Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Timshel]

SH, I also wanted to tell you how much I respect your determination to find a way through your current dilemma without causing too much pain to anyone. You really care about ALL the people in your life, that is abundantly obvious.

Hard and painful as it may be, I think distancing yourself from the friend you are in love with is the right decision to make at this time. No matter what your friend says she feels or doesn’t feel for you, she is obviously committed to maintaining the status quo, at least for now. This really gives you no choice but to move on just as you would from any ‘broken’ relationship. Maybe one day you can be close again but in a redefined way. You need to grieve and heal first. Grieve for what might have been and heal your pain. This will take time and you will undoubtedly hurt for quite a while yet. But you will get through this, you will survive. Promise!

Also, I know that pursuing and ultimately persevering with counselling for you and your husband will pay dividends in the end, for both of you. (I have just started some long overdue relationship counselling with my husband and, although it can be quite painful, confronting and downright uncomfortable at times, it is a cathartic experience overall. It is good to have an allocated time and space to really listen to each other, hear the other person’s perspective and hopefully find a more constructive way to move forward).

You said that you and your husband have managed to maintain a solid friendship base throughout the years in spite of everything. But it is not surprising that now even your friendship is under stress. You have fallen in love with someone else and are requestioning your sexuality, even if your husband doesn’t know it. These are big issues to deal with alone and will have undoubtedly caused you a lot of stress which your husband is bound to have picked up on. You may have even unknowingly been pulling further away from him emotionally as your feelings for your friend grew. I think that would leave anyone in his situation feeling lonely, confused and even depressed.

My only advice for both of you going into counselling is to be 100% honest. You have to be in order to get anything positive from it. No matter what decisions you ultimately make about the future of your marriage, it seems to me that your friendship is worth fighting for as is your ability to successfully co-parent your children into the future. I am a mother too so I really get the importance of this.

[smallwolf]

Will try a little more on my assignment tonight.

Aside from the little we find out about each other through posts in the forum, our experiences and how we react to situations may have an effect on how we see ourselves for better or worse. In my story there were little thing that by themselves are probably nothing. And begin to feel like an outsider. And then conform to be accepted. I described it to my psychologist as a shield that gets dented and repaired. However the shield is not as strong as it was before. Repeated hits and repairs over time. Until one time when the hit penetrates the shield. I felt I was never good enough. For me that was a little over 2 years ago. Since then I have been deconstructing things to make myself feel worthy.

Now I am not suggesting it will take you that long to discover yourself or who you are. Perhaps the one little bit of advice (I was told) is that sometimes you get to the top of the mountain you have to go through a valley to find an easier path.

It may be messy and confusing, sometimes painful. Sometimes you also have to put you first. I think you will find the answers you are looking for. What that looks like I cannot say.

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim, Timshel, and Lillipilli,

I am unable to reply to all of you in one post, so will do two. Having all of your thoughts, suggestions and kindness are so valuable right now. It helps me to think and to just manage everything swirling in my head!

Timshel, thank you for your care. I agree with you about the fluidity of sexuality. That is definitely my experience. All I can say about my own sexuality right now is that, in my marriage, I am closer to asexual than not (and have been for most, if not all, of the time we have been together). If I was no longer in my marriage, I would not seek to enter a relationship with another man. I can’t imagine myself in a heterosexual relationship beyond the one I am currently in. If I was not in my marriage, I would most likely seek a relationship with a woman. This is everything I know right now.

Your own experience of your sexuality in many ways reflects my experience. I am really very grateful that you have shared your experiences and thoughts, thank you. It really helps me feel like I am ok.

You are so right when you say I have no choice but to move on from my friend. That is a hard realisation, and because she is also my closest friend, I feel like the loss is double. I have already lost one beautiful and intimate friendship this year (today is the 6 month anniversary of her death), and right now I feel like I can’t manage to lose another person from my support network. I know I have to come to terms with that. My friend was feeling extremely anxious that I was going to walk away from our friendship. I have said I wouldn’t, but it does need to change, at least in the short term. I also need to work out what my relationship with my husband will look like going forward. I will manage and survive as you say, but some days are hard.

