Relationship issue

[Trish2]

Hey there. I'm currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of 6 months where at times I feel really happy about it, but other times I feel quite anxious about where it could be heading. This is also my first ever relationship and I'm 20. I feel really happy knowing I'm with this person. I would like to think our bond between one another is actually really great and strong in many areas. We have mutual trust and she's there for me quite a lot. The problem however is that I feel as if I'm the one putting in all the effort. I always find myself being the first to ask when we should hang out, I deliberately put off asking sometimes to see how long it'll last before she says anything and I find that I'm still asking first (the longest I've put it off is almost 2 weeks), I seem to want much more affection and sex than she does and I find myself being the one who's messaging more generally speaking. It confuses me because I can tell she genuinely enjoys my company but I just feel like it isn't really fulfilling for me to have to always be the one to initiate affection and make the effort to see her. I have spoken with her about this before but I don't know if I can ever really communicate to her that I need a bit more from her without overwhelming her or putting pressure on her. I wish this was something I wasn't so bothered by but it has made me feel really lonely and upset considering I don't want to overwhelm her with my feelings towards everything here. She's not the kind to be uncomfortable with what I tell her and always welcomes what I say to her but I just really worry that it'll be too much for her to handle. I've always been honest with her but I still don't see any change and I have considered that she has a busy schedule, but there was a lot more effort being made for me when we were dating for the first month without anything changing for her so I don't know... I'd like to think she takes our relationship seriously but I feel as though I'm not much of a priority anymore. I'm just not sure and would love any advice I can get. Thanks so much for hearing me out.

[Croix]

Dear Trish_@~

The first relationship one has is special, and it is also the one with the least experience and probably most self doubt. I still remember mine vividly although in the end it petered out.

If you think about a good long term relationship there is a balance, no one person does the heavy lifting and makes all the effort, and both share love, a desire to be with the other, enjoy their company and want to cherish them and ensure life is as smooth for them as possible.

Now if you leave aside that first 'honeymoon' month it does seem as if you are the one initiating contact, and when together you both seem to enjoy each others company, but that does not result in her wanting to see you again straight away. Similarly with affection and intimacy it appears she is responding but not initiating.

Under such circumstances one normally talks the matter over and an understanding of each other's problems is reached, with more care given by both parties for their welfare. OK, you have talked, but not much has changed.

For her to go 2 weeks without contact, and then you being the one to bring it up seems on the surface that you might be being taken for granted -is that your impression?

It is important, in fact vital, for two people to be compatible, have care for each other, and while not being the same, takes steps to ensure the happiness of the other.

Can I suggest you step back and consider the relationship you are in and if it is what you want and need long-term?

I'd also like to ask if you have anyone to give you support, a family member or friend you can talk things over with frankly and who cares. Trying to go on by yourself in isolation makes it harder.

I'm afraid this has not been the most encouraging of replies, however I'm looking in from outside and maybe not seeing everything. I would like it if you came back and talked more

Croix

[Trish2]

Hi Croix,

sorry haha I probably should clarify a couple things to hopefully make a bit more sense.

It does feel a bit like our personalities are different if we're talking about affection and planning. I've noticed this a couple of months ago. I think a lot of how I feel about this has a lot to do with my current social situation. I've always been familiar with having a group of people I can be around all the time with uni and I've recently finished uni and started working and no longer having these friends around anywhere near as often so maybe I'm sort of in a way hoping to get as much as I can from my relationship.

I've always tried to bare in mind that she has a schedule busier than mine and there's only so much time we can have together before it gets to an unrealistic level for us both, but I think I just have feelings that I want to see her ideally once or twice a week. It's hard to get in touch with my current friends so that could be a reason why I'm asking to hang out more frequently? Even still, the fact that it's been almost never since she's asked has me concerned for that reason I think. She also doesn't seem to be the kind of person to want to take advantage of the relationship so it leaves me a bit unsure.

I think also, the way I talked to her about this before it wasn't really as serious as it should have been in my opinion so maybe she didn't take it as seriously because of that? I also get anxious when I talk to someone seriously when it regards my needs so I'm wondering would it be worth having a more serious conversation about it and trying to overcome that anxiety?

[Croix]

Dear Trish_@~

I can understand leaving uni and being in a new work environment will have changed a balance in your life, with what was normal and frequent interaction now a rare thing. I'm not sure however that you are 'overcompensating ' by trying to get more out of your relationship.

This is because I would think that wanting to be with your girlfriend twice a week is very much a minimum, I personally am the type of person that would want a lot more contact than that.

