Where do I go from here?

[sentinel23]

We've been married for 20 years. Over the last year, things have deteriorated to the point where both of us have said we were leaving the relationship on several occasions. In my opinion, this was because of poor communication on my wife's part. Rather than talk an issue through, she would rather avoid any conflict and just let it fester.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago things escalated again and I said I was going to leave. Once again, pulled myself back from the brink and suggested we go to counselling (again). We've both had 1 individual session each, and then a joint session. I have to say I walked out of the last session feeling that there was no hope.
What really concerns me is the way that the counsellor handled the session. Basically all blame was laid at my feet. Whilst some issues that were raised were right, some weren't, and I was a bit surprised at how quick the counsellor came to their conclusions. Afterall, we're trying to distill 20 years of marriage and all the nuances that involves into 2 one hour sessions. I know I definitely didn't touch on all the issues I needed to raise. Also, I really felt on the back foot for the most of the session, to the point where for the last 30 mins I basically just shut down and let everyone else do the talking. Quite often I would start to say something and would immediately be cut off. Other times I would make a statement which would be micro analysed and I would be left with the feeling that the counsellor thought I wasn't being truthful. Overall, I was left devastated and feeling worthless. My expectation of counselling was that we both might end a session a little bit closer to resolution but I have never felt further away. I really need some advice on where to go from here.
1. Find a new counsellor who makes us both feel comfortable.
2. Stay with the current counsellor. Even though I don't like their style, I was told that I would need to commit to 6 sessions so I should give it a chance. Also, if this is to be successful I think both of us will need to face some hard truths about ourselves, and I don't really want to run away from that.
3. Leave. That evening after the counsellor I wanted to discuss some of the issues that were raised. My wife didn't want to do this. I don't know if I can be married to someone where communicating our concerns is so hard. If the only time we can talk about our problems is through a counsellor then I'm out.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sentinel23

I’m really sorry that you’re struggling in your marriage and not comfortable with your current marriage counsellor. It’s a tough spot to be in.

I’ve been married over 30 years and know what you mean about the challenge of trying to unpack decades of marriage. Every issue seems to be wrapped in layers and layers of complexity, past hurt, assumptions and expectations based on past experience.

My view is that I wouldn’t go back to your current counsellor. You both need to feel safe, comfortable and heard in the space or it’s not going to work. 

It’s just my opinion but, if you still love your wife, I’d give another counsellor a shot.

I wouldn’t walk away from 20 years of marriage because communication is challenging, if that’s the only issue. It’s my thinking that there is likely a compromise to be reached, that respects both of your legitimate yet competing needs. 

I’m suggesting an agreement to hold discussions at a mutually agreeable time and place and introducing a time limit and/or subject limit on the discussion. So ,for example, you may want to discuss the problem for half an hour, brainstorm solutions the next time for half an hour and work out what you’re going to do the next time you talk.
This is an approach that my husband and I use because I often want to talk and he doesn’t. And, if he feels it’s all too much and I keep pushing, we end up arguing and he’ll just walk away from the issue.

But it’s better to talk to him when he’s not tired and comfortable, even if I have to wait and stew a bit, than to let things fester. And limits are a good “out” because it provides a break and gives us both time to think about things before we might get frustrated or say things we might regret. It’s amazing how one’s thoughts can change and one’s heart can soften after a good night’s sleep.
I know this approach won’t be for everyone but it does work for us. What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you

[sentinel23]

Thanks Summer Rose. I'll think about what you've said and come back with a more detailed response.

All I want to say right now is thankyou for acknowledging and validating my concerns. It's been such a long time since I've felt this and it means more to me than you'll ever know.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sentinel23

I’m glad my words helped you. Please don’t feel any pressure to respond or say more than you’re comfortable sharing. That’s not how this community works. Myself and others are here to support you at your pace, in a way that meets your needs, in a non-judgmental kind and caring way. 
You take good care.

Kind thoughts to you

[sentinel23]

No pressure, it feels good to get things off my chest. I really like the suggestions you've made, particularly setting a time limit and only sticking to one topic. I've briefly mentioned them to my wife this morning and hopefully we'll give it a try tonight.

