Struggling with relationship loss - not your typical breakup.

[Soverylostgirl]

Its 5:45 am, I've been awake since 4:30 crying again. Soon to be ex-hubby sleeps in different room so I guess that's a blessing he doesn't have to listen to me.

2014 - 2017 we went through a highly contested court battle for his sons. It was an emotionally screwed up time. The end of court was sept 2017. Oct 2018 he said we were done.

Since then we've been in this up and down relationship. I can't even explain it. He leads me along for a while then says he doesn't. We live together, regularly we're intimate but zero attachment on his side. Anyhoo, we have really been at each other this week and I found out he's talking to someone online. This has really shattered me.

I feel so stupid. I love him beyond words (16 years together and 3 kids) and I've asked if he'll work on us and I just get zero.. I know I need to let him go but he's the love of my life and I'm not coping. I've stuck by him through everything, and what's worse is he told me he started to disconnect with me in 2015 but didn't say anything. Yes we have had our ups and downs over the years but we always worked it out. I knew we had dome issues but I was waiting for court to be over to deep dive into fixing them... But instead he used me for what feels like the funds to support his court case and tossed me aside.

I'm not innocent. During the court stuff I posted stuff online and it was used against him in court (stupid emotional shit). He blames me for it. But he doesn't see everything I've done for him over the years...

I'm just so depressed. I've never been this bad. I've taken to drinking alcohol at night to push down the hurt and make me sleep. I'm sitting here on my couch bed crying, wondering if I'll ever be OK again. I start work in 2hrs but luckily taking a half day because of shit that's happened this week.

How the hell do you let go? I don't know how someone can just disconnect so quickly after so long. I hear him in the other room talking to people and laughing and I miss that with him. I miss the way it used to be.

[Soverylostgirl]

To clarify sorry it was 2017 October he said he wanted to break up, 1 month after not so desirable court outcome which he mostly blames me for.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

It is so sad to hear that your husband is not giving you anything.

You mentioned being not so innocent as well - what you did while might not have been the best thing to do, was probably natural, coming from a place or anger and hurt. It is easy to beat ourselves up over these things.

I cannot really answer the questions to you posted at the end. It is easy to write "do these 5 things and ..." but that does not acknowledge how you are feeling. Having been married for sometime and now separating is a stressful time, and one of loss also. That disconnection you mentioned could be his behavior/coping mechanism (how he deals with these events). That is something you would have to talk to him about or not.

I also notice how much you love him and miss his laugh and at the same time knowing you should let him go. Like you are at a crossroad and wondering what direction to take. It sound as if part of you wants to fight for the relationship. The question then is, does your husband want to work on it, or has he emotionally already moved on?

It might also help to talk with someone about you are feeling? You said that you have turned to alcohol to help you. Perhaps talking with a professional about this would help you work through the issues at this time. For different reasons, I have been talking to a psychologist (and psychiatrist) about other problems for some time now, and there is no shame in that for me.

Despite how much or lack thereof sleep you got, I want to you know that I am listening to you. If you want to chat some more I will be here.

Tim

[Guest909]

Hi Lost

A lot of people on this forum are in a similar situation; trying to come to terms with what has or is happening; trying to understand what went wrong, and why.

I would suggest that alcohol is not the solution. If you are having trouble sleeping, please go and see you GP. He or she will most likely prescribe an anti-anxiety medication that will help you sleep; sleep will make a huge difference to your quality of life. I know that I could not have survived without medication intervention.

If you are having problem emotionally your GP will also write out a "Mental Health Care Plan". This will give you access to a medicare subsidised professional that will help you work through your problems; without the need for alcohol. A few session with a phycologist might be helpful.

Have you tried to talk to your husband about marriage counselling? If not, it can't hurt to ask the question.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to let go; if you ever find out, please let me know.

If I can repeat what Tim (smallwolf) has said, if you want to talk, we are here for you. Sometimes it is helpful to compare and swap stories with people that know what you are going through.

Please; no alcohol; it will only make matters worse.

[SapereAude]

Hi Soverylostgirl,

I'm sorry to hear of your relationship issues. That can't be easy at all. Welcome to the forum and I hope that you find support here.

I also recommend speaking to your GP about a mental health plan to see a psychologist to help with your issues. I endorse the recommendation not to turn to alcohol.

Can you sit down with your husband, explain your feelings and see if he is open to relationship counselling?

I wish you all the best with your situation and again hope you also find support on this forum.

Take care.