Days of vulnerability and fragility

[Vera55]

I am having a very fragile and vulnerable day today.

No idea why. Issues of abandonment are always close to the surface. Even when people around me go on holidays or my support person is away I crumble like a deflating doll. I don't seem to be able to feel grounded by myself. I tried but still can't find that inner anchor that would stop me bobbing up and down in that deep ocean.

I didn't know what depression was until my late twenties, although I experienced it from my early twenties. I think I had very good survival instincts that kept me going till I was 24 when everything came crashing down. I think it was easier to hide my problems because firstly I wasn't aware of them and secondly I lived in an arty, eccentric circle where things appeared ok even when they weren't. How were we to know? How do you know you are weird when every one  around you is too? We were the normal ones, everyone else was the problem. 

I think all this time I was acting out. I had no idea who I was. I went through life like a zombie. Everything from outside looked normal, study, travel, job. I had a totally different inner dialogue. I think that pressure of the two worlds becoming more polarized lead to my breakdown which happened in my late thirties.

i remember waking up one morning and knowing that this is it. I was living on the South Pole but I really needed to be on the North Pole. It's like I had to turn everything inside out. I was living in a heterosexual relationship, thinking my partner was gay, a nice house, a responsible job, a young son and an important standing in our community.

well, changing sexuality half way through your life is no picnic. I had no idea I was gay or bi or whatever. Very confusing time but I did have some wonderful relationships with women during the next 10 years or so. 

I hate this illness. I hate the way it robs me of my peace of mind, of my constant vigilance, of the energy it takes from just enjoying the little things, of having to doubt my every decision in case it's the depression talking and not me?  what does that even mean? 

It's a horrible destructive disease. Some days I can and do accept that it's my reality and I do manage it the best I can but today is not one of those days.

i know I am in good hands here on bb because we all stumble and fall at times, get up, brush our knees off and plod again.

kind regards to all Vera

[Neil_1]

Hi Vera

Thank you so much for sharing this post – I know you’ve been absolutely fantastic with your messages of support so often of late to so many others (myself included).  I figured all along that you had a wealth of experience to share just judging by the caring tone that you shared your supportive messages back to people.

 Isn’t it weird … I’ve kind of said that you’ve got a wealth of experience in dealing with depression – as that’s a “good thing”!!  Well out of a massive negative for having depression in the first place, I guess it’s ok that we choose to find a positive out of it.  And hey why not – if you’ve got it, why not flaunt it or share it!!!  🙂

Those feelings of vulnerability and being fragile are truly awful feelings to deal with – I’m guessing now that you’re going along in life ‘solo’?  Or do you have partner?   Does your son live close to where you are?

Vera, what’s your own situation with professional help (GP, psyches, etc) and possible anti-depressants??  I am so glad you’ve found this website – and I think I might have mentioned in one of my first ever posts to you about what a wonderful warm caring person you are and how you’ll fit into this community like a hand in a glove.  And you’ve done that so well and I do hope you’ll continue.

I do hope that today (Monday) has dawned on you a little bit brighter for you than it was yesterday.

 I am going to have to ask as well – what an incredible experience it must have been living at the South Pole.  I guess one winter just runs into the next season into the next season and no matter what, it’s just damn cold all the time!  And where you there around Christmas time?   No hang on, Santa lives at the North Pole, doesn’t he?

Kind regards

Neil

[scorch]

Hi Vera

Words are escaping me right now.  I don't know what to write - so instead I'm sending you an enormous, warm, bear hug through the magic of internet and hoping that it reaches you and you'll be able to feel it.

I think you are a strong and wise person. You show everyone on here so much respect and always take time to help others out.  You said this disease robs us of our energy and causes us to doubt our decisions.  You are absolutely right.  So I figure, sometimes we need someone else to tell us what we already know but refuse to believe.

You are exceptional.  You deserve contentment and happiness.  You are wise and have a loving, beautiful soul.  All these things I can tell just be the words you share on this site.  Your determination shines through when you talk about stumbling, brushing off your knees and plodding on.  You are more than this illness.  you are more than the feelings of hurt and helplessness.  Feelings can lie, and they especially don't want you believing the truth that you are stronger than them.