Can I also ask everyone - what should my expectations be in how counselling works? To my mind, if a problem is raised it needs to acknowledged, discussed, then maybe some kind of compromise or strategy agreed on, which may or may not involve one or both people changing their approach to things. After our last session I was really confused. It seemed to me every time I tried to offer a solution to a particular problem I was shut down as this was seen to be trying to change the other person. After giving up on that angle I started asking "what do I need to do" but this was also cutoff. Later my wife brought up an issue that triggers her, she acknowledges that it's mainly her problem, I'm also aware of it and avoid it as much as I can. I was immediately told to change what I was doing, which was the opposite of what I'd previously been told. When I pointed out that I generally have but sometimes it's just part of running a household which 2 people share, married or not, I don't believe I really got a response. Sorry if this is vague, but in the big scheme it's only a trivial problem. I just saw it as a good opportunity to discuss a strategy so we could both be happy but this didn't happen.

To me the whole session felt a bit tense and combative. And I really can't see the direction the counsellor is taking us and how it helps our situation.

[Doolhof]

Hi sentinel23,

Summer Rose has offered some very helpful suggestions. From my experience in a long marriage, communication, understanding, and validating the other person's needs can be tricky at times.

Congratulations on deciding to seek counselling to help. I am not sure if Relationships Australia might be able to offer you some advice. I'm sorry to read the session with the current counsellor was not very productive or supportive of you both by the sounds of it.

I had one session of couple's counselling with my husband. He used the whole session to state everything I did wrong, the male counsellor supported him stating things "like women just don't understand men!" The counsellor did make a couple of suggestions my husband could use to assist with some issues. My husband agreed they were a good idea...but never took them on board.

Wish I had some answers for you! Just want to acknowledge that relationships are quite a journey at times and I am sorry you are struggling with your marriage. 

[sentinel23]

Thanks Doolhof, I'll check out Relationships Australia. I'm also sorry to hear that counselling didn't work out for you and your husband, it sounds like your experience was similar to mine.

I have to admit both I and my wife can get carried away in the heat of the moment and start blaming each other. Trying to read up on more effective ways to have discussions as well as some self reflection. Hopefully I can avoid stepping on those land mines in the future.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sentenil23

Your understanding of how marriage counselling should work makes sense to me. Your disappointment and unease about how the first couple session went also makes sense to me.
From what you’ve posted, it seems the counsellor wasn’t very objective or communicative enough or fair. That’s why I suggested you try another.

How’d your latest discussion go with your wife? Any better?

Kind thoughts to you 

[sentinel23]

Hey Summer Rose, thanks for checking in, it really means a lot. Tried your excellent suggestions, set a time limit, topic limit etc then proceeded to break all the rules we set 🙂 Haven't given up on this because I really think it's a good idea, just think the both of us need a bit more discipline to stick to the script. Overall though,I feel like I'm on the back foot because the counsellor has validated all of my wife's concerns and none of mine.

Kind of feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place now because if we change counsellors it will always be like I ran away from the hard questions, so I hope you don't mind if ask your opinion about a few specific things that occurred.

One question that was asked of me during the session 2 or 3 times was "what did I do to emotionally support my wife?" when we were first married. Each time this was asked I gave a totally weak, non existent answer! So the sweeping judgment was made that I had "emotionally abandoned" my wife. Which might have been a fair verdict considering the answers I gave. When I got home later I reflected on everything and realised I was being asked to recall things that were said and done 20+ years ago in a really short time frame. So I sat down over a few hours and thought things through, had a list of about 15 things that I could remember about those early days that I actually did to support my wife. The other thing I did was to write down all the years from 2000 to 2023 on a piece of paper, look through old photos and just try to remember the significant things that happened in our life. I realised, hey we've actually had a lot of sh*t happen in our lives (outside our immediate family). 2 things occurred to me. Dad had terminal cancer during that time, so that would have been a major distraction to our relationship. Maybe the counsellor should have explored other factors external to our relationship. Also, the judgement was that I had neglected my wife and kids. Looking at the timeline I came up with this was right at certain times, but there were definitely things happening that I needed to deal with (hated every minute of it) that got in the way of family.

[sentinel23]

I guess my major disappointment with the counsellor is that they are a professional, they deal with the things I've pointed out all the time. I've walked out of their session feeling completely terrible and a little bit shocked at how quickly and with how little information life changing verdicts can be dished out. It's taken me a few days to come to the realisation of the facts I've stated above.

There are other things about the session which really upset me, but I've gone on long enough. The only thing I can guarantee is that the counsellor has had a great night's sleep every night since last Wed. 2 hrs a night for me 😞