Perhaps, as you say, you did not lay things out clearly. Your anxiety may have clouded things. And I suppose if you try exactly the same face to face way again anxiety might cloud that too.

May I suggest you take a few days and write a letter? Yes, old-fashioned, but it does give you the chance to say everything without forgetting anything, and to say it in the way you want without being rushed.

What do you think?

Croix

[Trish2]

Hi Croix,

I think that's a good idea and I'm definitely going to give the note a shot. It seems like the best way to organise my thoughts better and to make sure also that I cover everything that I need to. I'll be sure to leave a bit of time to think things through properly and let her know when I feel ready.

Thank you so much for your help and hopefully we can come to some sort of agreement at the very least after it but we'll see how it goes.

[Croix]

Dear Trish_@~

While I've no idea of the outcome sometimes the written word can have a powerful effect, especially if one is given time to reflect after having received it.

I share you hope you can come to some sort of agreement.

Croix

[Trish2]

Hey again. Just thought I'd post a bit of an update with this because I don't believe things have gotten better at all. If anything I feel like it's getting worse.

Once I had the time to write everything down and have a clear idea of what needed to be said, we all went into lockdown and I was so close to being able to tell her in person but missed that chance. Ever since, I've found that she's not talking to me anymore unless I bring something up first. It never seems forced or anything but it's still a lot for me to be the only one doing anything for the relationship anymore. I can't bring myself to text the issue because it just feels too ineffective and I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

I know I can be an over thinker but it's near impossible for me to know when I'm doing that. With the lockdown still in place, it's made me think that the situation is really bad but I wouldn't know if it really is that bad or if a lot of it is from me jumping to conclusions. Normally I would feel like communicating on this much more with her but I really wanted to see this time if I was ever a big enough priority for her to at least talk to me once on messenger or something. What makes this even harder for me is that everything seems genuinely fine in person! it's so confusing.

I used to FaceTime her very casually (after having asked for it) and I would ask how she's dealing and she never said anything that suggested that she's doing worse than before. I've tried to reach out but because I've gotten almost nothing, I have no closure on whether or not she's not speaking to anyone, or if it's just me, or if there's some other random reason that I wouldn't know. It's getting to a point where I really just want to say everything because it's not good I keep this to myself but at the same time, if I ask to meet I'm worried about it potentially being for nothing since we're in lockdown and there isn't particularly anything that can be done until it's over, which could be god knows when.

I'm scared to bring it up as well because I'm anxious about her reaction considering the times we're in. I don't want us to break up because I can't afford to be in that position now but at the same time I know it's too important to ignore.

I genuinely have no idea on what to do from here

[Croix]

Dear Trish_@~

I'm sorry thngs have ended up as htey have. I'm afraid I am going to be blunt. I have no passport to wisdom, but from the outside thngs appear clear.

First what has lock down got to do with it? When I was unable to be with my wife for 9 months (this was years ago) we would spend hours on the telephone -every night. It was pleasure, comfort, closeness and humor for us both.

You have many different modes of communication now, from texting to Zoom- plus snail mail. More importantly so does she. Therefore if you are not receiving a lot of messages I would personally take that to mean a lack of interest - or care for your needs too.

By now you will have made it quite clear you need closeness, even if it is only words, but she makes not attempt to meet your need.

Sorry about the above , I think the situation is at best indifference or not valuing you and at the worst cruel

I guess closure in the end comes from ourselves, not others.

Croix

[Guest_3256]

Hi Trish_@~

You need to build the courage and strength to tell you partner how you feel through a reliable means of communication. You're only feeling this because of their inappropriate behaviour and you don't need to be treated with disrespect. Your partner should be doing the opposite and making you feel everything but what your now. It is their job to make you lift you up but it is yours to not let yourself be walked over. It's not a healthy relationship when one of you are trying to develop a health and loving relationship when the other isn't meeting your needs. It's a horrible feeling but there are some things you can do to take care of yourself. Beyond Blue have a fantastic counseling service who are happy to hear your situation. Also, sometimes, when our partners behave irresponsibly, they need to understand that we don't need to take responsibility for the behavior. It could be time to give them a taste of their own medicine - minimal contact. While you are doing this focus on you and do things that you enjoy and that make you happy. Get the support that you feel may benefit your physical and mental health - make yourself the best person you can be so when your partner does start wondering and missing you, they will make contact, you'll be better and ready to work through your relationship and make it grow the way you want it too. They are comprehensive but rewarding.

Enjoy yourself.

🙂