Narcissistic Girlfriend

[KireaB]

Hello, I am new to this site, and I joined so that I could ask this question. I'll keep all of this as brief as possible. I just need some advice.

My girlfriend and I (yes, I am a woman too) have been together for 2 years now. And we just started talking about the possibility of children in our future. I really want them, and always have, while she hates children. She told me that I have to decide between her or 'the baby.' That pretty much means choosing her wants and needs or mine.

She worried that I wouldn't be happy with her because of that issue, and we both had a day to think about it. The whole time, I talked to my best friend about it. I complained, but not once did I mention anything about children.

I noticed that she treats me like garbage and I feel under appreciated.

She has gotten better, yes, but it is not enough. She told me that she can't change anymore. Well... I'm sorry, I need to feel loved. I feel more like her slave than the person she loves. She doesn't want to have sex unless we role-play and pretend to be someone else. She says she can't get excited if it's just me. And yet, she says I'm beautiful and attractive. She says it's 'just the way she is' and that 'she can't help it.' I told her that I accepted it, and I did for a while for her. But I need that reassurance that she thinks I'm beautiful. 

Right now we have a long distance relationship, but she will be coming back in a few months. We talk online sometimes with a video chat, and she even tells me that she looks at herself in the video more than she looks at me. It makes me feel so... like I'm not even there. 

And very recently, she told me that she had to rethink our relationship just a few weeks ago because she was worried about why she was with me. She said she was worried that she was in our relationship because I loved her, and that was enough for her. Me loving her made her happy? What about loving me too?

I honestly saw a future with her, but luckily I brought up the subject of children, otherwise I would have been in a bigger mess than I am now. Any comments would be great. I know that I should break up with her, I just... she says she never felt this way about anyone else. And that she loves me more than anyone. And if that's as much love as she can show, then... she's pitiful. 

I needed to get all of this put in the open, honestly. Thank you for listening.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Kirea  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for providing the post that you have.  

You posted seeking advice, but you know, I think you’ve already answered the question you raised – on a number of different occasions. 

 I believe you know what’s to be done here and honestly the sooner it is done, the sooner you’ll be able to move on with your life and find someone who will love you unconditionally – with no other external matters coming into it – no ‘role plays’ (although having said that, the odd role play is never that bad a thing – occasionally – but not all the time). 

Someone who will make you happy and that you will make them happy – and that you’ll be genuinely happy and content in each other’s company.  That’s usually what a good functional relationship is about.  

From reading your post, she has said that she’s possibly not even in love with you?  

Anyway, it’s currently a long distance relationship – is she coming back in a few months because of the relationship or she’ll be coming back anyway regardless?  

 Because you’ve raised this as a major issue now, I would be suggesting that you end this sooner rather than later.  As I think, it’s going to be too long to wait for another few months of this to continue on the way it is.  

I hope I haven’t overstepped with anything I’ve said, but just reading through your post it had very strong vibes for the decision that I’ve suggested.  

What do you think?  

Neil

[Bec_Luke]

Hi Kirea,

Thanks heaps for sharing you story. 

I myself hope I haven't crossed any lines either but I agree with whit Neil has said. To me it's quite clear that she doesn't really love you. I mean if she did, there would be respect of your decision in wanting to ave children an not pull out the whole choosing her or having children. 

To be honest I could say that I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't love me back, however it is important to address this situation and work out where you may really stand, If she is talking about thinking why she is even n a relationship with you and saying she thinking about the relationship in that way then it's clear that there's something there that needs to be dealt with, as Neil said sooner than later.

I hope I have made sense, but I also hope I haven't upset or crossed any lines, I do Apologize If I may have done so.

I hope that this has been helpful for you and something to think a bit about.

And remember you always have us here to talk to and support 🙂

Bec

[geoff]

dear Kirea, I hope that we can hear back from you, but I totally agree with Bec and Neil, ( ladies first lol ), that your current girlfriend if she can actually be called that, because she doesn't love you not unless you are called someone else, this means that she is just using you for her own gain, and whether this also includes the apartment and the belongings.

You only want to have another lady friend where the both of you adore each other, and everything can be agreed upon, without any hassle or make believe affection.

