Really struggling with sexuality

[Whichway]

I haven’t been the nicest person…I was always homophobic as a young guy… I thought being gay was the worst thing in the world.  I didn’t know anything just what my older cousins taught me..

I was confident of my sexuality and attracted to woman from a young age and still am physically…

When I was 19 something told me out of the blue that I was gay! I don’t know why but it came from a bit of a mixture of not really wanting to be in a relationship with a woman … ever I thought?  Whoosh!! I’m gay!!

Despite never being sexually attracted to a man before. i couldn’t accept this… at all.
So I went into deep denial. I hated myself from that point onwards until now continually. I’ve never had a gay thought or fantasy, but I feel like I sleep with woman I’m a bad person or to prove to myself that I’m not gay. Ive tried everything other than to be gay - made friends with gay people and the queer community, opened myself up to absolutely every possible thing, self help books, changed my entire attitude to be more loving…

but I have consistent relationships that fail with woman so I can prove to myself I am a man. I try so hard not to be gay, I’ve never slipped up in 10 years of denial. But I can’t deny it.. when I chat the gay barrista my heart opens

I can’t keep breaking these girls hearts and my own I feel horrible. I keep saying these girls hoping that something might happen differently. I try so hard to make it work.

1. I’ve met this one recently and she’s so freaking amazing, she’s so beautiful, and patient and amazing. But it’s just not right, I don’t know how to tell her
   
   Ive spoken to my friends and family about it.. it’s not given me any relief… how can I come to terms with myself… how do I accept myself? 

 
Im so scared of being gay. I’m so scared right now I feel like a helpless child. 

[white knight]

Hi whichway, welcome

It must be really difficult to know your exact position with ones sexuality when you flip flop from one focus to another. But there is hope and it comes from your perceptions and positivity.

Missy Higgins the famous Aussie singer once said "I look upon my sexuality as fluid". That was when she had a same sex relationship, she went on to marry a guy and have children. When that kind of acceptance is achieved, the worry, the sex of another potential interest no longer matters.

There is also the possibility a bisexual lady could be found and a future there. Couples can be united with various sexual desires. I know of a trans guy that met a lady that was lesbian. After 3 dates he rang her to tell her that he was trans and apologised, she replied "thats great I'm lesbian". Turned out a good match. 

So having said that your social environment might need some rethinking to find where "birds of a feather" are, like minded people without the judgement. The process is the easy part, the search for the soul mate is the more difficult part. At 53yo (14 years ago)I told my best friend I had for 25 years (female) that after 3 long term relationships I will never stop searching for my soul mate. Turned out she was it and we married.

Convince yourself you are as worthy as the nice person to be loved and free to offer it. 

More importantly, live happily, enjoy getting to know people as friends and friends have parties and you meet more friends. This focus on a partner will haunt you if you are constantly seeking one, better to grow a friends based social scene.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/sexuality-and-gender-identity/lgbtiq-not-conventional-you-are-st...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/clear-the-road-i-m-on-my-way/td-p/102218 

I'm here daily if you would like to repost.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Whichway

I'm so glad you were able to find that your beliefs were not your own, they belonged to your cousins. I think there can be some massive challenges in life when we wake up to the fact that a number of our beliefs are not our own. Then it can kind of become a matter of 'If that's not what I believe in then what do I actually believe?'. To complicate things even further, if we're a collection of our beliefs to some degree, what happens when that collection starts to disintegrate? What happens when how we identify our self, others and life begins to disintegrate? 'Who am I? Who are others, really? What are they about? What is life really about?'. Without new beliefs, there can be that void-like feeling, with more questions than answers. We're neither here nor there in how we think or perceive things. As a kind of limbo, it can feel like a form of torture.

I think when establishing new beliefs it can come down to a number of factors. Just to name a few

• how does what I believe in feel? For example, 'I've believe I'm attracted to the barrista who opens my heart'. Does that belief feel true?
• does what we believe in cause any great harm? Personally, I believe myself to be a soulful gal who loves a soulful take on life. While people may make fun of me or while I may frustrate people at times with my views, my beliefs cause no harm
• what new facet of us do our new beliefs bring to life? On the flip side, what old facet or facets of us need to be put to rest (put out of our misery)? For example, while some of your new beliefs have laid a homophobic facet of you to rest, they've also brought a more open minded part of you to life

When the world is full of labels (ways of identifying our self, other people, things, experiences etc), can be hard to stop identifying with a lot of the labels at times, especially when long held beliefs are associated with them. May sound strange but consider 'energy'. Personally, I find this helps with unlabelling things. So, it's kind of like 'I am not this gender. They are not that gender. I am not straight or gay. I just feel this energy that runs through this intense connection that I feel. It's a whole hearted, exciting, daring, overwhelming and powerful energy'. Personally, I feel no need to explore a same sex relationship, although once I did feel that need very briefly when I was younger and that's my truth. Without labels, we can be free to simply sense how we feel while sensing what's true for us. I think, sometimes we can be in such a hurry to find the truth. Gradually finding it and feeling it, bit by bit, can be a part of the challenge.