Wanting to hear from survivors of infidelity

Bailey13 · ‎13-06-2017

Hi, I have been on the receiving end of a cheating husband (married 10 years, 2 kids). I know the majority will say reconciling will never work but I'm not ready to write it all off. I'd love to hear from anyone who has stayed in their relationship after being cheated on and how they are coping or managed to find peace, if that's even possible. My husband is very determined to rebuild or marriage. I sway day to day from feeling positive to not comprehending how it could possibly work. I'm feeling really stuck and scared of making everything worse either which way I turn. I don't want to fully invest myself back into our relationship unless i can cope with the lies and infidelity creeping up on me all the time. I trust that he loves me and would never do it again, but i don't trust myself to be able to get over it enough to not allow my hurt and sadness to interfere with our marriage. Anyone been or in a similar situation with some advice for me?

Bailey13 · ‎16-07-2017

Thanks Leo2017,

Appreciate you sharing your story with me. I hope your partner truly appreciates your love and effort in all this. Unless you've been on the receiving end I think it's hard to truly empathise, so I hope our partners never underestimate what we are putting ourselves through for them. I am so pleased to hear you have found a counsellor who is helping. My husband also suffers depression and there's a horrible long story about what led to his affair. None of it really laying blame on our relationship. I feel like if we did have a crappy relationship then I could understand why it's been ripped right out from under me. I know there's still a possibility of us working through this, but it will never be the same and I'm still having a hard time getting my head around that. I feel like I'm trapped in a no win situation, either way I look at it I can't forsee enough happiness to encourage me to make decisions about what to go from here, so I stay stuck in a viscous cycle. My thoughts fling back and forth from day to day and I really have no idea what to do. We are currently living separately and my kids are really struggling. I know people say they will adapt but they hate being away from me so getting them to stay with their dad is an emotional strain on all of us. We went from a close loving committed family to a big messy emotional wreck. I can't even find space in my mind to work out what's best for me when there so much else to worry and think about. I'd love to hear how you go with the counselling down the track. We haven't tried couples counselling, it kind of terrifies me, but maybe it's worth a try. I need to know whether it's possible to really put something like this behind you and move on, or whether it wreaks havoc with your relationship long term. I know everybody's different but if I can get as much advice from others in the same situation as I can, i hope it will help build my confidence to make some decisions and back myself. I am really sorry you are going through this (same to anyone in the same boat), it's awful and it's exhausting, but please know you are turning your pain into something positive by giving your advice and input, it's very kind and selfless of you

Take care, thank you again

Ken1 · ‎17-07-2017

Hey Bailey13,

I'm going to put it out there that I cannot read your future, or understand your experiences right now, but I do know that generally, when we are feeling vulnerable, we catastrophise, making us unable to foresee the full extent of possible happiness. I'm sure there are many ways that your future could look and become bleak and unhappy, but that is not to say that the possibility of happiness is off the table. I wish I could give you a story of a similar circumstance to yours that had a happy ending but I don't have something so closely related. I can tell you however that I attempted suicide this time last year and believed with every fibre of my body that there was no hope, no happiness in my future and no other way. I tried SO many things and all of a sudden I stumbled across options I never would've thought to find that led to the place I am at now where I am genuinely the happiest I've ever been. I regularly have to stop and pinch myself because I never ever believed I would be here, feeling this way.

I know that doesn't give you an answer or a way to go. I just hope that it shows you that there are situations in which it seems that nothing good can come out of it and the future is doomed, but things can actually turn around. I didn't do anything noble or amazing to turn my situation around - I only did bad things and stumbled into amazing things! I believe that this can happen for you too.

Have you considered that maybe, if you were to commit to working out what's best for you - sacrificing that time, that you may be better equipped to deal with what's going on? You know that phrase, 'Charity starts at home'?

I would say that if you can find a way to get a bulk-billed couple's counselling session, then what's the harm in just trying?

Hoping you'll keep finding the strength to persist through what sounds like a really difficult time.

All my best.

Bonnie

Leo2017 · ‎18-07-2017

Hi Bailey,

Thank you for your kind words - I 100% understand the emotional rollercoaster of infidelity and how alone and hurt you feel.

I believe my decision to stay and work through our issues comes down to the fact that my partner is my best friend, and I want our relationship to survive because I think we will be stronger and happier than ever.

I would definitely give counselling a go - I don't think there is anything to lose. If anything, it's a really good way of unloading to an impartial person who can also give you advise on how to recover.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to reach out anytime.

