So the reality of loneliness has hit me pretty suddenly and forcefully in the past few weeks. I have no close friends (as in people you can hang out with, go to the pub, etc), barely any txt msg friends that only sporadically msg, no relationship, my family is.. an absolute mess - haven’t spoken to my sibling or parent for 15yrs due to difficult relationship, don’t have anyone else. I’ve focused my efforts into my career but now getting into my later 30s I realise how meaningless that is without anyone to share life with.
I want to have a family and kids but don’t feel like that’s an option now.
Everyone just assumes I’m straight but I’m physically attracted to guys. I guess that’s the reason why I’ve avoided any serious long term relationships with women.
I think I always had the idea of ‘one day’ sorting out the mess that is my life but I don’t even know where to begin or how and it’s starting to feel ‘too late’.
I don’t want to be lonely. The thought of existing like this for year after year after year is unbearable.
I tried reaching out to a friend but they didn’t get what I was saying or maybe didn’t have the resources/perspective to really help - I don’t blame them at all.
All I can say is that I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to talk to.
It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out to that friend about something so personal, I'm really sorry that they didn't understand and didn't know what to say. It can feel really disappointing and isolating when others don't understand and when you feel like you have no one to talk to.
From what you've described, it sounds like the loneliness that you're experiencing is becoming increasingly difficult to cope with, but that it's something that you want to change. It seems like mentally and emotionally you're at a pretty low point, but is there anything that you enjoy (or previously enjoyed that you may want to get back into)? Any hobbies, sports, pastimes that you may be able to find a common interest with others, like a social sports club or a group you could join?
You mentioned that you feel like you have no close friends, but are there any acquaintances or anyone you used to get along with who you may want to re-connect with?
It can feel overwhelming, but I think establishing what you want and what you feel is missing and realising that it might be a bit of a slow (but worthwhile) process to get to where you want to be is an important step.
It can be really hard to make changes and to find connection with others, but I want to reassure you that it is definitely not too late. You don't need to make huge changes all at once, start small and with what feels manageable for you.
I have experienced a lot of shame around being gay and it has taken me a lot of time and effort to approach some form of self-acceptance, but I can vouch for the support provided at QLife (https://qlife.org.au/get-help) if you feel that this is something that you want to discuss and explore more.
Making connections with others and finding people you can relate to, who accept you and who you enjoy being around is such a fundamental part of being human. Feeling that you don't have that can be really painful.
Please be kind to yourself and don't hesitate to reach out on these forums as and when you feel up to it - we're here to listen and support you.