My marriage was built on emotional intimacy and a close friendship, and we have had counselling previously to maintain this as we both saw that as the strength of our relationship and something we prioritised. I think this would continue to be a priority for both of us regardless of whether we remain married or not, and certainly for the well-being of our kids. I know he has picked up on what I am feeling and I am responding to his withdrawal as well. We have become distant with each other. I am really afraid of telling him that I am questioning my sexuality, but I know I will need to. I am not sure if i can tell him that I love my friend, well not yet anyway.

SH

[SH-2600]

Lillipilli, I am thankful that you have entered the discussion. Everything is helpful right now and your reply has made me think a little deeper about my path and where it is leading me. You use the words “crave deep connectionl and that is so apt, it is exactly what I feel. Funnily enough I added Untamed to my “to read” list a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t read it yet, but will definitely track down a copy to read soon. Especially now you have recommended it.

Tim, I hope you are making some good headway with your assignment and everything is going well for you. I like your shield analogy. Self worth is such a powerful thing. When you have it, you are resilient and strong. When it is gone, it takes so much with it. That is something I struggle with. Sometimes there are people in our lives, often in our young lives, that take our self worth from us before we have learned how to protect it. That was the case for me, and I think it is actually really hard to put it back the way it should be. I am still working with that. My heart goes out to you Tim as I learn more about you through your posts. I also think, though, that we never stop discovering ourselves, we are certainly never finished and those mountains and valleys will always be there requiring us to make choices about our paths. I value the kindness and support in your posts. It is messy and confusing but this opportunity to talk and think helps.

thank you

SH

[Timshel]

SH,

I can tell how overwhelmed you are feeling from the ‘tone’ of your posts and I really feel for you. I know that feeling so well, it has become a regular companion of mine over the years. Sometimes you just feel you want to run away and leave all your problems behind, start your life anew somewhere else. And for some people that may be possible, people who either have no responsibilities or who feel no responsibility. But that is not you, SH, is it? It’s not me either for that matter. You, like me seem to be a particularly sensitive and empathetic person, someone who feels things very deeply. Both your own pain and the pain of others. Maybe like me you too can hide that pain well, put on a good show, but it’s still there, lingering just below the surface, usually accompanied by a strong sense of responsibility to make things right.

But,in all honesty, would you change that about yourself if you could. Would you rather be less sensitive, less empathetic, feel less pain and hurt, worry less, thus leading a more stress free life? I have asked myself the same question many times, especially when I look at others in my life. And the answer is a definite NO. I would still prefer to be me, sensitivity, pain, worry, stress and all. I would still prefer to feel the weight of responsibility, the desire to ‘fix’ things, make things better. I would still prefer to know what it is like to feel a sense of regret or guilt about things so that I could move forward in a more constructive way. I like the saying ‘when you know better, you do better’. I find it empowering. You can take responsibility for past mistakes, but not be paralysed by them. Feel a sense of regret but still forgive yourself feel and move on with a with a renewed sense of determination to do things differently, better. It can be a saying that applies to either personal development or the development of society as a whole. It is really only those you are not afraid of being sensitive, of feeling pain, regret, of being uncomfortable about something who actually have the will and find the way to improve things. So being sensitive and empathetic are actually strengths in my book. And that is you, SH. Strong! So please, put those brownie points in your self-worth basket! If you can’t be proud of yourself, then at least appreciate yourself.

You are taking the right steps moving forward. Take it as slow as you like. Find the easiest path over the mountain for you even if it takes longer.

Thinking of you.

