Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

SH-2600 · ‎18-07-2020

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

Chris54 · ‎01-08-2020

Throuple?

SH-2600 · ‎01-08-2020

Hi Tim,

My weekend is quiet and relaxing, thank goodness. How is yours? Being told to cheer up is an infuriating response to depression, or even sadness. It shows a lack of understanding or respect for the emotions you are feeling.

My husband seems to be doing a little better on the depression front as he has been in to work a couple of days this week instead of working from home. It seems to have made a bit of a difference for him. He also withdraws and disengages when he is not feeling ok, so apart from a discussion a couple of months ago when he told me he was unhappy and lonely in our marriage, I haven’t been able to get much from him. Although I haven’t been particularly available either. I am hoping the counselling creates a positive space for us to talk.

That Rumi quote is another good one. If only we could not worry about what others think. It is certainly something to aspire to.

Keep taking care of yourself, Tim. I am grateful that you come to this thread to talk. Thank you.

SH

Welcome to the discussion Chris54,

I think there is so much diversity in relationships out there, which is such a great thing. For me, even if a throuple was an option, I don’t think it would be something I would pursue. Thanks for throwing the idea out there, though.

SH

Timshel · ‎03-08-2020

Hi SH,

I am just about to enter the land of nod but wanted to check in with you first and make sure you are okay. I know you have a counselling session with your husband this week and I wanted to wish you all the best and let you know I’ll be thinking of you. My husband and I have our second counselling session this week too. We can compare notes!!! This session is a 2hr session which means that it will probably go for 4 hours given that our last session was a 1hr session that lasted 2 hours!!!! She’s a nice lady but somewhat disorganised. She was also recovering from a cold and was deaf in one ear which meant communication didn’t exactly flow easily. Plus I made the mistake of saying ‘yes’ to a coffee at the beginning of the session. BIG MISTAKE! It only took about 20 minutes for my bladder to point out the errors of my ways to me. Concentration became a little difficult for me from that point on. All in all it was a bit of a comical affair. What can I say, you live and learn. When you know better, you do better!!!!

Listen, I know you must be feeling low at the moment following your last communication with your friend. I know you said that you really needed to hear from her once and for all that she didn’t reciprocate your feelings, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t still hurt to hear those words. I’m sure it also hurt her to say them. If I could magically take that pain away from you I would, but only time can do that. But I can be here to listen and lean on (albeit it virtually) if you need to unload. So unload all you like. It must be especially hard trying to hide all those feelings from your family. I really get that.

I have read through your thread again tonight and I can see how writing down your thoughts and feelings over the last couple of weeks and answering certain questions seems to be bringing a bit more clarity to your thinking about certain issues. There are a few things which stand out for me in particular and, if it’s okay with you, I would like to discuss them with you at some stage, at least to the extent that you want to share.

I have to go now but I’ll get back to you soon.

Be kind to you and remember you are never alone.

P.S. I think my husband is also wondering what the hell all my recent typing is about......probably thinks I’m writing a bestseller..

SH-2600 · ‎03-08-2020

Hey Timshel,

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I was going to pop over to your thread and check in on you, but you beat me to it. Thank you for checking in with me. It really means a lot, and I am so glad you are here. You are sharp with your insight and thoughts and you show so much warmth and humour. I so value that. I hope you feel you can lean on me too, as I would really like to be here for you.

I welcome any comments or questions, as the process of thinking and writing really helps me to clarify and pin down my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes struggle to work out if my feelings are true. I often can’t work out if some emotions are just a pattern I have developed as a coping mechanism. I don’t know if this makes sense, but my ptsd brain is a bit unreliable sometimes. There is a literary tool that authors sometimes use, the unreliable narrator - sometimes I wonder if I am that in my own life!

I feel devastated that my friend does not want a relationship with me. But I need to get past that. You are right about it being hard for her too! I have thrown this extra degree of difficulty in to our friendship. She rang yesterday because she was having a really rough couple of days. We talked, but then afterwards I slipped back into wishing and wanting! Honestly, it is hard to shut those thoughts down.

My husband and I had our counselling session this morning. On your advice, I made sure I said no to the hot beverage!! I hope your second session goes well, and I would like it if you felt you wanted to talk about it. I am still thinking about how it all went. Our discussion was constructive and the counsellor seems quite practical, which I like. She asked what the end goal was for us and my husband made it clear he wants to stay married. That surprised me a bit. The conversation moved in a different direction before she asked me, which I am grateful for. After thinking about it all for a while now, I am feeling quite a bit of guilt and also feeling a bit backed into a corner. I feel guilt about keeping big secrets, about being unfaithful (in my heart at least), about being unable to commit, and about potentially turning what could be a good relationship again, on its end. I really am scared to take any big steps. But honestly, if my friend wanted to be with me, then we would be having a very different discussion. We didn’t discuss my sexuality. I will need to before our next session in 2 weeks.

