Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm glad the talk at the school went well, it sounds quite hopeful.

I'm not glad you are being emotionally blackmailed into having sex, that is an incredibly selfish way to act, and also misses the point of intimacy. Taking out feeling 'deprived' on the kids is not something any self-respecting person would do. Plus after that talk he has no reason not to understand your feelings.

I suspect it may not be so much the missing of sex as not getting his own way -do you think I'm being too harsh?

Was there any reason why you did not simply take the kids to the beach and leave home behind?

You said "feels like the only thing I have that can make him happy and sometimes I wish there was something else."

I think you have it the wrong way round, what is he doing to make you happy?

Croix

[Anzee]

He has always had a high sex drive and I would usually be able to satisfy him with that but since this trigger I haven’t been able to partake in the same kind of sex we used to do and definitely not as often, which I know has been really hard for him and I know it’s going to take time for him to accept it and get used to it but I have tried to explain to him I am not choosing to feel this way and I don’t like it anymore than he does but I just don’t think he understands that yet, but I know he is trying.

I wanted us to do something as a family as the eldest goes back to school on Monday and I wanted to do something special for her as we’ve been in lockdown and she’s had a really hard time with everything. We were meant to go camping with some friends but my partner found out I had talked to that friend about some of our relationship issues so he said he’s not comfortable around her anymore but knew we had to do something so promised the kids a day trip to the beach instead. I also don’t know if I’d be able to drive that far (2hours) on my own as driving (especially long distances) has unfortunately been a trigger for my anxiety so I didn’t feel like it would be a good idea or enjoyable for anyone in my mental state to attempt it.

He does make me happy and I love him and know he is trying. I definitely could have written that better; I feel like the only way I can get him out of one of his bad moods to make him happy is sex.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm not sure you could have written it better. If you go back as I've just done and read your thread again starting with your first post I think anyone would agree you need support.

There is a trap so many people fall into and that is making far too many excuses for a partner who does not show the kind of love, care and reset that is just plain ordinary -nothing special. Giving in to anger is not care and loving. He needs another coping mechanism other than your intimate comfort, which is where therapy comes in.

I read you did leave for a sort time and he started to see a doctor, on your return it tailed off.

The trouble with these excuses is firstly it encourages the behavior to continue, and secondly it places more burden on you, just at the time when you need all the bolstering you can get, particularly with CASA on the horizon. It may even get to the stage where you forgo the counseling.

May I suggest next time you take the kids somewhere closer, any sort of change for an hour or so would be good. Is there anywhere close you would feel capable of driving to where the kids could enjoy themselves?

Croix

[Anzee]

Hi Croix,

i actually did read the whole thread on our way home from the beach and I know I allow the cycle to continue but I really do love him and I am scared to be alone. I also do believe he means it when he says he will get help, he really does have a good heart, I just have to learn to push him a bit more.
I think one of the most eye opening things about what you just wrote is that I really think I’m not ready to go through with CASA at the moment and I think I will tell them that when they call, I hope I don’t put it off forever or even for long but I really don’t feel like I have the strength to go through with it at the moment. My psychologist also just changed our sessions to fortnightly and that adds to my reasons for not feeling ready to do it yet. The thoughts that come with talking about or addressing my trauma at all are way too overwhelming and overpowering and I need to be present and supportive for my girls which I feel like I can’t do when I’m focussed on my trauma and how I’m feeling. I just keep relying on hope that things will change and get easier.

Once lockdown settled in regional vic I did start taking them back to outdoor places again (waterfalls, playgrounds etc) with just the 3 of us, but the beach was an extra special thing to do and he had promised them that so they we’re excited about it and that their dad was coming. He ended up being really good for the day 😊

Again I know I’m letting this happen but I just can’t even think about doing this without him/ alone, we’re also so so close to buying our first home together as a family and I don’t want to throw that away either because that is something we’ve worked so hard on doing. He does support me in lots of ways, just needs to work on some areas and I need to be more vocal about that I think.

[Anzee]

Ok so I think I’m finally getting somewhere! I’m going to bite the bullet and just give casa a try. I’ll learn how to self soothe first so if it does get too much I’ll just stop. I think I’ve realised I’m more scared of worst case scenario if I don’t go through with CASA and it takes control for the rest of my life.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm very glad you have thought though your fears of a worst case scenario and it has allowed you to be more positive about getting help.

Please remember, you are always in control of any therapy or treatment you are offered and can make judgments as needed.

To love your husband and get him to the place where he is in control of himself is a powerful motivator too.

Croix

[Anzee]

I don’t know why but I am so scared about going through with it. I think I’m just worried about the journey and how long it takes. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions and that’s what happens every time I talk about the abuse out loud with someone, and the nightmares really get me too. I wish there was an easier way to do it.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Anzee, 

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) , 1800 RESPECT (available 24/7/365) counselling service to support people who have been through DV and abuse,  our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Anzee]

Thanks Sophie_m,

I am ok, just worried about the emotions that come with CASA but my psych is aware. And deep down I know it will get better, I just need to learn some more coping strategies when I’m feeling extra emotional and I know CASA will teach me them.

[Anzee]

So turns out you were right again Croix,

after being in a lot of panic and anxiety over the nightmares and overwhelming feelings I’ve worked through what was causing this and realised that I have related my visit with casa to my stay in a psychiatric ward around the age of 14 where other traumatic experiences took place and then in my state I was flooded with memories of many other traumatic experiences I’ve had in my life and I had to bring myself back and realise I am safe and none of that is going to happen again but I think I need a break from the trauma work for a bit. I’ve emailed my psych and told her so at least it’s all in the open now and I can chose one thing at a time to deal with.