[Timshel]

I meant to say SH that I am so very sorry about the death of your friend. The loss of someone special is a terrible thing. Whilst time doesn’t heal that pain, it does allow you the space to live with it. I look at grief and loss as something that always starts off the same way. Initially it is unbearable. An open, festering, painful wound. But with time, that wound starts to close up and heal. It forms a scar. The unbearable pain subsides but the scar remains. That scar is not a constant reminder of the person you have lost. A reminder of how much love you felt and still feel for that person, how important they were to you, how grateful you are that they existed. It is a scar you bear proudly. Sometimes you look at it and it makes you smile and sometimes you look at it and it makes you cry but you are still glad you have it because it keeps that person close to you always, you will always be connected to each other in some way. It is their legacy to you.

I understand that recent loss may be affecting your thinking when it comes to distancing yourself from the friend you are in love with along with her anxiety at loosing your friendship. But try to look at it as just taking a step back in order to move forward. You don’t have to distance yourself forever, just long enough for you to be able to grieve and heal and redefine the terms of your relationship in your head. Just until you are comfortable at being her friend and nothing more. Until you can love her without being in love with her. It is not an all or nothing decision. I know it’s an overused phrase but ‘you just need some space’.

Tackling everything at once is way too much.

I would suggest repairing your relationship with your husband is the best place to start. You obviously care for each other a great deal. You have built a family together. You owe it to that family to make sure it is okay, even if it should take on a new form. There really is no such thing as a ‘normal’ family. Every family, like every one, is fighting their own battles. A happy, healthy family can come in all shapes and sizes. The only things that are important is to love and feel loved, to feel safe and to feel heard. You have a good foundation, you just may need to do some renovations. Once those are underway, then you can take time to address the situation with your friend.

You are going through a tough time now but just remember - everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not, then it’s not the end yet.

Take care of you.

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel

It certainly feels like I feel deeply sometimes! You are right, I would not change that. Even the childhood trauma has given me strengths and traits that I value. Without our experiences who the hell are we? Besides, how many people get through life without scars or pain? I think those people, if they exist at all, must be quite boring! So my answer is also a big NO. I am reflective though and I strive to know and understand myself better. I try to pay close attention to the way I respond to things and my reactions in order to improve the way I manage myself. I get the sense that you are the same. “When you know better, you do better” is something that makes sense to me too.

I also think vulnerability is a strength. It is a catalyst for connection. I am careful about where I lay my vulnerability though, and I will choose safe places and people to do that, but when you get it right it holds on to you and wraps you in a sense of well being and connectedness. Plus it is such a relief to drop the mask and the pretence with someone.

My friend who passed away was an extraordinary woman, quite a bit older than me. I was absolutely privileged to be part of her life. She was never afraid of a deep conversation and she allowed me to share and be part of her inner life. She also wanted to know me well and allowed me to share my inner life with her. We both had an understanding of how the other was put together. She also allowed me to be in the hole with her through her last year. It was tough but I had no regrets when she died, nothing left unresolved, nothing I wished I had said or not said. It was only grief I had to deal with. She was of the view that you have to lean in to grief, feel it, acknowledge it and respect it. I did that when she died. It was rough, there was such a large part of me missing. But the grief I felt and the ongoing process of grieving makes me understand how lucky I was, how important she was. We loved each other so well. And while I am still missing her every day, I know we were so incredibly lucky to have found each other.

You are right about my need for distance from my other friend. as much as I want to say I can stay close to her and deal with my feelings, she clouds my vision. She is not part of my solution, she can’t be, because my choices will never include being with her. The problems in my relationship with my husband feel big, regardless of whether we stay together or split. I need to get my head into that space.

SH

[Timshel]

SH,

I hope you know that you can be vulnerable here always. There is no need for pretence. Just be you. Be whoever you are in any given moment. No judgement whatsoever. Just lots of love and support and then some.......

I know your situation with your husband seems hard right now but hopefully the counselling will give you what it gave me, a place to be heard and a place to listen with someone who is trained to guide you both through the process in a constructive way. It will become more apparent what the right course of action to take is as the process moves forward.

While I think being 100% honest with each other about how you feel is best, that honesty doesn’t have to be unloaded all at once if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you aren’t quite ready to tell him about your feelings for your friend, then don’t. Do so if and when the time is right for you. Maybe you could even have an individual session with the counsellor and discuss the matter with them first and see what they advise on how to handle it or if it is something they think should be kept out of the mix altogether, at least for now.

