, but if I were to guess there might also be a feeling of loss of what was, and/or fear of what will be?  I am really just guessing!

I genuinely hope that you and your family find the support and guidance you need as you navigate this process. If you ever want to talk or share more, please feel free to reach out.

And if you want to answer the above questions or just talk I'm here ...

[emmette]

I posted on an older thread on the same topic, but am posting here too in the hope this is where the conversation is. I hope that’s okay.

I am going through the same thing now also.

My husband has always been on the slim, more feminine, side. Since we’ve been married (it’s been 6 years now) he’s progressively become more comfortable in himself as a person, which has also come with him wearing increasingly feminine clothes (think very skinny jeans and fitted tops, women’s active wear) and growing his hair long. He is frequently mistaken for a woman when we go out.

Even before he said anything last week, I have  been worried about whether I still find him attractive. But I’ve always landed on the fact that I love his soul and mind so much it doesn’t matter that his “look” is not 100% what I would choose. I mean, we’re all going to get old and wrinkly, right?

That said, it’s now apparent that trying to live as a male is making him absolutely miserable, so we’ve agreed he needs to work out who his authentic self is (be that a very femme non-binary or female). He wants to stick with he/him pronouns for now. I helped him put on makeup this weekend and he looked so happy it broke my heart that he’s been denied it for so long. I want to do everything I can so he can be his true self. I’ve told him he can try on my dresses (although god knows how that will feel if I see it). He is my favourite person in the whole world. If there was a switch I could flick to make myself attracted to him as he takes things further I would. But I am barely coping with it now. 

I’m 33 and I want kids. We have a beautiful house, a dog, and great lives together. I’ve been with him my entire adult life. I’m already mourning the loss of the family unit I thought we would be, and am terrified of a world in which we’re not together. I know people say give it time, but I don’t know how long I can function in this liminal space.

[saycheese]

You need to have honest conversation about his sexuality. Maybe just agree to best mates for both your sakes. Changing the way one appears to be judged externally is going to provide him  a feeling of eurphoria for some time (escape) but eventually once he settles into the new identity he will likely be miserable again. It is strange on a MH site that promotes that changing one’s appearance is a solution to being miserable or any other MH condition. No spiritual guide, religion, or psychology literature I  ever read said such a thing but I’m no expert of course. 

[smallwolf]

@saycheese - I hope you don't mind, but I also just wanted to reply to the last bit of your post. I feel that every case is unique and for someone like me to assume that two cases would be the same is wrong. And if I were to say that it will be or "will not be" fine is wrong for the same reasons. We get a small glimpse into the the d other person's life in a post and in replying can only provide our (honest) response based on what we understand or see.

@emmette - I have to say that it sounds like a very confusing situation for you from where I stand in that it sounds like you are not (?) physically so attracted now and mourning what is lost, and at the same time, love his being and soul. And I don't know enough to suggest how you could have a family, or solutions to other problems that might arise. Lastly, part of me is wondering what sort of support you are getting while all thing is happening?

Listening ...

[emmette]

Thank you.

In terms of support, I’m fortunate to be in a good place. I have my usual therapist who I see for ongoing management of my mental health, and have told my partner that once he is booked in with a therapist for his gender querying, I would also like couples therapy. I also have a good support network of friends. I’m not sure if I should also get an individual therapist who specialises in these matters? There’s not much by way of advertised support for partners working out what they want to do for themselves, as opposed to support for partners to help their spouse transition (which is obviously important too, but still).

@smallwolf - You’re right. It’s an absolutely confusing time. I’ve become less and less attracted to him over the years as he’s become more femme, but because it’s been so gradual, it’s like I don’t even remember what being physically attracted to your partner is supposed to feel like. Everything else in our marriage is wonderful. So it’s this awful position of going, “Well, am I really going to give that up just because I recoil at how he looks sometimes?”. I know no one can answer the question of what I value and how much. But would appreciate help working out how to start trying to answer those questions.

[saycheese]

Smallwolf, I don’t really know what to reply as your post contradicts itself. Well on one hand it is wrong to give an option one way of the other, then it is ok when “replying to provide our (honest) response based on what we understand or see.”  That is what I did, emmettes last comment is revealing. There isn’t ready support for partners who want to decide to stay or leave, rather it is all geared at supporting the other gender confusion. Same on this board. It generally can only be support one way. So i await my comment for deletion in coming days. 

[saycheese]

Hi Emmette, “There’s not much by way of advertised support for partners working out what they want to do for themselves as opposed to..”. That is true and It is almost taboo publicly. Here most opinions supporting the leaving side will be deleted. 
You haven’t got kids yet so the pressure to stay on that basis is not there. I assume it is a challenge for anyone to stay attracted to their partner being how long we live. Could be 60 years! I haven’t been there long enough to know, but take time away from all distractions and meditate on it. We can be consumed by so many distractions and so much “thinking” our true awareness never arrives. If I took two days in a forest to contemplate getting married, I hope I would never have done it. But perhaps the clarity only came later. It moved so fast it was train i could not jump off. 

[smallwolf]

@saycheese,

I stand by what I said... that is, giving advice one way or the other can be unhelpful. And if I know someone that has gone through the process I can only comment based on what i know and that was based on conversations. 

I also acknowledge what you are saying about the position that it puts the other person in, and the possible lack of support in that area. (I also try to answer a question on written in a post and I might miss the mark) One thing I would never do on a forum like this would be the say that either person in the relationship is wrong or making the wrong decision. 

For the same reasons, I would not like your post(s) to be deleted. 

Finally and in a situation like this, if the person that is seeing their partner transition ... if they can ask questions, find answers, reflect etc. they might be able to find their way forward, and whether that is with or without their partner is theirs to decide. And hopefully be able to see (if they look back) they made the the best decision based on the information at hand.

[smallwolf]

@emmette,

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time right now. It sounds like your partner's gender transition has brought up a lot of complicated feelings and tough questions for you. That's completely understandable. Discovering your partner's identity is not quite what you thought can be really hard and confusing.

I'm glad to hear you have a good therapist and support system. That's so important. At the same time, this is your relationship too. Your feelings matter. It makes complete sense that your attraction to your partner would change as their appearance changes. Those are real, valid concerns.

My advice would be to give yourself a little grace as you figure out what you want and need. Maybe talk to your therapist about finding ways to process these emotions in a healthy way.

There will likely come a time when you will have to be really honest with your partner about where you're at. This impacts them too. There are no easy answers here. 

Hope this helps! Let me know if you want to talk more.