Being true to yourself

[Karam]

Hi everyone,

For many years, I had lied to myself and tried to date girls in order to cover up my sexuality - I realized that I wasn't getting any happiness as I was lying every day to myself, to her and to our families and friends. It took me years to confront it and then come out to everyone after accepting myself - the journey was tough and I know many who are still stuck leading a double life and would like some support to come out and be true to themselves and those around them

I then dated a guy who was in closet and tried to help him come out but after 2 years, I found out he led a carefully planned double life and was married with a kid. My world shattered and I had a stroke. I have been so grateful I survived it and grateful that I am out and proud as a gay man as I know that I am true to myself and will not be the man like he is.

I know if its hard and often those in closet and those leading double life needs some support, some voice to tell them that there is a way out - there is a chance, there is hope to be true to themselves and those around them

I would like some opinion/ thoughts/ stories from everyone on:

1. How we can support the closeted members of the LGBTI community more to let them know that they are not alone

2. How did you personally confront your sexuality and decided to come out and the effect on your happiness

3. What would you say to someone reading this who is deciding if they should come out

Thanks

[blondguy]

Hello Karam

There are many people that have the same concerns as you have brought up Karam. I will get a some friends of mine here to respond as they can answer your post more effectively than I can if thats okay 🙂

My kind thoughts for you Karam

Paul

[Paul]

Hi Karam, Welcome!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as you describe it can be a tough road coming out, even these days. It can be a tougher road for people who couldn't come out earlier in life and now feel compelled to authenticity.

In relation to your questions, we can offer support and understanding from the heart because as gay men we have been there on that road. I personally haven't been on the road of coming out later in life however many friends and acquaintances have. I've learnt that we can only help if someone says "Help!" otherwise offering uninvited assistance can stir up a lot of guilt and even terror.

When our peers ask for help there are folks like yourself who have been through the experience people like myself who are acutely aware of difficulties and pain and other people still going through the process.

I think together, especially here on such a kind and supportive forum we are ready to listen and understand the processes, the emotional experience of the person and offer gentle guidance about what they might be feeling or what might come next. Grief is such a huge part of coming out later in life, especially if a marriage or kids are involved. But even for anyone whose life they knew becomes a new life they now accept. The old life is still part of them and there will be grief for that.

I personally confronted my sexuality from a slightly scientific approach. If that doesn't feel right then this must be right. The the "but" and "what if" parts started. What if it's a phase, but I had sex with a woman and it was OK, what if I am rejected, what will happen later in life. Then I came back to "If i'm attracted to that and and this, then..." That was a process over about 5 years. I was young and I had that on my side, but that was almost 30 years ago. In coming out my aim was. Come out to those who are important to me, the rest don't matter.

If you are reading this, deciding whether to come out, can you look in the mirror and say the words? If you can, you've just come out to yourself. That's the most difficult part. If you couldn't say those words let's chat and explore what you are feeling and if coming out is right for you, if it's the right time and if there are barriers. Coming out isn't for everyone who considers it but it's a relief for all who do.

No matter what, we're here to help because we understand and you really aren't alone.

That's what I'd say.

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Welcome Karam to our BB forum;

You've been through some trials Karam; especially having a stroke and coming through it and your relationship situation. My heart goes out to you.

Your post also describes the helplessness of watching others hurt and identifying with their pain. This can be so challenging. As Paul says, coming out is a very personal experience and timing is relative to their situation. Sometimes, offering help is the only thing we can do; the rest is up to them. Just being there can be more important than you might realise.

I came out after being on this forum for a few months due to the amazing support and advice from people like the two Paul's. I didn't have anyone nearby to talk to. It bought up many complex issues to be dealt with, some of which I'm still exploring. (I'm a divorced 56 yr old mum with past trauma, abuse and anxiety/panic) The relief of finally accepting me though, was instantaneous once the words came from my mouth to my GP and Psych.

The old frightened me does pop up now and then and I get through it as best as I can. I haven't come out to my family or friends yet as I'm still getting used to things. Actually, it's not as important as my relationship with myself.

So I wish you well in your endeavours and am here if you need to purge or ask questions.

Kind thoughts..Dizzy

[MsPurple]

HI Karam. I was confused sexually when I was 16, I got a boyfriend when I was 18 and thought 'that's the answer I'm straight'. We broke up 2 years later, but it was a great relationship but wasn't meant to be. I wasn't interested in a relationship due to having other issues I was dealing with. When I was 22 my sexual confussion was again in the forefront of my mind. For me it was hard to understand. I liked guys but I also got butterflies with some girls. I knew about bisexuality but it was still confusing. I watched heaps of videos on it etc but I couldn't accept it. The moment I discussed it with my mental health nurse I knew I could finally accept myself and allow myself to fall in love with a person I get butterflies for. For me the hardest part was feeling like I needed to be gay or straight. People seem to think that you get the best of both worlds, and some feel this way in themselves (which is great) but for me it was an internal struggle of not being gay or straight. I'm sure some here can relate.

To answer your qu

1. I think we need to just talk to them, and allow them to do so in their own time. I also think from a bisexual prospective that we need to accept everyone in the LGBT+ community. I know some people can be a bit biphobic which is sad but true.

2. I haven't come out to everyone. My mum knows and my best friend knows. I started a new job in April (about to leave it as I am moving states) and most of them know, but for me they never knew me as 'straight' so it was easier for me to be open (plus they have heaps of LGBT+ people working there)

3. I think you can only come out in your own time. You don't have to do a FB post or be public. You can just tell your close friends and family and that is ok. Don't feel pressured to do it if you are not ready. I would also suggest talking to a counsellor about it because they can help you do it and help you word it they way you want to.

So in summary, I am still in the process of coming out as bisexual, but I am doing it in my own time and I'm happy with that. Two close people know and it feels great to not have to hide it anymore.

[Karam]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for the kind support. I am going through this journey, enoying every moment in discovering my self and just appreciating those around me

The family is still struggling to accept but that will be fine over time is what I would believe.

I am trying to help a good friend of mine - we had a discussion and realised that he had strong feelings for me. He then moved away but we stayed in touch. He has now broken up with his girlfriend and told me he needs to rediscover himself. I would like to support him but as mentioned, till he doesnt say help - I should not especially given our feelings for each other

It is interesting but challenging - but rewarding - thank you so much for your support

[Just Sara]

Well said Karam...proud of you

Kindest thoughts and well wishes...Dizzy xo