My husband just told me he is trans

[Confused_gurl]

So I have been married for over ten years and have two children with my husband. He told me last week that he feels like a female. I am hoping I am being supportive, asked about pronouns and explored what it means. He doesn't really care about pronouns right now so when I write he and husband it is on his wishes.

But I am so emotionally confused and just want someone to tell me this can work. I am not gay but I love him as a person and think I can still make this work.

At the moment we are talking more openly and it feels great.. but he and I work in an environment that I feel if he does transition we will be fired. 

How do I support him through this without our whole world falling apart. 

Also how do you tell your kids these things without destroying them (they are 7 and 8). 

I am going to see a doctor next week to explore therapy and so is he but I guess what I am after is success stories... 

So yeah...  That is my full on news...

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I know one couple in a similar situation to you, except their children were much older and so were they. In some regards I was watching on the sidelines. I knew "him" as a "him", and then "her". And I had spoke with them when our paths crossed. "He" would also write on FB a bit as well. 

So .... it depends on what / how / when success comes. I can honestly say that it was not easy for them initially and mainly due to those who did not "understand" and words can hurt. Sorry that I could not find a better word. At the same time, they both received lots of support as well. And still together.

Given this has happened in the last week I guess this might be a little bit of a shock to you. From your post I know you love your partner (as a person), and with my limited understanding, I think that is all that matters. I would say that values relating to kindness or honesty will not change, or love towards your children.  

With all of that said... I cannot say it will be smooth sailing. The only persons this should really matter you is you and your partner and nobody else (but that can be a bit of a dream). You can only do what feeds right for you. I hope it works out for you... whatever that is.

[Areasontofight]

Agree with saycheese.

I generally am ambivalent with with how people choose to live their lives (within the logical constraint of a rational mind/ most modern laws), however, when you have kids, your life is not just about you anymore; again, within reason.

I would ask the question - with complete honesty, is/would the inspiration for a decision to transition be for the good of the kids (because the person he has been his whole life he cannot face anymore and would not be as good a parent as a father as opposed to if he transitioned) or is this a decision in selfishness because it’s easier on him (than the potential impact on the kids)? 

It’s totally hypothetical for me to image myself in your shoes so take it with a grain of salt…that said, if it were to happen to me, I expect that would be it for me as I married a certain person - that’s the person I chose to have children with and raise them with…fundamentally changing that (and what sounds like it is sudden) seems selfish to me. 

Very complicated, though - only good advice I have is that this is a very personal situation that you will be the best judge for this. Go through the emotions and take all the time need to understand what is best for you, the kids and your partner (and try to never show negative emotion toward you partner in front of the kids - sometimes easier said than done! The kids will thank you in the long run for it, as will you toward yourself). 

All the best! 

[...Gekota]

This probably isn’t the type of response you’re looking for but as a trans person myself I feel obliged to help you. I’m 16 so whilst a cannot relate to your situation I do know about being trans (FTM) I think you sound like a wonderful person, doing what you must to support your partner and believing it can work. I cannot speak on your behalf but if you think it can work and are willing to accept your partner as the person you love then I believe that is something you can accomplish. But saying that, that doesn’t always happen. I think you really need to ask yourself “will I love this person as my partner even if they wished to be seen as my wife?” If not, that is something you need to talk about. I think you need to be open with your children, don’t ignore it and try to shield them from the truth. It may take them a while to understand but this isn’t something that will hurt them even if it seems like it. Being trans is hard I’m glad you are trying to support your partner as best as possible and I think you both should discuss such with your children as well and see if you can work through this together. I promise you your children will be so much happier with two loving parents even if one is trans then with only you because your partner can’t continue living a lie. I’m sorry if that sounds rather upsetting but for trans people like myself this is our reality. I hope this helped and I wish you all the best with everything. ❤️

[SadSoulGirl]

Just offering a perspective as a trans woman who's only alive today because she came out and transitioned. What you are doing now, asking about pronouns and exploring what it means, is great. Being trans is not one set thing. There are so many way to exist as a trans person. Maybe your partner wants to use different pronouns, or maybe not. Maybe they want to dress differently, or maybe not. They might want HRT, or gender affirming surgeries, or maybe they just want to socially transition. The way they express who they are is completely individual to them, and will likely evolve over time, just as anyone changes over time.

