Gaslighting my marriage

[MummaOf4]

I'm gaslighting my marriage. I'm making the same stupid mistakes and I think it's over this time. I betrayed my husband. Over the past year I've felt like my husband had lost love for me, he never used to do all the nice things for me any more, the little things that matter. I had felt like I needed it elsewhere(dating site) I'd just love the attention that I had wished my husband would give me. We argue a lot. Mostly about money, having no car to go on family trips, and of course he would go through my phone and see my disgusting flirting. I want to change, I want to be a better wife that he deserves, I genuinely love him. We have been through a lot together. I don't want this to end. I suggested marriage counselling but he refuses. We have a son together that is a daddy's boy. It will break my heart if he leaves. I won't know what to do, we have an argument and he just packs up and goes to leave and it upsets our son thinking daddy is leaving. I don't want to put my son in a broken home. He doesn't deserve that. I just don't know what to do. I'm killing my marriage.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What a brave lady you are, admitting all fault. Well, almost, as it seems your husband has lost the art of flirting himself or giving the attention you crave. Then you face the likelihood of- if he ends up giving it to you then you'd feel like its from your demands and he'd think the same "I'll do it just to please her".

The answer to any future success to your marriage depends of a few things.

• The level of forgiveness he can muster
• Your prioritising your marital obligations
• The soul searching together including being open about your needs eg attention
• Reduction in work hours replaced by activities to edge out any dissatisfaction
• Kick starting your marriage
• Argument resolving strategies

When it is clearer that one party has strayed from the marriage the other party can feel they have no need to do counselling. I understand his stance on that, so you can go alone. That would prove to him at least you are serious on making it work, he might join later on. A financial advisor is also money well spent.

I have a couple of threads to read, you only need to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/the-financial-world-of-quot-snakes-and-ladders-quot/t...

Thankyou for posting. Repost anytime

TonyWK

[MummaOf4]

Thank you. I suggested couples counselling but he has his heart set on leaving, I have this feeling. And I deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy but he does. 

I'll look into these links

[geoff]

Hello Mummaof4, going to a dating site could be because he doesn't show you the love you want, however, it's not something I would be doing as it tends to drive a wedge between you both.

There are faults on both sides here, but understand why you did it to gain some affection by someone else.

From some people I know the children are better off in two happy families and unhappy where their parents aren't getting on, I'm not saying this should happen.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[white knight]

Hi mumma

I'm sorry you are sad at this time. Geoff has mentioned there is faults on both sides and I do agree. Many people would put the blame squarely on you and you alone but we all have needs and while your wasnt met, a communication breakdown seems obvious.

I assume by your name you have 4 kids. I can only advise one thing- to apologise from the bottom of your heart and hope he believes you. Failing that you must look towards the future and the possibility of separate families as Geoff also mentioned. Kids are resilient and while that likelihood is there it isnt the end of your world. Be positive no matter the outcome and lesson learned. Your best should be good enough and if it isnt and he leaves then ther eis some actions in life that cant be repaired.

Humans make mistakes, if they dont they are aliens

TonyWK

[MummaOf4]

I'm looking for some advice on marriage counselling, what to expect, how it all works. We are booked in for next Tuesday via zoom. I'm scared, I suggested this to help us but I'm really scared. He gave me my final chance (long story) and I don't deserve it honestly but God I love him so much. I'd do anything to make things right

[smallwolf]

From your post I am guessing that you're feeling scared and anxious about your upcoming marriage counseling session. It takes a lot of courage to take this step, and I want you to know that I'm here for you. It's okay to feel nervous - this is a big step towards making things right. Remember that the therapist is there to help you both, and they will provide a safe space for you to discuss your feelings and work towards a resolution. Just be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings, and don't be afraid to ask questions. You deserve to be happy, and I believe that this is a positive step towards achieving that. Good luck.

[MummaOf4]

Thank you so much. I feel a little more at ease 🙂 I guess agreeing to counselling is at least a step forward.

[white knight]

It's a very big step forward.

BTW, spend some time on adventures, day trips, beach, Cafe lunch, a hike. Sitting talking about the issue isn't going to assist you both, there has to be some fun and opportunities to hold hands, connect etc

As Smallwold said the counselling is a safe calm place. It's OK.

TonyWK