As Neil has said you have pretty well made up your own mind, but needed some reassurance from people on this site, and at the moment it's 3 out 3 who agree with your forthcoming decision.

There would be so many lovely ladies just graving for a girl with whom they can honesty devote their time with, and who also would want to have children.

L Geoff. x

[KireaB]

Thank you all so much. I wasn't expecting such wonderful replies.

I didn't come back to check on replies until I was over it (or thought I was.) We talked over Skype, and she was crying - absolutely miserable just thinking of a life without me. She always tells me "I've never felt this way about anyone before. I can't imagine being without you." And then I feel terrible. I feel like a complete jerk. Because I know she doesn't treat me right. If this is what she calls love, then she's a really selfish person. And she cried so much when she said "If you have to think about it, then you'll probably choose the baby instead of me." Quite honestly, that's probably true. I would rather have someone who I can love and take care of, and have them be able to appreciate me for it.

So, you all will probably be upset with my decision, but honestly, I'm rather confused myself as well. I told her that I wasn't breaking up with her. We took a day to rethink over the children situation, and she came back with a very strange response. It gave me mixed emotions. She said that she wants to be together, but she doesn't want to talk about the future, and that we "work great together." Does that mean she wants me only right now? I don't know if I want to stay with her for security or not either. I do love her, and think about her a lot, I just want to be able to have a family with /her./ I... I have mixed emotions. 

I thought I could get over the fact that I wouldn't have a family, but every time I see kids, I just want to cry. Or hold them, or smile at them. I just can't be happy knowing that it's impossible for me. It's too much a part of me. 

Should I tell her that she needs to make sacrifices for me? I didn't want to tell her that her reasons for not having children were selfish, but they were. She says they are annoying, and we have to spend our lives living for them and not ourselves. And she calls me weird every time I mention that I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing.

Man, I'm starting to annoy myself, knowing what needs to be done, but too afraid to say it. How should I tell her? I really don't know what to do. I tried forgetting about it for her sake, but I can't. I really can't.

(And to answer your question, Neil, she's coming back regardless, and not just because of the relationship. She is studying abroad, and will be back in summer.)

[Bec_Luke]

Hey Kirea 

I understand how your confused, i mean she treats you horribly and says she has t think about the relationship and re-thinking why she is with you, plus there isn't much support or respect there for you having a child. But then when it comes to you talking to her about this and thinking of braking up, she then turns around and gets all upset and says she can't see her life with out you in it, i mean seriously if that was the case, to be honest, regardless whether she wanted a child or not she should still be there for you, and if you want to have children then that shouldn't worry her one bit, because she want's to be with you, but she said before had she is against it. have you addressed the issues with her and the way she treats you and ho it affects you? do you see her behavior on the things she has said and treated you before and then now when you address her its like a completely different story.

To be honest. I think you should be and need to be honest with her Kirea you need to if you haven't already address her with all the stuff that she says and does to you and then how she just turns around and says the complete opposite and says she cant imagine her life with out you etc. like i said before if that's the case she wouldn't be treating you like she does at times and says the particular things like re thinking to why she is even in a relationship with yu. at times its like he is contradicting her self. I apologize if i have said anything to upset you or the way iv said things. but its important that your happy to and honesty with her is the best thing and telling her how you are feeling, maybe you do really love her and think of her all  the time, but it's hard when she says the things and does the things she says that shows she doesn't seem to support your decision's or how a times her actions and words may affect you.

but maybe she could also be mixed about how she feels towars you, this sorta sounds similar between me and my partner. maybe ask he how she really feels about you honestly and she may not know or maybe mixed but it's important for you to know and if she does feel strong towards you then there shouldn't be a problem in supporting you with having a child or anything. I can't say that everything i'm saying is absolutely correct. 

But like i said it is important for you to know how she really feels about you, and that you should be happy also and that honesty is the best way to go about this situation your in.

Kirea I hope i have helped in some ways, but i also hope I haven up set you in what i may have said, I hope this all sorts out for you and that things will get better.

Bec x.

P.s Apologies for the massively HUGE ESSAY sorry