Where do I go from here?

[sentinel23]

We've been married for 20 years. Over the last year, things have deteriorated to the point where both of us have said we were leaving the relationship on several occasions. In my opinion, this was because of poor communication on my wife's part. Rather than talk an issue through, she would rather avoid any conflict and just let it fester.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago things escalated again and I said I was going to leave. Once again, pulled myself back from the brink and suggested we go to counselling (again). We've both had 1 individual session each, and then a joint session. I have to say I walked out of the last session feeling that there was no hope.
What really concerns me is the way that the counsellor handled the session. Basically all blame was laid at my feet. Whilst some issues that were raised were right, some weren't, and I was a bit surprised at how quick the counsellor came to their conclusions. Afterall, we're trying to distill 20 years of marriage and all the nuances that involves into 2 one hour sessions. I know I definitely didn't touch on all the issues I needed to raise. Also, I really felt on the back foot for the most of the session, to the point where for the last 30 mins I basically just shut down and let everyone else do the talking. Quite often I would start to say something and would immediately be cut off. Other times I would make a statement which would be micro analysed and I would be left with the feeling that the counsellor thought I wasn't being truthful. Overall, I was left devastated and feeling worthless. My expectation of counselling was that we both might end a session a little bit closer to resolution but I have never felt further away. I really need some advice on where to go from here.
1. Find a new counsellor who makes us both feel comfortable.
2. Stay with the current counsellor. Even though I don't like their style, I was told that I would need to commit to 6 sessions so I should give it a chance. Also, if this is to be successful I think both of us will need to face some hard truths about ourselves, and I don't really want to run away from that.
3. Leave. That evening after the counsellor I wanted to discuss some of the issues that were raised. My wife didn't want to do this. I don't know if I can be married to someone where communicating our concerns is so hard. If the only time we can talk about our problems is through a counsellor then I'm out.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sentinel23

One of my early exposures to a mental health professional was as a carer for my teenage daughter who was profoundly unwell. This child psychiatrist was “one of the best” according to our GP, yet he wasn’t. Rude, arrogant, judgemental and offering a treatment plan that didn’t work.

Just because someone is a “professional” doesn’t mean they’re good at their job.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t be afraid to change. Trust your gut. I really don’t believe it should feel like two against one in the sessions.

If you decide to stick with this one, a few thoughts…

• If you feel on the back foot and can’t respond quickly enough, say so. Tell them you need to carefully consider the question and that you’ll address it in the next session.
• Take notes so you can keep track of the discussion(s) and follow up at the next.
• Ask questions about what’s going to happen in the session at the start. Make sure you’re comfortable with the plan or try to influence it. Ask what will be happening at the next session at the end, so you can prepare.
• If you think something isn’t fair say so. Explain how you are feeling in a respectful, and calm way. Suggest the changes you’d like to see (eg being allowed to finish your sentences).
• Consider providing the counsellor and your wife with your feedback about the first session and see if you can establish some shared principles or rules for conduct.

I’m really sorry you’re not sleeping. Please take good care and be kind to yourself.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hi again 

I was just thinking about your post and wanted you to know that there will inevitably be times in any marriage where life gets in the way of being the kind of partner we want to be. 
I can remember many times feeling that way about my husband (usually because of his work commitments) and him feeling that way about me (usually because of work or taking care of children or both). Sometimes there’s just not enough left in the tank.

You’re not the only one who has struggled to get the balance right all the time. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.

Kind thoughts to you

[sentinel23]

Hi Summer Rose,

Once again, thankyou for your well considered and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the time and effort you are putting into them. I think they are all great points that you raise.

It's ironic you used the word "fair" as fairness was something we spent some time discussing. My two takeaways from that were "sometimes marriages aren't fair" and I shouldn't "try to impose my values" on my wife. Whatever that means. The more I type, the more my gut tells me this will only do more damage than good.

I'm sorry you had that experience with your daughter's psychiatrist. My daughter also had mental health issues at that age and I know what a roller coaster that is. I hope you were able to find someone better able to help her.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sentinel23

If my thoughts and words can help you in anyway I’m glad. It is a pleasure to chat.

The word fair is a tricky one. Life isn’t fair and as our marriages exist against the backdrop of our lives I don’t believe they are always fair either.

For example, when our daughter fell sick I left my career to care for her. It wasn’t even discussed, just had to happen (and I’m not complaining I wanted to do it). But I have never been able to return to my previous corporate executive level work. Looking back, was that fair? Was it fair that while my husband was able to maintain his career he had to carry the financial burden alone? And do this with little or no support from me (at times) because I was so consumed and exhausted from caring responsibilities?

None of it was fair. Most of all to our girl who suffered terribly.

But we did what we had to do and got on with it. Thankfully we don’t harbour any resentment towards each other, just the opposite—we are proud of how we worked together for our family. But you get the point about fairness in a marriage.

However, I do think a process such as marriage counselling should be fair. The ground rules should be fair and you should be afforded a fair hearing. 
Kind thoughts to you 

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

Just occurred to me that I didn’t answer your question. Yes, we found the right help for our girl. Yes, she has learned to manage her condition. Woo-hoo!

I would also like to add a comment about values. In the example I shared about the actions we took when our daughter fell sick, we were on the same page because we had shared values. Family first.

I don’t believe either one of us could have imposed our values on the other. So, if for example, my husband would have wanted to maintain our financial well being instead of making the necessary adjustments to adapt to one income, I believe our marriage would have been over as our values would simply have become incompatible.

Does that help you understand the counsellor’s comment?

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Sentinel23, sometimes marriage counselling doesn't go the way you had expected, as it didn't with me and my wife, because they tend to pick up on one issue and make that person feel so guilty, which then in turn makes them say nothing any more, rather than listening to the whole story from both sides and then talking about these problems.

They are the balance between resolving these issues and if this is not done and they single out one person then the session won't achieve anything.

If you don't like the counsellor then waiting for 6 sessions is a waste of time because you won't be listening or doing what they say to you, so change before you have only 4 sessions left and find someone you like and understands what you are saying.

If your wife just wants to avoid talking about these issues, then you won't get what you are trying to achieve.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[sentinel23]

Hi Summer Rose,

Glad to hear your daughter is on top of things now. Our's is well on the way and I'm proud of her overcoming all the things she has in the last few years!

I think you are spot on with what the counsellor was driving at with the word fair. One thing I've noticed with our marriage is that when life has thrown something unfair at us, we are at our best. Partly because those are the times we really felt like we had each other's back, partly because we pushed all our other issues to the side. Maybe the one time this didn't happen was in the early days of our daughter's problem, due to denial and lack of understanding on my part. I got there eventually.

The thing I pointed out to the counsellor was that we also need to feel we are being treated fairly by our partners. Whilst not imposing my values on her, I said if we can see the difference in what each of us thinks is fair, this might be a good starting to point to gain some understanding and empathy of the other person's point of view. This then turned into a discussion about empathy vs sympathy, which I don't think added a lot to the conversation.

What I do know is that chatting to people on here has given me a lot more insight into our marriage and the way I think about things than all the counselling I've done so far.

[sentinel23]

Hi geoff,

Sorry to hear counselling didn't work out for you. I think you've perfectly described my expectations. So far we've had about 8 sessions with 2 different counsellors and I can't think of one thing, no matter how small an issue, that has been resolved.

I'll try and talk to my wife and see what she thinks. I was thinking even if we spend the first session talking about our expectations, how the sessions will be conducted, the points Summer Rose raised earlier, and figuring out if we both the like person in general. If that costs us a session, rather than wasting three it will be worth it.