Coming out

[Paul]

My mantra has always been. I'll come out to those people who are important and close to me, and no one else matters.

My belief is that this covers most situations for accidental coming out or people telling stories. "Important and close to me" in the past has included my employers.

What does everyone else think and do you have a disclosure rulebook?

By coming out I mean not just "I'm gay" it could be coming out as trans or intersex, it could be disclosing your status concerning an STI.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

I think I have gone through a few different ways of dealing with it.

When I was in parts of Asia where being gay was not legal coming out didn't seem like the best option. People tended to avoid the topic anyway.

Back in Australia I went through a phase of talking about it, shouting it from the rooftops almost.

Now I think of it as being just another part of who I am. Not everyone notices the green in my eyes and assume that they are just brown at first, it is like that, people figure it out as they get to know me. Although I don't much like there being an assumption that I am straight and identify as male, I don't want to go around explaining it to everyone I meet.

[Just Sara]

Hi Paul and Rob;

Just a quick response; once I came out to my GP and psych, the 'what if' issue dropped off my radar. I don't feel I need to tell my family because it's not affecting anyone but me. If they ask I'll be happy to answer.

My psych and I had a great talk and the pressure prior to this is all but gone.

Getting on with my life...Dizzy

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy

That is the most awesome thing to hear - nice one!

It's funny and annoying how a lot of these fears come from within and we don't even realise. Grrrr. I was talking to my psych about issues at work and after he dragged me around a bit I suddenly "got it" Grief. Things have changed at work and I am grieving for what was. It never clicked with me despite me picking it up for a lot of people here and asking if they might think they are feeling loss. What I am saying is, it's awesome to have an epiphany because we usually are in our own way to see what is happening.

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Thanks Paul;

I am who I am today; each day presents itself as is. I don't have to worry or fret. Nice...

Yeah...grief is a hard one. Letting go and moving on with acceptance. It applies to everything I'm afraid. No getting away with it.

Dizzy xx

[MsPurple]

Hi guys

I know I'm late to this one. I am not completely sure how to completely come out. So last year I talked to my mental health nurse about this subject. He was the first person I told. The only way I could bring up the subject was "how do you know if you are straight?". It was something that I thought about when I was 16, then again when I was 22. For me it was hard to understand, because I only understood people coming out as gay. For me I have always thought both genders are attractive and I could imagine myself being close to a woman as well as a man. I kinda felt on the fence and for me that was the hardest thing to accept about myself. That I like both genders, romantically and sexually. I have always known bisexuality was a real sexuality, but I wasn't completely educated on it, all I knew is that everyone thought you were half coming out (for some it is a segway which I respect, you do what you're comfortable with, but for many it is not a segway). In the last year I have gone on dates with women and tried to see how I feel, and to learn to accept myself for who I am. I have told my new work collegues about my sexuality because they didn't know me when I was considered 'straight', and for me it seemed easier to tell new friends then old ones. ALso my work has more than a handful of LGBT+ members. I only told my mum two weeks ago and it was fine, I knew she wouldn't care.

For me I am still in the process of telling people. I do it when the opportunity arrises and only when I feel reasonably comfortable. Still haven't told my dad, but I know he won't really care. I'm only concerned he won't understand bisexual, he would probably be more understanding if i was lesbian, but oh well. Does anyone else worry about something similar? I know my family loves me no matter what, so for me I am very lucky. I am with you Dizzy, I don't really fret about if I should tell people (anymore) I just do it when I feel it is the right time.

[Kazzl]

Hi MsPurple, just wanted to jump in and say I think you have a great attitude. Tell people when you're comfortable doing so - you control what and who you tell when. Live life on your own terms - I have always instilled that in my daughters (who are around your age, hence my mumliness 😄) and I believe it's essential for our wellbeing.

And I am so happy to hear about your family support. From the sounds of it, your dad will be fine, and your mum will probably help him understand anyways.

Very best wishes to you hun. You're a lovely person and it's great to have you on the forum.

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Welcome MsPurple to our BB community;

Such wisdom coming from someone so young...you seem an old soul. (Not too old I hope)

Coming out is an individual choice. It was self empowering and a relief for me, I waited till I was in my mid 50's to face what I consider living authentically.

Like you I do have attractions to both sexes, but I've also been attracted to gay men who live a heterosexual life. A few actually when I come to think of it. I do think though this was my subconscious trying to get through to me. "Um...hello...you're looking at yourself!"

As for labels; I'm gender fluid. (waves of grey) I'm happy in work boots and jeans, as well as a ball gown and make-up. I do lean more towards boots though.

Social norm was my confusing factor growing up; mother, dutiful wife and the nuclear age 'family' was exacerbated by trauma and PTSD. Having some difficult experiences with women probably didn't help matters either.

But I'm here now, out and proud.

I agree with Kaz saying you have a great attitude. You're asking all the right questions MsP. That's the important message. Only answer the one's you have the ability to answer. You can't guess how others will think or react. That's territory for anxiety and depression. Take it from me...If I could have back all the moments in time I wasted worrying about what others thought, I'd be 10 yrs old!

Yours is a time to experiment, play and enjoy your youthful body and mind. Love, loss, fun, disappointment, laughter, mistakes, friendship, travel, youthful activities and learning from all the above. It's a wonderful time to discover 'self' and ...shine!

Try not to ask too many 'why's'. The variables and what if's can be vast and cause more issues than necessary.

The way I see it? You're doing great! I applaud your courage and self awareness.

Kindness...Dizzy (Hug)

[Cornstarch]

As far as I am concerned you are not answerable to anyone.

Your sexuality is your sexuality. I am %100 Lesbo, and I joke about Bi's being just plain greedy, but I joke a lot, just having teasing ya. I'm a middle child. That is my role. In truth I believe it is no-one's business what you do.

When I meet lesbians that are all like, "Ewwwww, traitor" when a women "betrays" the Sista-hood and goes back to one of our Brothers, I'm like, get a grip. It's her body, her discovery her "journey" (I hate that phrase but it suits me to use it at times so I will be Oprah when I wanna be).

Get out and there and have EFF_U_EN (fun) whatever you do. Man, life can be bleak. Have fun!

Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

[MsPurple]

Thanks Dizzy, Corn and Kaz for you responses. They are so great and heart felt. I completely forgot to reply to this forum.

I am still in the journey faze I guess, because I am still getting out there and meeting people regardless of gender. I will admit I get more nervous about the idea of getting sexual with a women because I guess I am still reasonably uneducated in that area. I will be open with my future partner and take it one step at a time. If anyone has any links to anything on this area it would be great to share. I know so many people struggle with finding rescources on lesbian relations and how to be safe etc.

It does terrify me what people will say, especially some of my school friends. But I know they won't care because they have helped me through a lot of crap. I know I'm not a traiter (but I do joke about it with my friends that know about my sexuality). I think a lot of my friends will look back and be like, oh that makes a lot of sense looking back on it. haha.

Dizzy I may not consider myself gender fluid but I don't think I meet all the gender norms. Some days I am more tom boy and other days I'm fully 'girlie girl'. I find some social norms weird too. Like I burp, why is it only acceptable for men to do it socially.

I'm happy with how fair I have come. I only talked about it a year ago so I've made a lot of progress with self acceptance.