Coming out after marriage and kids

[AJ76]

I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 12 of those years and we have 3 beautiful children under the age of 11. For the longest time, I have struggled with my sexuality. Over the years, I have been to counselling with the hope of 'turning these feelings off'. Prior to getting married and having kids, I had an affair with a woman for 12 months. While it was an awful time for many reasons, the feelings of intimacy I experienced being with a woman was like nothing I had experienced before. It all felt so right. 

I have not been with a woman since as I chose to get married and start a family. My husband is aware of these feelings and has been wonderful and supportive of me. After a recent discussion where I opened up to him that these feeling weren't going away, as hard as I was trying to make the, he said that he would be okay with me 'hooking up with a woman if it didn't involve feelings. Personally, this is not something I would want to do. We have an amazing relationship in that we are great friends and enjoy each other's company. We work well together as parents and have curated a lovely family life. But there are times when these feelings really take a toll on my mental well-being. I find it difficult to be present for my family, and even the most menial tasks feel exhausting. I think about being with women more than I care to admit, and over the years have developed crushes on female friends and colleagues. I crave the intimacy of being with a woman. 

I don't want to leave my husband and split up our family. I don't really see a solution that doesn't result in someone getting hurt. How on earth do I reconcile these feelings? How do I keep my family together and live my truth?

[ecomama]

Dear AJ76, welcome to the forums. 

After reading your post, it's like you're asking how can I have that over there and this right here all at the same time without hurting anyone... 

Thinking about your wish, rationally, it's not possible, is it? 

It's an awful predicament to be in clearly. 

Deny yourself or break up the family for you to hope to achieve the true intimacy with a woman that you crave. 

I think the thing your H doesn't understand is that you WANT is to connect intimately with a woman. 
Not have an emotionless affair (which only deeply disordered people could do IMHO). 

Being with a woman is where your true connection feels right.  

I doubt there's any reconciling these feelings tbh. There's no therapy I can imagine that will advise you to deny yourself. I'm sure the ones that exist of the brainwashing techniques, fail. 

SO unless your H is willing to have a woman move in with you and you all live together and he remains HAPPY about the situation... what other choices are there? 
It wouldn't be a situation I'd ever consider but others have and do. 
Your H has already made himself clear on the topic but I'm sure you can talk more about it with him. 

Take care
EM

[Bravozulu]

Hi there,

I can relate to your story but am recently divorced and now dating. It wasn't my choice but am glad it was made for me. My kids are much happier now and are very supportive. Whatever you decide your needs come first otherwise you may sacrifice a very important part of you for the sake of others when you don't have to.

If you are around my age... I was married 22 years... we may have a long life ahead of us. So much to look forward to.

Identifying has been the hardest but most liberating thing I have done. Your support people will come once you start waving that rainbow flag around. 

You are not alone.

[AJ76]

Thank you for your reply, Em. Your first paragraph pretty much nails exactly how I feel. But you're right, it isn't possible. And that's why I constantly feel like I'm going around in circles. I'm trying to find a solution that doesn't exist. I just don't know if I'm ready to make that decision yet. It feels like a huge gamble, especially when for the most part, our family life is great. 

[AJ76]

Thank you for your reply, Bravozulu.

I'm turning 46 next month, which is another reason I believe I'm finding it hard to ignore these feelings. I know I don't have forever. I just can't picture taking that next step at the moment. Not while the kids are so young. I keep telling myself that if I can ride out the bad days, I'll be okay to keep going for a while yet. I know I'm denying my true feelings, but I don't have the courage to do anything about it at present. Having these forums and the opportunity to discuss my feelings is of some relief though.

Thanks again for your reply 🙂

[Trans22]

My best piece of advice would be to maintain the conversations with your partner.
I've been the partner of a woman in a situation similar to yours.  I would love to provide my story, but there is a risk that it could lead to you making a poor decision.  While my story has had a great outcome, I suspect this is very rare.