On that note though, do you think there is any way your husband might already know or even suspect that you have romantic feelings for someone else? Could he have overheard something or read something or is it possible that your friend may have told her husband and he told your husband? I don’t quite know the dynamic of your relationships and whether or not everyone knows everyone else. Could that be a possible reason for his withdrawal in the last couple of years? Or is it possible that he may have met someone else?

When stonewalling and distance develops in a relationship, it is hard to know who started to withdraw first and who reacted to the other’s withdrawal. Very often, each one thinks the other started to withdraw first and that they were just reacting to that. That is exactly the case in my marriage. Each of us thinks the other pulled back first. Two totally different perspectives on the same situation. But this is what counselling is for, to give each other a chance to explain where you are coming from.

As for your friend, just take it one step at a time. You seem absolutely convinced that there is no possibility of a future romantic relationship between the two of you. That is step 1. Step 2 is where to from here. She cares about you, I’m sure she will understand if you need time to ‘clear your head’ and readjust.

Remember, no judgement here.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Hope your weekend is going well. Or OK.

And your husband ... in your first post you were also concerned he might be suffering from depression as well.

When I am feeling low, I don't like to be around people. That is perhaps because of a fear that I might judged and told to cheer up. Or, if they asked what was bothering me, I might be taken as crazy (figuratively) if I told them. There is a whole bunch of other ORs. And this is not very helpful for a relationship either. Rather an engaging, I will (likely) disengage. With my wife there can be a feeling of embarrassment.

Has he been able to talk to you about what is on his mind?

When you are supporting someone else it can also be emotionally draining on you. There can be a point where you just get frustrated as well.

Is it possible for such as conversation to (re-)create some sort of deeper connection?

I know you will both be getting some counselling this week where you may start to find answers about yourselves an your relationship. Working out the path forward is not easy. What that does regarding your relationships is unknown. In my life, the following quote is something I am trying to work towards...

“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.” - Rumi

... it might say something to you as well?

Tim

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel and Tim,

I feel so much love, kindness and support here.

Timshel, I do feel like I can be vulnerable and drop the pretence here. I hope you know and feel that too.

I think I will just focus on fixing the friendship I have with my husband and forget (for the time being least) about making any big decisions about staying or leaving. Within that counselling process, I need to be honest about my sexuality, even if I don’t have a name or label for it, or even have a good understanding of where I fit on the spectrum. I am not sure at this point what my husband will want. I do know he is unhappy, that he feels lonely, that he misses the physical intimacy like hugging and holding each other (not necessarily sexual intimacy, although I think this is an issue for him too). For me, this physical/sexual side goes as soon as the emotional intimacy starts to wane. I also know he is unhappy in many parts of his life. He feels some resentment towards me I think. I don’t think I am enough, and I am certainly not what he envisioned for himself from a long term relationship.

I don’t think my husband suspects that I have feelings for someone else, although I don’t think he will be shocked when I tell him. I feel a bit gutted that I am the one destroying trust. He knows I love my friend dearly. He knows her but is not close to her or her husband. We did things together as families before they moved away, but they never were more than dads/husbands in tow! He may have met someone else, although I don’t think so. Having said that, he is starting to wonder about all of the typing I have been doing since joining this forum a week or so ago!

I pulled back from intimacy first. There are things running underneath the surface of our relationship that I find difficult and I have let them impact my feelings for him. We definitely have different perspectives on the same things though. We have had counselling 3 times before, all in the first 10 years of being together. Each time we focussed on maintaining the friendship that underpinned our relationship.

My friend made it clear when I spoke to her this week. It is not grey for her and even if she was single tomorrow, she would not want to be in a relationship with me. It was hard but she needed to say it and I needed to hear it again. She will be hurt, but will understand if I step back for a bit. None of this is fair on her either.

Tim, I have hit the character limit (again) so will do another post to respond to you.

SH