Don’t forget, you are not alone either.

SH

smallwolf · ‎03-08-2020

I hope you do not mind me commenting on your session with the counsellor... the guilt you feel, or not being able to commit may be a result of things that have happened in the past. You have previously indicated (I think) that you look for a deep emotional connection. So if you have drifted from your partner (husband) there are multitude of reasons to explain this. For example, if I pull away from people that care about me, it can have a detrimental effect on those relations. Patterns of behaviour might make us think in a particular way about the other person.

I sense you are still at the cross-roads, unsure of what direction to take... whichever road you take will have turn-offs to take you in another direction. So if you are scared of taking big steps, the perhaps going slowly is the better approach - you will have a chance to see the turn-off and make a decision later.

You will have your chance to speak. What you say will be up to you.

I was talking about the view from the top of the mountain with my psychologist - I described it as a valley with a single hut, etc. Of course we then started to see how that played out in the real world.

What would your view from the top of the mountain look like?

Timshel · ‎04-08-2020

Hey there,

Glad to hear you like your counsellor, wanna swap? No, I’m kidding. I’m sure we’ll get into the swing of things with our counsellor this week. Two good ears and no hot beverages, the foundation to any good counselling session.......Oh I forgot to mention her new chihuahua puppy who also joined us for the session, never mind!

I’m sure you are still digesting everything from today. When your husband made it clear that he still wanted to remain married, you said you were surprised. You also said you felt backed into a corner. Were you perhaps hoping on some level that he would say he wanted to split thus taking the pressure off you to make a decision? I can understand why, in some ways at least, that might have provided you with some sense of relief. There would still have been a sense of loss and sadness I’m sure, you obviously still care for this man deeply, but perhaps not the same feeling of devastation you describe at having to accept that there is no hope for a future romantic relationship with your friend. Now the ball has been put firmly back in your court so to speak. You need to take your time with this one I think. Maybe it is good that you don’t feel ready to take any big steps just yet. Just breathe for a while. Let things sit for a bit. I understand the guilt you feel at keeping such a big secret from your husband but try not to let yourself be too consumed by it for the moment. You have a couple of weeks before your next counselling session. Maybe I can talk some things through with you during that time, help you achieve a bit more clarity. Have you and your husband talked since the session? Do you think you might want to spend some time with him over the next couple of weeks just to see if you can start rebuilding your friendship? Maybe just keep things simple, go for a few walks together, go out for a few coffees, sit with each other in the evenings and talk about your day. Nothing too heavy.

Then, when your head is a bit clearer, you could probably start thinking about bringing up the subject of your confusion over your sexuality. There is probably no need to mention your feelings for your friend just yet. In fact, do you think she would want you to talk about your feelings for her at all with your husband? Have you asked her? She may be afraid that your husband would feel uncomfortable with you being in contact with her? Does she know about the counselling? Does she support the idea?

We can chat more tomorrow. Be good to you.

SH-2600 · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Tim

I don’t mind you commenting at all...in fact I appreciate it. How are you? I hope you are doing well.

I have been thinking a lot about my patterns of behaviour with my husband, both around my withdrawal from him but also around my reluctance/reticence to shift from my withdrawal. Sometimes the patterns are coping mechanisms, but sometimes they are just habits and perhaps even stubbornness?? When thinking about what I need to do to shift out of my current pattern I feel an almost childish unwillingness to change. I think part of it comes from being in a relationship since we were practically kids, and my change through so many iterations of myself. Sometimes I wonder if i struggle to separate an early version of me (which I don’t want to go back to) from my relationship with him. I am kind of thinking out loud here but I think there is some level of truth. I think that for us to move forward, if that is what we do, somehow I need to change the picture of him as embedded in my past and the past me.

I am definitely at a cross roads, I feel that very keenly. I feel like my heart has been broken, and I either have to leave it at that, and go back to my old life (which means committing to my husband and tramping down any attraction I feel toward other women), or breaking the hearts of everyone around me to try for a new life which may or may not exist. Well either way move past the broken heart bit. Both you and Timshel have suggested small steps and you are right. If I only see big steps, I am over run with inertia.

You made me think a bit about my mountain view. I see other mountains. I don’t know what that tells you about my psyche or the emotional place I am in right now! My figurative mountain view is actually a bit influenced by an actual view. There is a place very near to me where I walk most days. It’s called a mountain, but really it is just a big hill. Anyway, there is a walking track around it, which I usually take, but there are also tracks that I often take up to the top. My favourite view up there is of the mountain range to the West especially in the late afternoon. Often as the sun sets, the mountains look like they have been painted. So even though I see other mountains from my figurative mountain, I know I have to make my way through them, but I don’t feel I have to climb all of them. they mostly give me a sense of calm. Does the view from your mountain, give you a sense of peace or is it a different experience?

