Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Esti67]

My pleasure SH, happy to share but i do acknowledge that leaving your stable life is a huge decision and you will see on other threads that some haven't been able to do it, and thats completely valid and understandable. What you are contemplating is huge. I didn't anticipate the fallout and its still falling out to be honest 😊 but it feels right and i just hoped that if my closest people loved me then we would all eventually get there. We are but it hasnt been easy. Maybe exploring your other side with some other newbies might be ok, i contemplated the dating scene when i thought it wasn't possible with the woman i had been in love with for over 15 years. Luckily we did get together and now we are living together. Sorry that your friend isnt going to work out romantically for you but i think to you are right, you need to sort out that stuff before leaping into anything . Good luck with everything, and yes, the softness if a woman is utterly delicious.

[smallwolf]

not sure how you will interpret this and is certainly easier to write than do...

I am a fan of Lord of the Rings and used the analogy that I was stuck between the lone lands and the land where the Trolls are and the Elves. To get into the other have to cross a bridge. In my mind the bridge was/is broken.

I was speaking to someone about and they said to just step out. Perhaps the bridge will appear then. (Bit like in that Indy Jones film for the Holy Grail.)

Sometimes we have to step into to uncertainty. Until we do we might get stuck in the place we don't like but are used to. There is a web site where my psych get some information from. They have a page for uncertainty here....

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/What-Me-Worry/What-Me-Worry---09---Accepting-Uncertainty.pdf

I am not at the top of the mountain... that is my end goal. I see my life similar to Journey to the West which is the story on monkey king - never ending and ups and downs.

How are your recent days?

I have try to stop myself from making negative comments to myself. My latest homework. When you have been doing it for 30+ years not easy to stop.

What is it about your younger self you are struggling with?

Again, I had to write a letter to myself. I might cover that next time.

Tim

[SH-2600]

Hey there Esti67

Thank you again. Other people’s stories really do help make me feel less alone in my decision and your post makes me feel validated no matter which way I go. I am so happy that your situation is working out, even if it is still in progress. I still have no idea what I will do or how my story will go, but I am feeling like I am on some kind of path to figuring it all out. I am feeling quite sure about my attraction to women, I just don’t quite know what I will do with it or whether it is enough to take the plunge. The way you describe the softness of a woman makes me wonder if I could actually go the rest of my life without that experience!

If only it was all a bit easier.

Take care and good luck with rest of your journey towards your best life.

SH

[Timshel]

Hi SH,

Hell! The way Esti67 describes the softness of another woman as being ‘delicious’, I’m not sure anyone of any gender identity or sexual persuasion should consider living the rest of their lives without THAT experience lol!! I think I may have just have shifted a few more notches along the spectrum in that direction myself! Sexuality sure can be fluid! Which reminds me of a British TV comedy I once saw where the mother (who was a bit vague when it came to remembering the correct lingo to use when talking about sexual and gender identity) referred to her daughter as being both gender and sexually ‘liquid’! Close enough I guess...

I mentioned previously that I had seen your thinking gradually become clearer about certain things as you answered questions about your situation from some contributors and reflected on the comments of others. (If you re-read your thread you might see what I mean). It seems to me that your thinking around the question of your sexuality has ‘evolved’. In the beginning, you described yourself as being asexual, in a hetero marriage, but in love with your female friend. You spoke openly about the emotional intimacy you and your friend shared and also about the emotional and physical intimacy you had shared with your husband throughout your marriage up until the last 3 years or so. But, when it came to the area of sexual or romantic intimacy, you spoke less. I think you only mentioned it a couple of times when it came to your husband (saying that you and he had ‘managed’ okay within the marriage and, in a later post, referring to the fact that you knew it was an area of your relationship that he probably missed). You also said that, whilst there had been certain women in your life that you strongly admired and respected (some of whom you had even become ‘flustered’ around), your friend is the first woman you genuinely remember feeling a romantic connection to. You said it was like she had ‘flicked a switch in you’. (By the way, I am obviously paraphrasing here or even just giving you my interpretation). Even then, I think it was only in a later post that you actually mentioned the fact that you were attracted to her SEXUALLY as well as emotionally. At the same time you seem to be realising/accepting/acknowledging that this same sex attraction you are experiencing for your friend could possibly also be something you feel for women in general. In fact, your last post suggests you are becoming more sure if that??

Hang on I’ll be back

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim,

I have been thinking a lot about your last post.The idea of stepping into the unknown and having a bridge appear is interesting (and a little terrifying). I don’t deal very well with uncertainty, I will put that out there right now! I like to feel that I have some level of control over an outcome, or can at least see it or imagine it. The only time I have ever really stepped right out there into the complete unknown was when I decided that I actually might want children. Terrifying!!