Now, obviously hearing this over ten years into a marriage with two children is going to be a lot to take in. It's not something most people think about. Well done on being open and talking about it. The biggest question that you'll need to answer is what you are looking for in the relationship and how that fits in with what they're looking for. That's a big thing. It will take a lot of time, and during that time you might find your partner becomes happier and more joyful as they express who they are.

I don't know them, but I also don't know a single trans person who hasn't been terrified of coming out. In fact, the most common experience that I keep on hearing and experienced myself, is trying to hide it, run away from it, ignore it, make it go away. If you can try and see that you are both confused and possibly scared, I hope you can work together to get through this time. I will say though, that the initial shock and adjustment period is the worst for most people I come out to. I usually give it 6-12 months and just let them process the news. Let them practice my name and pronouns, get used to seeing me in feminine clothes, and most people realise that I'm the same person they always knew, I'm just a happier and more loving version now. That not only improves my life and mental health, but the lives of everyone around me.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about the kids. Kids are the easy part in my experience. When I transitioned the conversation was essentially "Uncle John is now Auntie Jane, because that makes her happy" It's adults that tend to overthink things and make assumptions. Obviously being a parent makes it a little bit trickier, but just keep it simple. There's nothing really to shield them from, being trans isn't evil or contagious, and trying to do so will probably just make things more confusing. You can all talk and work out if they'll still use dad, or switch to something else. But don't rush it, there's time to work it all out when you've all processed this news and have clearer heads.

It can be confusing and difficult, but trying to learn LGBT+ terminology can help a lot. Once you understand what all the various words we use mean, it gets a lot easier to understand us as people and not as scary media boogeymen. 

I'm sorry I can't offer a success story, but with you both exploring therapy I think you have a great chance at making it work. Best wishes for this new journey to you both.

[Lillylane]

Hello, I’m glad you’ve reached out for support. I understand it’s not an easy situation to find yourself in. 

Talking to the GP and exploring therapy is a good step. 

My former husband disclosed about 4 years ago.

It’s understandable to feel shock, and all the emotions that come with it. This is new to you. Whereas your husband has most likely had this on his mind for some time. 

There is a great support network called OurPath. It’s a non judgemental space. It can help to talk to other people who’ve been in this situation. 

I’ve found their resources (especially the podcasts/interviews) very informative and the people very understanding and kind. 

There may be many difficult conversations ahead. Some couples take years to work out how they want to either be together or to separate. It took my ex and I about three years. We have children so there were many factors to consider. 

Wishing you every support going forward.

I’m just going to share, for the sake of openness, that my husband had several mental health challenges. Medical/surgical transition has not been a magic cure-all. But it was the path he chose to take.

[saycheese]

How are you going after a month after your post? seems BB may only allow comments that support your partner, there are stories from ppl who have been through it and they describe the difficulties for themselves.

[smallwolf]

@Confused_gurl 3,

Just wanted to check in to see how you are going now from your initial post?

@saycheese,

I see it might look like "BB may only allow comments that support your partner". I can also appreciate you might have a different perspective? Something like this will affect everyone differently, and it's important we create spaces that allow people to share their experiences openly and honestly. There are many complex realities around mental health. I hope that we can hold space for people's challenges while also cultivating hope, empathy and understanding.

[Confused_gurl]

I am honestly worse this week. It went well for the first three weeks as I don't think it sunk in. We went away and he got to dress up make up wig the whole hog. It was the first time I saw him as an actual female.... It hit me hard. I am really not sure now whether I can be attracted to him as a female. I am really scared that I won't be. 

I love him but am trying hard to be open. 

I start therapy today so I hope that helps as I really want this to work. 

It is a long road. 😭😭😭

[Batukawa]

My daughter is in a similar situation as you.

She told us 6 months ago that her husband was a closet transsexual who has decided to come out into the open. They have been married for 5 years and have not started a family. One year after his Dad passed away, he has decided to take the next few steps - Put some sperms away in storage, started hormone treatment, started losing weight, growing his hair, initiated his name change, wanted to be called by a new female name and to be referred to as a she.

Our daughter said she was initially shocked with his revelation but has come to accept it. She appears to be  quite happy and is prepared to support him on his journey.

As parents, we felt that our daughter has been misled into marrying him. She wasn't given a choice and perhaps felt she is obligated to go through the transformation with him. We are not sure what will happen in the next few years. But we will be supportive should she choose to leave him/her one day.