Wishing death upon abusive father

[Love2020]

Hi,

My father is my worst enemy.
He has created me to become my own worst enemy.

He is a man I despise and recently have wished death upon.

He is an alcoholic, smoker, a gambling addict (lost hundreds of thousands of dollars), had multiple emotional affairs on my mother, failed every business he has started and blamed me when they weren’t going well.

He has always called me stupid, lazy, never good enough. Was yelled at when I expressed emotions he didn’t know how to deal with. He blamed me when life wasn’t going his way. I was told my basketball games were a waste of time because I never won games.

My earliest memories of being physical abused go back to when I was a toddler.

Due to my divorce I have lived back home with my parents since the start of the year.
Today tension erupted and he unleashed his fury, swearing, yelling, smashing the door and left a hole in the wall.
I forgot what it was like to live with my abusive father and it has brought back so much trauma.

As I reflect I see that unfortunately I inherited a lot of his bad behaviour - anger, impatience, emotional abuse, manipulation and the need to blame others.

Its not until I divorced I realised that’s how I treated my husband.

I hate my father more now that I realise my bad behaviour was instilled by his upbringing. This behaviour ultimately ruined the best thing in my life - my marriage.

Is it normal to have such hatred for your own father?

Can you forgive someone who has so negatively impacted your life?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Love2020,

Welcome to the forums, we understand it can be tough to post for the first time, so we are really grateful that you decided to reach out to our community. It was very brave of you to do so and we are so sorry to hear what you've been through and the abuse you experienced at such a young age. No one should ever be made to feel unsafe, and we hope you know that this is a safe space to talk about these feelings, and our friendly online community is here to offer you as much support and advice as you need.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would really encourage you to reach out, to help work through these thoughts and feelings. Our Beyond Blue Support Service is always available to you- day or night, on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you, and can also offer advice and referrals to help you through this.

You might also like to reach out to our friends at the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380, who have experience supporting those who have experienced trauma during childhood.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.


 

[monkey_magic]

Hi Love2020,

You are right in the thick of it ATM and I can imagine so many thoughts and feelings whirling around from childhood up to now about your father's misconduct/ harm towards you and your family.

I'm writing to you bcas I also have a bad behaving father and can probably relate to some of the things U have gone through.

To me, it's normal to have such hatred for someone like that, yes, especially when they repeat abuse over and over and have shown zero regard for your feelings. It sounds like he has deeply impacted not only your childhood but your adulthood as well. I'm glad you are aware/ see this pattern.

I believe you forgive people for your self/ to set yourself free, not necessarily for them and you never forget.

I think it would be wise to distance yourself as much as possible from this type of human as it cannot be good for you.

I'd desperately re- learn what he has instilled in you to have healthier relationships in the future.

Support would be so useful for you right now. Do U have supportive ppl U can lean on in your life?

Stay safe.

[geoff]

Good Morning, and from what you have told us it must be so difficult and suddenly bring back all the times when growing up and because of this it answers the question you've asked.

We rely on our parents for development all including cognitive, social and definitely love which will affect you short and long term and depending on your own circumstances may change how you behave.

In your previous marriage we often talk about 'what we should have done' instead of 'I ' but it takes two people to form a relationship and now you're back in parents home, all your childhood memories flash back.

Learning more about the signs and the situations in which emotional abuse may occur to identify your situation and then seek help.

Staying with your parents is only going to exemplary the situation annd wonder whether or not you are planning to move out because any outburst or blaming on you is going to affect how you feel.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Love2020

I feel for you so much as you face such deeply challenging confrontation. Obviously this involves confrontation on 2 levels; one being confronted by your father's highly questionable and intolerable behaviour and two being confronted by how that behaviour has impacted your life and your self.

One of two possibilities with your dad: One he's a 'brat'. You know that 'I don't care. I can do and say whatever I want and you can't stop me'. He has tantrums he doesn't care to eliminate from his life. In other words, he's a narcissist. Two, his behaviour has come from somewhere and such anger has manifested for some reason. He can't control/manage himself and hasn't found constructive ways that work. Maybe he's found destructive ways for coping instead (drinking, gambling, shifting blame etc). If you want to be really bold, question him. You now have the freedom as an adult to ask 'Why do you feel you have the right not to manage your anger/intolerance? Why do you feel you have the right to treat people so poorly? What is your reason?' If his response is 'It's your fault, why I react like this', you could then say 'So, your inability to manage your emotions is my fault'. Maybe it's actually his father's fault/s.

