Tired of being the emotional punchbag

[Stratos]

I'm really struggling to deal with my wife's behavior, and I am finally thinking that it is time to leave. We’ve been together for about 20 years. My wife has always been a bit highly strung. About 5 years ago we moved cities, and she seems to have been in a gradual decline since then. She has been treated for depression, but the medication seems to do very little to improve her mood or behavior. I'm not even sure that the root problem is depression.

The impact to me can be broken into three aspects:

1. Constant criticism. It doesn't matter what I do, I will always be wrong. If I try and do something for her, I'll get told how I'm wrong, should do it another way, why was I so stupid, etc. She accuses me of not communicating, but if I ask her how I should do something or what I should be doing, I'll get shouted at because "why must I make all the decisions?". The criticism is having a profound effect on my self-confidence at home and at work.

2. Short temper. I spend my life feeling like I am walking through a minefield. She loses her temper at the slightest thing. Literally one word out of place will result in 10 minutes of shouting. I find myself rehearsing important conversations with her in advance, to try and minimise the risk of upsetting her. I hardly ever have casual conversations with her, something that in itself upsets her and causes her to shout at me.

3. Toxic venting. For as long as I've known her she has insisted on "venting" about issues in her life. At first I'd try to offer suggestions, but that simply angered her. She said that she just wanted to "vent", not have them try and fix anything. Over the years this has gotten more and more intense and angry. Plus, although she says she doesn't want me to try and "fix" anything, she also shouts at me because I do nothing about the issues that she raises. If a work colleague says something to upset her, she'll come home and shout at me. I get shouted at for anything that has upset her during the day - work, friends, family, world politics..... 

Her latest complaint is that I do not get angry when she shouts at me. I've been trying to keep my resentment of her behavior under control, as I don't think having a shouting match really helps anyone. But it does affect me, and I am really ready to walk out.

Does anyone have some insight into this type of situation, or any advice that they can share?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Stratos, 

We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship. It sounds like it’s had some very serious impacts on your wellbeing. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.  
 
It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.  

Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[geoff]

Hello Stratos, I'm really sorry what has been happening in your marriage, but if you can find no solace in your 20 year marriage, then neither of you are going to benefit in any way and it may be appropriate for the two of you to separate to begin with, this will enable you to realise that some freedom is posssible.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Guest_1584]

l'm sorry op and l do not believe in divorce but in something like your case, you just can't keep living such a soul destroying miserable existence , because on one person , even if it is your w. l agree with Geoff.

Personally , 20 yrs, she doesn't deserve you even trying any longer. Matter of fact l'd stop even bothering and starting today just walking away or going about your business and just doing whatever you want ignoring her rubbish, really. 20yrs, enough is enough she's become like a spoilt frustrated brat and making zero effort to do anything about it while just taking advantage of your tolerance and hope of saving it.

l don't see any way of dealing with her or winning. With people like that there usually just isn't especially once they know your buttons.

l would be quietly planning my leave l'm afraid, permanently, and finding some happiness for yourself.

Good luck.  rx