Struggling with separation from wife.

[BrokenHeartedMan]

My wife has just left me after being together for 30 years. We have been together since the age of 16, now at 46 she has decided she wants to 'live her life' and has told me that no chance of reconciliation of the marriage. We have 2 children 15 and 17, they are currently living with me in out 'family' home and my wife has moved in with a friend of hers.

I feel like my heart has been torn out and jumped on, if it was not for my kids being with me I would not be in a good place at all. I am trying so hard to be strong for my kids but I just keep breaking down. I have not eaten in 5 days, it makes me physically ill just thinking of food. I get about 2 hours sleep a night, my doctor has given me medication to try and help me sleep but it makes me a little drowsy but not sleep. I have suffered from depression for 20 years and have been on medication for it all that time. It just really hurts so much as she is the love of my life and I cannot imagine my life without her. I am not going to hurt myself or anything as I could not do that to my kids. But I am in so much pain, I am so lost, and seriously struggling. Any advice would be great. I would do anything to have our marriage fixed anything, but she is not open to it and has already told family and friends she has left me. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Guest 4752

I am really sorry to hear about what you're going through.  I have been married over 30 years, so have an idea of the depth of your loss. But I still can only imagine your pain, again I'm very sorry.

I don't have all the answers but I want to encourage you to take one day at a time. I think you need to try to eat and would like to suggest "grazing" rather than sitting down to face a big meal.  Just try a few dry biscuits or maybe a bit of a banana so you don't upset your stomach and then try to build in more small snacks throughout the day. 

With regard to sleep, I'd like to suggest you go back to the doctor and explain the tablets aren't putting you to sleep because maybe the dose or the drug aren't right for you.

You and your wife started your life together very young.  I'm thinking your wife might feel she's missed out on something.  But it's entirely possible that she will find the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence-but unfortunately she needs to leave and find this out for herself.

Whatever happens with her, is beyond your control.  Only how you respond to this situation is within your control.  It's going to take time to get your thoughts together and I'd like to suggest that professional counselling could really help.

Please post any time and call the beyond blue support line anytime, 24/7, to help you through tough moments in real time.

Kind thoughts to you

[BrokenHeartedMan]

Thank you for your reply, I called Beyond Blue earlier today and had a chat with someone, she gave me some things to try to help with my emotions and trying to get some normal back in my days. I have also been given a few pdf files from another support organisation on what could have also been a factor in her wanting to walk away from the relationship due to certain surgeries she has had over the past 6 years. Nothing will change how much I love her and I always will. I would give anything for this to just be a bad dream. 

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

Well done for reaching out to the bb support line. I have always found a kind, caring and knowledgeable person on the other end of the line.

Interesting thought about the possible impact of her surgeries. It’s also possible that she could be going through menopause or experiencing a MH issue. This has a way to play out yet and I’m sure you’ll get more insight as things progress.

The main priority needs to be, however, looking after you. Your kids’ needs are critical too. How are they coping?

One strategy I use when I can’t turn my mind off with worries and concerns is to take a long walk at the beach (anywhere in nature works for me). It just helps to ground me and I find it calming and usually feel better afterwards.

Do you have any friends or family to lean on? Could be really helpful right now.

Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

[dandy90]

I’m really sorry you are going through this. It’s so painful. 

I was with my partner from 17 and for 10 years and when he ended our relationship, it felt like it destroyed me. I believe we go into survival mode, or ‘fight or flight’ because we feel we have been abandoned, which our body reacts to as a threat to our safety. In this mode, our stress hormones are elevated, and that might explain why you can’t sleep and can’t eat. (Stress hormones mess with your digestion abilities and sleep hormones)

I’m not a doctor or anything but I did research and I found understanding what my body was going through chemically from experiencing a hard loss, helped me a bit understand why I felt so bad and why I was struggling to cope. (I lost a lot of weight, started experiencing anxiety and depression and a host of other physical symptoms from the extreme stress I felt from the separation. It did settle down in time)

I agree talking with a psychologist is so helpful, and friends. And crying. Just releasing emotion in any way. 

I also agree that she may realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side. So you might just have to ‘give the time, some time’ but in the meantime, watch your inner dialogue. If is starts telling you things that make you feel bad about yourself, make sure you balance out those thoughts with better thoughts so you also remember the great things about yourself. 

what are some things you can do to make you feel just a little bit better? Favourite food/drink? Any hobby you could do with a mate? Favourite book/movie/song? Anything to self soothe. Journalling can be very helpful too. 

sending you support and a hug 

you got this 

[LiedToHusband]

Hey BHM your not alone, same thing happened to me 2 days before xmas 22, tore heart out of me and my son.  Turns out the adulterating wife alleged "Christian" was cheating with the alleged "Christian" 70k :0) yr 2 teacher.

People that can do this to their family are scum on the bottom of your shoe, just face it like I have, you have been tricked and used by lowlife....best revenge have a good life.....it may sound harsh but break contact 100% dont give them updates on the kids let em squirm...their conscience eats them alive.