I'm glad you've reached the revelation that you're dealing with your father's faults in you (a lot of them aren't actually yours). A deep question but 'Do you know who you are without your father's faults?' The quest to find out who we naturally are will often involve us moving forward through giving our self release from limiting beliefs or faults that hold us back. This is something monkey_magic touched on (freeing our self more than anything). Living life with other people's ingrained beliefs (taught to us) and other people's faults can see us imprisoned, mentally and emotionally. We are actually not expressing our true self, when behaving like someone else.

Another one of your dad's obvious faults is the inability to see how incredibly amazing you are and have always been. This is a terrible fault in a parent, the inability to recognise their child's brilliance. The inability to constructively guide and inspire is another.

Don't lose sight of your growing natural abilities: to question, to seek answers, to accept challenge through courage, to desire reform and to wonder. Wondering what it takes to come to know your self to the point of 'life changing' is what makes you truly wonderful (wonder full with a natural amazing curiosity).

🙂

[Love2020]

Hi everyone,
Appreciate the support and kind words.

As I live in Victoria, I am extremely limited to my escape. This includes not being able to see friends, go to work or leave more than 5kms from the house. My parents and I have been stuck under the same roof for near 6 months and with personality clashes I guess this was bound to happen.

Unfortunately I can’t get my own place until Covid-19 restrictions have eased in Vic.
I am looking to move in temporarily to my house I own with my ex husband which is pending sale.

I am in two minds.
One where I believe I am a good person in a bad environment, who has had a demonic father place his dark thoughts in my mind.
And one where I have been made to feel so guilty and horrible for being who I have my whole life. Through blame, abuse, public shame and my father shining a light on the monster that I am inside.

It has taken me 27 years, a divorce and much time in isolation to deeply reflect and jump off this destructive path.
My biggest challenge is working on myself and my mental health which hasn’t been great.
I will need to unlearn and relearn behaviours and cognitive thinking. Which has proven to be extremely challenging.

I want to let go and move on from the destruction but most times I get up and fall. I am tired of falling.

Is it possible to completely relearn patterns and behaviours so traumatic instilled in you?
What advice do you have that worked for you?

Thanks you all
Lots of love

[ecomama]

Dear Love2020

A very warm welcome to the forums. I'm so glad you've been able to express yourself so well in your very first post. Other members have given you beautiful responses, food for thought.

This is indeed a year fraught with heartbreak and realisation.

The fact you are taking responsibility for your behaviours in your marriage shows a level of maturity not modelled by your father at least. Please accept my sincerest condolences for the break down of your marriage. It's a difficult thing to go through, I know.

I also know, as you know also, that as a child and even as an adult, you are NOT responsible for your father's extremely abusive behaviours. That is ALL on him. He's used you as a scapegoat for his own issues and I agree with Geoff, getting out of that home should be a priority.

You don't deserve another moment of that abuse. You didn't deserve it at ANY time in your life.

There comes a point, though, in our life when WE have to accept responsibility for our own behaviours. Regardless of the abuse we've faced. We never want to repeat this. We know how deeply it hurt and fractured us, let us never do this to another soul. I made this decision at 18yo after an abusive childhood. Though it didn't stop me from attracting abusive partners.

Yes you can forgive. But not forget. Forgiving is a selfish act but one of love for OURSELVES and a supreme act of freedom for ourselves also. It releases the abuse and the abuser from us and allows us to step forward in the world with a different perspective.

It's perfectly normal to hate the abuser for X amount of time. Then it's very mentally healing to release the hatred, it only works hard to destroy us, then get to a place of indifference. Of "nothing". This is the ideal. Not love nor hate, nothing.

This takes A LOT of work on your behalf. That's not fair lol, ofcourse it's not, but YOUR life and future is worth this much. YOU are worth healing. YOU and future generations are WORTH stopping this cycle of abuse forever.

Having a Counsellor can be so beneficial to support you to work through how this abuse has impacted your life and moulded the character traits you don't want to have. One experienced in FV - Family Violence would be best.

You can get referrals from the lovely Counsellors at BB and 1800RESPECT.

You will break free and create the loving life you dream of.

We're here for you along your journey.

Much Love
EM

[Love2020]

Hi EM,


Thank you for your kind words. They have really touched me.


It has been a rough year with what’s happening in the world as well as our own personal matters. 2020 has changed my life forever - going through a divorce and straight into isolation. I have spent so much time by myself and have opened unhealed wounds that are causing so much pain.
All I know is that I want to heal.
I want to be better, to break the cycle of abuse, to unlearn and relearn, to forgive, to love life and myself.
Of course it’s hard. I am unwinding 27 years of destruction and dysfunction.
I have moments where I move forward and then get set back. Forward and back again.
It’s exhausting.