I think stepping into uncertainty requires faith or at the very least some level of belief in self, or the universe or something! It reminds me so much of my beautiful friend who passed away in January. She had a deep faith in God, although she had long ago turned away from religion. I am an atheist, and quite faithless in that regard! She had similar childhood trauma to me and we often discussed how our responses were so different. Her faith was cemented in those moments and mine was lost. Although, to be honest, I don’t think I had much too begin with as I have memories of being booted out of Sunday school for asking too many questions. There are so many examples in her life when she just stepped out and waited for the bridge to appear. She was extraordinary like that. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it, and I am not saying that stepping into the abyss requires faith in a higher being, but it does require some level of belief that things can/will work out. I am still a work in progress on that one. I could imagine a life together with my friend (although I have to unimagine that), and I already know my life with my husband, but I am really struggling to imagine the other life where I leave my husband and go into the complete unknown.

You also ask what it is about my younger self that I am struggling with. I actually have a lot more compassion for my younger self now. I understand more and I no longer blame myself for coming to the attention of men who saw me as fair game. I do still have to actively push back the thoughts that damage my self worth but I am as ok as I can ever be. Part of it is accepting that my mountain is not as high as it perhaps might have been, but it still has a bloody good view and I can still feel good standing on top of it. Having said that, there are times when I find myself toppling over the edge and clinging on somewhere down its side. But we all trip and fall sometimes, don’t we?

I hope you make it to the top of yours, Tim.

SH

[Timshel]

Somewhere...

I’m a fighter made of steel and stone

and nobody dares but love me

nobody dares but love me

or leave me alone

From the song Somehwere by Missy Higgins. Do you know it? You should listen to it because you are that fighter SH. What you have gone through, or rather what you have come through....I really don’t have any words, I really don’t.

No one should have to go through that, ever. I hate that you did and I am so, so sorry that you did. You are absolutely astounding. You said in one post that your friend once said that you inspired her to want to be a better person or something along those lines. I know why.

I came on here tonight to finish my last post to you but when I read your reply to Tim, it just stopped me in my tracks. I will finish that post, but not now. SH, I am not the biggest hugger in the world but if I could I would hug you so tight right now. I hope you truly believe now that nothing that happened was ever your fault. You are and have always been worthy of respect. You are and have always been worthy full stop.

And you Tim, by the way. What a wonderful ability you have for abstract thinking. That incredible ability to imagine different realities from the one you are in. I love the way you just lay your thoughts out on the page for others to pick up and contemplate..

SH, I hear what you are saying about your fear of uncertainty. I can relate to that now. I used to be a different sort of person though, before my mental illness. I guess I was more prepared to jump without a safety net, take risks (calculated one’s, not reckless ones) and ultimately trust in my own abilities to make things work or work things out. Don’t get me wrong, I felt fear, terror even at times, but I could push through that. I used the power of negative thinking!! I would always think of the worst possible scenario, put myself in the virtual position of having to deal with that and imagine myself navigating the situation successfully. Once I realised that, no matter what, I would be okay, I jumped.

I imagine pilots, surgeons, people whose jobs entail being responsible for the lives of others on a regular basis, would have to undertake a similar sort of training on a continuous basis. Simulate all the possible worst case scenarios, imagine themselves in the most stressful of circumstances, yet somehow manage to keep calm, take control of the situation and work towards finding a solution and achieving a positive outcome.

You are in my thoughts SH.

[SH-2600]

First of all, I want to acknowledge you as well Tim. Timshel is absolutely right. There is a gentleness in the way you lay your thoughts on the page. They are like a quiet invitation that I can’t help but take up. You have a knack for picking up on the things I say that I would otherwise just leave behind, things that actually do bear thinking about and broaden my understanding of my situation. I know you are working through a lot yourself, so the generosity with which you give yourself is very much appreciated. I am glad you chose to be here on this thread.

And Timshel. Your words have stayed with me all day. I have listened to the song several times. I actually didn’t know that song at all, but I now really love it. You do know that it equally applies to you and your fight, right? Funnily enough I am not much of a hugger either, but I definitely accept and return yours. I hope you can feel the squeeze! I love the way your heart and warmth come through in your writing. As does your beautiful intellect and your gorgeous sense of humour. I find myself wanting to know you better and spend time on your path with you.

Honestly, I am lucky, my story could easily have been a lot worse than it was. Looking back I now understand that my mother did some manoeuvring to remove their access to me. There are so many other stories from people who are stronger and braver than me out there that bring me completely undone. I am really lucky that there have been plenty of other people along my way who took good care of me or helped to give me different experiences and perspectives.