Leo

Bailey13 · ‎30-07-2017

Thank you for your wise words and compassion Bonnie and Leo. You both seem so incredibly strong, I admire that so much! How you find such positive and supportive words for a total stranger when you've been through so much yourselves is inspiring. Couples counselling sounds like a good option at this point, I will look into this.

Thank you again, I truly am grateful for you taking the time to help me 🙂

Ken1 · ‎02-08-2017

So glad we were able to be of some help, Bailey13. Strength surely does come out of difficult experiences and I know you carry that strength now, and even more of it when you overcome these difficulties you're going through now.

Glad that you've decided to look into a potential solution for yourself and your husband! I wish you all the best with finding a counsellor that's a good fit.

So happy to help and are always here when you need.

Bonnie

Mapletree · ‎08-11-2020

Hi Bailey13, I just want to say you are not alone. I could’ve written your paragraph. It’s sounds just like what I feel too. I’d like to know what the secret or coping mechanism is too. I wanted to say to you, that I’m sorry you are sad. I understand your pain. Some days are hurdles I just can’t get over and other days it doesn’t cross my mind. But it’s constantly there. I think for me, I placed so much belief in my relationship and openly said if you wanted to destroy me, that’s how you would do it, and he did exactly that and he was probably the last person in the world I would’ve imagined to be a cheater. I hope each day gets a little better just for you if nothing else.

Freckles1984 · ‎20-01-2021

Hi Bailey,

I am just looking for some hope...

I am going trough something very similar to what you exposed in here, I am really sorry you had to go through it all.

How is your life now? did you ever came across the other side. I feel like everyday is a struggle. Like you, I never imagined he would do something like that, we had our marriage issues, who doesn’t? But he just destroyed me.

I feel so sad, he wants to repair and move forward and although that is possibly what I want too, I find myself immersed in flashbacks of his dalliances and I seem not to able to move forward.

what do I do??

lost19 · ‎28-07-2022

Hi Bailey,

I’ve just stumbled across your post from 2017 - just wondering how you’re going now?

Freckles1984 and mapletree - how are you both going now?

i discovered my husband had been having an affair 3 months ago. And I’m still struggling immensely. There’s things regarding the affair that he’s swearing black and blue against (eg. I’ve asked if he had contacted her after I found out about the affair, he is swearing on everything that he didn’t)… how do you accept these sorts of things and move on 😥

Thanks in advance guys, looking forward to hearing from someone - anyone that can offer me some positive advice please.

Ggrand · ‎28-07-2022

Hello Dear lost19,

I would love to give you a very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry this has happened to you and your now struggling with trusting your husbands words…that would be very hard to do….I think trusting each other is a must for a loving and caring marriage..and once that trust has been broken it’s very hard for the other person to trust again…..

As this thread is an older one…. if you feel up to starting your own thread, more people would be able to pop into it and support you as well as offer some good suggestions….

I am sorry, that I don’t really have any good advise for you….but I’m sure, starting your own thread, many caring and beautiful community members will call in to chat to you…

My kindest thoughts dear lost19..

Grandy..

Croix · ‎28-07-2022

Dear Lost19~

I'd like to join Grandy in welcoming you here. You are in a heart-breaking position and knowing what to do is very hard to fathom out. Before I go any further may I ask you if you have any support or are dealing with this in isolation?

A family member or friend? Someone who cares and who you can talk frankly with can make a lot of difference to you, lighten the load a little. They can't fix things, but you may feel less alone.

If there is no such person you might give a thought to getting some counseling, for that reason and also to borrow their experience. Relationships Australia is good one and may have a presence in your area - 1300 364 277

I think Grandy's advice about trust is spot on. It is essential for a relationship and once broken in very hard indeed to re-establish. That's not to say it is impossible.

One thing I would say is that if it is going to be possible at all then it is the job of the person that broke the trust to actively rebuild it. Lies or argument or ignoring things wil not do the job, they simply make things worse

In this case I guess it is up to your husband to make every effort to regain your trust. This not only means completely owning up to what has happened in the past, but making it easy for you to see if he is behaving in an acceptable manner onward. Such things as giving you the pass to his phone, sayng where he is going out to, and anything else that might cause you to worry.

It can be a test if someone cares, if they shut you out and do not try hard then I suppose you have to draw your own conclusions.

I'd like to end on a positive note, to my knowledge some - but obviously not all - people have had an affair and learned from the experiencing and been faithful from then on.

We would very much like it if you came back and we could talk some more

Croix