Wishing death upon abusive father

[Love2020]

Hi,

My father is my worst enemy.
He has created me to become my own worst enemy.

He is a man I despise and recently have wished death upon.

He is an alcoholic, smoker, a gambling addict (lost hundreds of thousands of dollars), had multiple emotional affairs on my mother, failed every business he has started and blamed me when they weren’t going well.

He has always called me stupid, lazy, never good enough. Was yelled at when I expressed emotions he didn’t know how to deal with. He blamed me when life wasn’t going his way. I was told my basketball games were a waste of time because I never won games.

My earliest memories of being physical abused go back to when I was a toddler.

Due to my divorce I have lived back home with my parents since the start of the year.
Today tension erupted and he unleashed his fury, swearing, yelling, smashing the door and left a hole in the wall.
I forgot what it was like to live with my abusive father and it has brought back so much trauma.

As I reflect I see that unfortunately I inherited a lot of his bad behaviour - anger, impatience, emotional abuse, manipulation and the need to blame others.

Its not until I divorced I realised that’s how I treated my husband.

I hate my father more now that I realise my bad behaviour was instilled by his upbringing. This behaviour ultimately ruined the best thing in my life - my marriage.

Is it normal to have such hatred for your own father?

Can you forgive someone who has so negatively impacted your life?

[therising]

Hi Love2020

Personal evolution can definitely be tough. It can almost feel like the powers that be are saying 'Okay, if you feel you've progressed to the next level of your own evolution, first I'm going to really put you to the test to see how well you learned so far. Let's see if you have evolved through your last lesson or whether you simply think you've evolved'. The challenge is given to us and BAMM, we can be left thinking 'I swear I thought I could handle this better'. There can be that feeling of us cycling through the same poop we thought we'd mastered.

Having had this feeling many times, it led me to wonder 'WHY?!!! Why haven't I got my poop together as well as I thought I had?' It took a long time to figure out...every single challenge is different. Even the ones that appear the same are different:

• Your dad can treat you like garbage when you're 4 years old, then 15 years old and then he can treat you like garbage at 27. While you could say he's always treated you the same way, you've always faced that same challenge, the circumstances were all very different. In my opinion, 4 is when we should be inspired to hold onto our natural identity and build upon it. You know that natural little adventurer who's excited by all things exciting, that little person who wonders and questions everything. The challenge is enormous for us to hold onto that identity when we have mind altering saboteurs in our life. At 15, the challenge is again different. At this age I believe it is a time of reformation. If the saboteurs in our life offer nothing but criticism, resistance and a lack of guidance and support...we typically revolt/rebel. We form some kind of revolution (against the system that oppresses or depresses us). At 27, we could have been through a mind altering transformation where the sabotage has become clear to us. We will be put to the test in our reformation. If the lesson is 'detachment', which is actually a skill under certain circumstances, how well have we learned to detach? With detachment, high self esteem can result. I've found wonder to be an absolute ripper way of detaching. As I've mentioned, instead of being emotionally drawn into someone's drama, I simply wonder why they are acting like an insane narcissist. Gotta be careful with wonder, to keep it to your self, otherwise the result is asking that person out loud why they're behaving like an insane narcissist. But hey, sometimes it feels thoroughly liberating to vent our wonder 🙂

[Love2020]

Hi all,


Long time no post. Thank you all for the support and kind words.


Unfortunately nothing has changed. I am still living with my parents and still have the most hatred feelings towards my dad.
I have decided to cut him out of my life. This raises a few issues.
I earn just enough to get by if I was to move out of home. It would most likely be living pay check to pay check
as much as I hate him, I do feel a sense of guilt.


With this predicament I believe it’s best for me to move out despite the huge financial responsibility.
Living in such a hostile environment is bringing me anger, resentment, toxicity, negative influences and it’s not very healthy.


I want to live in a peaceful, healthy and Patrice environment. It would just mean I pay a big price.


I just can’t stand watching him blame the world for everything, giving my mother the silent treatment when things don’t go his way, snapping at myself or my mother, wasting his either sleeping, drinking or gambling.
He is a real pig.
I am struggling to come to terms of how much of a miserable, rotten human being my own father is.


Thoughts,
Love

[ecomama]

Dear Love

Yes! Long time, but I'm glad you're back even though not much has changed.

Have you completed Settlement with the sale of your marital house?

Tbh I think it's best if you concentrated as much of your focus as humanly possible on getting OUT now, finding a place to live and setting things up there.

To "tie you over" you can call 1800RESPECT and ask to be put through to a Trauma Psychologist.
You're in a Domestic Violence / Family Violence situation NOW and also went through similar abuse as a child.
Your needs could be "complex" (more on that later).

You can phone 1800RESPECT any time and if you leave your name, they keep notes on the situation and the next psych can help you more precisely instead of having to repeat your story.
I've done that and it's been brilliant support!

When you're settled in your new place, keep in touch here and we can all support you.
I believe you WILL need a psychologist or Counsellor at the very least, but that can come later once you're "safe".
The psychs on the helplines can be a bridge to that time, and beyond if you need or want.

So the question you asked about HOW to get past things will come in time.
It's really too much to think about when you are still experiencing daily / hourly trauma.

Take Care!
Love EM