SH

SH-2600 · ‎04-08-2020

Hey Timshel

Your counsellor sounds very much like one my son saw for a couple of sessions. She was a bit interesting! It sounds like you and your husband have headed off on the right track anyway, fingers crossed it all comes together this week! I am interested in hearing how it goes.

The ball is now firmly in my court, for sure. You are quite right about me wanting to not have to make the decision. I was also surprised at his response, because I thought maybe he didn’t like me that much anymore. It was like he didn’t want to be in the same room as me. The session left me feeling quite a bit of pressure to make a decision, but I do need to wait because I am not ready.

It sounds ridiculous but I feel backed into a corner partly because our relationship is very reasonable. He is a good man, our discussions and disagreements are respectful, we get annoyed with each other but there isn’t a lot of heat in our disagreements. If there is heat, we walk away and then come back to it later. Who in their right mind would leave all of that security? I got the feeling that even the counsellor felt there wasn’t much work to be done. Sometimes I feel quite foolish about the way things have gone. That I fell for my friend, that it is unrequited, and that I am thinking of leaving a perfectly good marriage. I loathe drama and suddenly I am covered in it, managing to draw two perfectly good people in to it as well.

The “homework” we have been given by the counsellor is to spend 10-15 minutes a day with each other. We had a coffee yesterday and walked the dog, but he didn’t want to discuss the session. He has already changed a number of the ways he was withdrawing himself and is making himself more available. It is a little disconcerting to be honest. After months of mostly silence and distance, he is there in the room! I am trying though. And pushing through my instinct to stay withdrawn, as the pattern had become quite a comfortable one.

I think my friend is very nervous about me mentioning my sexuality, let alone my feelings for her. I think in her ideal world, I would turn my focus back on to my husband and forget any of this ever happened! She is supportive but she is afraid. She knows we are having counselling and she is quite happy about it. I completely understand her point of view.

I have had a very quiet day today, because I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. I work part time, luckily, so didn’t have to pick myself to go to work today. Tomorrow though...

SH

smallwolf · ‎04-08-2020

I am writing about your homework initially. Please note that we I refer to "us" read "me" (Tim).

I obviously don't know whatever has happened since you started writing here. Without a counsellor (psychologist in my case) we move and act as we always have - in my case, being distant, quiet, worried about the future, lamenting the past etc. Bring in an expert who provides us with ideas on how to improve things and we (may) start to do these to see what happens, if only to feel a little better about ourselves. And when we next see the professional and they ask us how it went we can give an honest answer. (Vs I did not both trying). And it can be hard for both persons - sort of like restarting a relationship.

The top of my mountain... when there is a problem I am typically the goto person to find a solution in different environments. I work in IT. Sometime it is when a customer is irate. I did not have any self-care mechanisms. Little thanks for that which I did. So the top of the mountain is the end goal, when I have made it. So I look over the top in the valley of fields and grass. And as I said a single house. I am all alone. Quiet. At peace with nobody the pestering me. (People would send an email or message and a minute later ask me why I had not replied.) I don't really mean it (?) but I have said to my psychologist that I wish I were dumb, where nobody would ask me to solve their problems. And on the flipside, I will criticize myself as being stupid. How that view from the mountain looks in real-life .... working on that part, sort of complex.

Tell me a little about your "reluctance/reticence to shift from my withdrawal"?

If I were to apply that to myself... it is the like the comfy slippers vs jumping into the unknown. You understand the current situation and perhaps safe there. And if I dare to make a change, the outcome is unknown and uncertain. And I like certainty.

SH-2600 · ‎05-08-2020

Hi Tim,

I agree that the purpose of counselling is to shift us out of old patterns. I do feel like we are restarting the relationship, and that is maybe where my reticence is coming from, as I don’t know whether that is where I am at personally. There is definitely an element of the comfy slippers syndrome and I am similar to you in that I like certainty. Unfortunately for us, relationships are very uncertain!

I am glad there is some peace at the top of your mountain. I hope you regularly get to the top of it. Being in IT at the moment would be hectic especially if there is a customer service element to your job! So many people relying on it now!

I absolutely relate to having self-efficacy and confidence in a range of areas, including work, but then criticising yourself for being stupid. Honestly it is a paradox that I struggle to understand, because I genuinely feel quite sure of my skills and abilities, as you appear to as well. When my mental health slips though, the first sign is the harsh and awful words that come into my thoughts and the way I think and feel about myself. Sometimes i get so used to hearing it, acclimatised to it, I don’t even notice when it starts up! It takes a lot of work and maintenance to keep it at bay. It sounds like your experience is similar. I hope you are able to manage it and have some self care practices in place.

Thanks for making me think deeply again!

SH