I hope you take some comfort from this and that the people on this site will help to pick you up, dust you off and set you on the path again.

*hugs*

[Mares73]

Dear Vera I can only second Neil and Scorchs beautiful description of you.  You described aspects of depression so well-I could really relate to your comment on the constant vigilance & I'd add fear as to when & where the illness can strike-and the self doubt as to whether we are seeing things through the mask of depression or our true selves. But then there's also the  issue of depression being a part of our lives that we need to accept we will have to live with rather than fighting against it which seems to make it worse. Days of fragility & vulnerability is such a insightful way of describing those days where we feel consumed by a sense of loss of ourselves. It's a brilliant way of describing the days I feel so alone & simply existing rather than living.  Those days feel so empty & as though we are in an immobilised state of grief. I've felt many but never heard such a perfect way of describing them. And what I hate the most is not knowing when those days will hit hard. Maybe it's best not to know but I think if I did at least I could prepare myself or my mind that I'm going to have a really tough day coming up & plan to do something. But then that wouldn't work because on such a day I would just cancel or plans & hide at home avoiding everything.

But Vera whilst I know it's hard to believe on days like this-you are an amazingly strong person with a beautiful heart who is always ready to reach out to others suffering, despite your own struggles. And like Scorch said you are so so strong & always face your challenges with such courage & strength. You truly are inspirational in the support you provide for so many others, no matter what you yourself is experiencing. 

I can only say what a beautiful shining example you are. I'm really sorry to hear your having one of those lonely, miserable, hurtful days.  I've heard people say on such days to break it up into hours & try to focus on just getting through each hour. Do you read those gossip women's magazines -sometimes they have distracted me for a while or watch a soapy you'd never normally watch? Little things like that can help sometimes to get through the day?

You are in my thoughts today Vera & I truly hope tomorrow is a better day. But pls do let us know how you get through the afternoon today? Lve Mares xxx

[Bridge]

hi vera

i loved your post.

i hate this illness too.

i lived in arty world too when i was in my 20s.  Of my circle of friends, out of the 10 people i was close to at uni, more than half of them have been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness subsequently.

and i was wandering about in gay/bi/curious land in my late twenties and early thirties.  such a lonely frightening time.  i felt like everyone either hated or derided me (lesbians) or were way way too interested for all the wrong reasons (blokes).  hard yards.  it was terrifying.  It was really hard to accept the change in identity too. I didnt change really, but everyone else sure did! weird stuff.

we have some similarities in our pasts.

Like i said in a previous post (somewhere here), Im hoping the sun has come out  little for you in the last few days.  feeling fragile is very tiring.

big hug and all the best

bridge

[Neil_1]

Dear Vera

It's been 7 hours and 15 days, since you took your ... (no no, that was me entering the world of karoake and beginning to belt out that old love favourite of Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares To You".

But what I was going to say that my dear friend Vera, it has been a little while now since you've posted - and from memory, this was your last post.  You said you were feeling quite fragile and vulnerable on that particular day - hmmmmm, me thinks it's extended to more than just "that" day.

I just want you to know that myself and a big stack of others on here are hoping that you're doing ok - and hope that you'll get back to us as soon as you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

The karoake king (ha, if only - my voice has broken more mirrors than you could ever believe)

Neil

[Bridge]

hey Vera

are you ok?

write back as soon as you can!

big warm Hug

Bridge

[Bridge]

hey vera

just dropped by to give you this (electronic) steaming hot chocolate drink with 2 marshmallows bobbing in the top.

bridge

[Neil_1]

Hi Vera

I've also got a warm piece of apple pie with a lovely dollop of double whipped cream to one side and to the other side a lovely helping of ice-cream.

Hurry hurry, before someone else comes along and nabs it (LIKE ME!!)  🙂

Neil

[Mares73]

Hi Vera I'm wondering how you are as you haven't posted for a few days. Has that fragile day you initially spoke of turned into a fragile week? I am concerned how you are & like all of us hope to hear soon & more so hope your ok. Lve Mares xxxx

Ps my daughter is named after Sinead OConnor x