I have also felt ‘homeless’.
I have not had permanent residency or safety for 1.5 years due to divorce and Covid.
I moved out of my first house with my husband, back to my parents while we waited for our new house to be built, into the new house, only to separate shortly after, back to my parents and back to my vacant house.


Living with my husband was toxic and living with my parents is also toxic.


I have not felt safe, at ease or settled in a home for a long my time.


Moving in and out of home was not choice.
My husband had ideas to upgrade our house and resulted to multiple moves and living out of boxes.
My choice would be to stay in our first home and get marriage counselling.
But life happens and I’m here alone and without a safe place to stay.


I need to keep moving forward. A part of that is to let go of the past and accept - not easy!
I don’t want to be resentful or bitter like my father. So I am here, opening up and working through my problems with those who are kind enough to give me their support.


What are some ways to let go of the past?


Thank you EM

[White_Rose]

Hello Love

I am glad you chose to write in here and ask for help. It is one the hardest things to do, ask for help. So often we get told what to do in those circumstances. Here you are respected and no one will try to bully you or insist you do what someone else thinks is right. We offer our own experiences and observations to let you know we have been hurt in the past although not necessarily in the same way. What has worked for us may not suit you but may give you ideas on the best way forward for you.

Letting go of anything can be difficult. I say that upfront in case you feel we are making it sound easy. It certainly is not. I found the way forward was by talking. I saw a psychiatrist for many years and gradually talked myself through all the traumas, and any negative emotion you can name. Like you I came to the realisation it was not all his fault. The abuse from his mother made him decide he was not going to allow it in his home. Well only if he was doing the abusing. He saw me as a possible threat to his authority and took steps to be the alpha male.

Still I have days when I get angry etc. but I find it's not so often, that I recognise what is happening more easily and can take steps to get myself together again. Yes it is a journey of two steps forward and one step back except when it's three steps forward and no steps back. That's a great day.

If you feel talking will help I suggest you get a referral to a psychologist from your GP. Under a mental health plan you can have ten consultations a year and Medicare will pay benefits as they do for other medical consultations. After each annual ten visits you will pay the total cost. It is possible to continue the healing by ten visits a year. It is something to discuss with your GP. There are other organisations who will help you in this fashion. Places like Relationships Australia, Anglicare, Salvation Army plus local groups which operate in one area only an d do not charge as much as psychologists.

Forgiveness as far as I am concerned means forgiving yourself. Once you can accept what has happened is not your fault and can stop beating yourself up about it, life will get easier. Forgiving someone means you have let go of the past. Doesn't matter if the other person is dead or alive, you do not need to tell them. Sometimes it can be mistaken for exonerating the other person. Not so. What has happened will not change, only your attitude to it and that is such a wonderful feeling to be free.

Mary

[therising]

Hi Love2020

When past events become a reference point for pain, perhaps it's more about reframing past events so that they take on new meaning. This can provide the ability to naturally let go.

The past can become a reference point in defining who we naturally are. Once we begin to figure out who we are, we can recognise our abilities.

From my experience, one of the most powerful statements in acknowledging true self is 'I am deeply sensitive'. There are many abilities that come with being sensitive. I am deeply sensitive to people telling me lies about myself. It can feel painful to be told I am useless, worthless, no good. It can feel painful to go unheard, esp when what I say is of importance to me. It can feel painful to be neglected and rejected. So, with my sensitivity to these things I can find the truth, based on the fact that the truth feels good, not painful. In truth, I say I'm someone who has purpose, who is valuable, who is amazing. My words are important. I deserve attention and support. This is the truth I could not have found without my sensitive nature. Such a nature also allows you to 'read' others: What is the issue with the person who triggers my 'lie detector'? What leads them to be thoughtless or cruel? Focus shifts to wonder, as we become a conscious observer of self and others.

I find another gift that comes with sensitivity is inspiration/intuition. It can definitely be hard to hear it in the right way. Eg: You could be trying to please your father when suddenly he goes on a rant. What comes to mind may be 'You know you'll most likely never please him'. In the past, you may have felt a deep sadness with these words. In reality, are these words not true? How could you please someone who cannot be pleased? Inspiration implies 'Let go of trying to please him'. Again, inspiration may dictate at some point in life 'You are hopeless', you are without hope to fuel you. What if this was a prompt to consciously search for hope. What if it was also a prompt to assess 'Who in my life fills me with hope?' The answer could be 'No one (at the moment)'. I've had this revelation before at times. Good follow up question, 'What the heck are these people around me doing, not constructively leading me to hope?!' I've learned to be careful in locating sources of inspiration 🙂

So, you could say you are sensitive enough to sense lies and inspiration. You could say you've always had a 6th sense for such matters. The truth is...you are incredible.

🙂