No one should have to go through any of the things we go through, me, you, Tim or anyone else on this site for that matter. But you know what? While our mental health struggles absolutely cause grief and pain, they give us strength, and more importantly, they give us compassion. I feel that here.

SH

[smallwolf]

Hey!

Sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds as though you were quite close to this person.

On you being an atheist... Belief, spirituality and religion are three different things. There are people that do not go to church who are better, accepting and more loving than some who go to church.

So your younger self was not allowed to ask questions. There is a saying along the lines of ask a question, fool for a day, ask no questions and fool for a lifetime. Curiosity, wanting to learn, even if critical thinking should count for something.

I wonder if that had a effect in other areas?

I might have said this before, for me not showing or talking about my emotion became an every growing problem. You were told not to, or teased or ... or ... or ... and so I "conformed". You are made to feel shame.

One of the issues I have with the mountain analogy is that for me, a mountain as a fixed height. Where you refer to tripping, that is going into the valley to find an alternative path towards the top. That valley is moving into a feeling "normal" to "meh" or "awful". With the fixed height, there is a definite end point. Yet when it comes to mental health I don't see that end point.

In your own way you are brave also. Rather than running away from relationship issues, you are reflecting on this, thinking, writing here, exposing yourself (figuratively speaking.) Each day is a step forward on that journey.

[SH-2600]

Hey Tim,

I think sometimes we grow up in places that don’t fit us completely. As we grow and get to move on, we have a bit more flexibility to find the people and places that do. It sounds like your place didn’t fit you so well either. I think the place I grew up was very much of its time and place. There were some fantastic things about it, and in some ways it was free and idyllic, in other ways...not so much! I do still have a strong connection to it and even a love for it, and maybe a kind of nostalgia as well. I kind of think about it like a faded, yellowing Polaroid photograph. I agree that curiosity should be rewarded but sometimes it is a threat. Some humans do better when everyone around them is just like them. So they expect others to conform. It sounds like you have very much been on the wrong end of that.

For me, mental illness meant I had to reframe the mountain so that I could reach the top with the tools and equipment I had. There was value for me in ‘unfixing’ the height. It meant I could still get there, there was an end point, a reachable one. Shifting the goal really helped me to find a way to some peace, and to feel like I was successful.

thanks for all of your kind words. We are all brave Tim. Any of us who manage mental health issues and take the plunge to be vulnerable, here on the forums or in any other way in our lives. We keep moving forward!

SH

[Timshel]

How are you going SH?

I am glad you liked the song and yes, I do know that it equally applies to me and so many others too. I have been a fan of Missy Higgins for the best part of 20 years now. She has always seemed to be someone for whom being worth knowing is more important than being well known. I love how uncompromising she is as an artist, never conforming to industry ideas on who she should be or how she should present herself. She was told to ‘loose the Aussie accent’ when she sang in order to be more ‘marketable’ so she accentuated it. She was told to be ‘sexier, more pop princess like’ when she first started out so she went out and cut her hair really short and dressed down more. But, whilst you may think that this show of character points to someone who is extremely confident and sure of themselves, the opposite is, in fact, true. She has spoken quite openly about her vulnerabilities, her struggles in life. From her ongoing battle with depression to her confusion over her sexual identity (she’s ‘liquid’ I believe, though happily married to a man now). So I guess you could say she’s as much a human paradox as the rest of us. A work-in-progress as you would say SH! I like that! I have found solace in her music many times most notably after the birth of my son when I was suffering from severe postnatal depression. I must have listened to her song Nightminds at least 10 times a day. On first hearing it, I instantly knew that only a person who has themselves been in a dark place could have written such lyrics. Apparently she wrote that song as a kind of ‘love letter’ to a friend of hers who was experiencing a severe depressive episode. Whilst her melodies are beautiful and unique, it is her lyrics that I most connect with. Vivid imagery, raw emotion, passion and compassion. Language and music, perhaps mankind’s greatest contributions to the world! In times of turmoil (or not) words and music feed my soul and quieten my mind. As does the natural world and, on occasion, even a glass or 2 of Merlot does the trick...I’m kidding...Riesling can be just as effective!!

SH, I would be honoured to have you spend time on my path with me. You really are an incredible human being! Your story is so hard yet you have somehow managed to remain so tender and kind. Not to mention being a real Badass! I did not know it was possible to get kicked out of Sunday School! I, too, was an incessant question asker when it came to matters of Faith. That’s another conversation.