Estrangement from daughter
May 2019 my daughter started seeing a girl she met from the Internet and within 8 weeks her behaviour changed. She would stay in her room, would go out & be gone for 4 days only to come home and sleep like she hasn’t slept in years. She became moody, aggressive and even disrespectful. I told her her behaviour was unacceptable so she moved out and in with the girlfriend.
Things progressively got worse. She was 3hrs late to the family Christmas dinner and I get a call from her saying she is an hour away but if I wanted to see her for Christmas I needed to transfer her $20 for petrol so she could get here, which I did. She sauntered in with no apology or explanation, ate her Christmas lunch that we had already eaten 3hrs earlier, received her gifts then left. None of the family even got so much as a Christmas card from her which is sooo not like her.
In 2017 I financed a 2015 Honda Jazz in my name that she would pay off at $70 a week- this was discussed and terms agreed between us both prior to purchase. For 2yrs she paid her repayments religiously and without reminder, she was quite the little budgeter. All of a sudden repayments stopped and she ghosted me. She wouldn’t respond to text, calls or email.
The same thing happened the following month and still she ghosted me. I also noticed her personal belongings being listed on buy, swap, sell on Facebook. I received a text back saying “do what you like but it will just be chalked up to a civil matter”. I woke up to a text 3 days later saying the keys were in my letter box. The car had been returned under a cloud of darkness. When I saw the car my heart sank - it was trashed and anything of value missing. The new tyres fitted to her car some 4mths prior had been replaced with old thread bare tyres, the $1000 dash cam was missing, every panel had damage.This car WAS my daughters pride and joy and was in perfect condition when she left. After this I listed my daughter as a missing person.
Well this is the broad strokes, it’s now been 6mths since I have seen my daughter or spoken to her. I don’t know where she is living, if she is ok and have been left a shell of a woman from the experience. Mother’s Day was gut wrenching when my mother received an email allegedly from her wishing her a happy Mother’s Day yet I heard nothing.
What do I do and how the hell do I get through this?
There is no doubt, judging from your account of events, that you have done all you can under the circumstances. She is obviously harbouring resentment for some reason. So I can only speculate on those reasons and to do so a few questions I have that might seem harsh, but not intended to be, has to be asked-
- Have you had any conversations with her about her girlfriend?
- Is a gay relationship a problem at all for you or any family member?
- have you met her girlfriend and if so what are your thoughts?
The Xmas episode raises concerns for me in that during a time when she has acted strangely and disrespectful, it is not a time to have expectations of her. She was obviously broke, so how could she purchase Xmas cards? I think it is likely she had/has some depression issues
- She will definitely need time to sort herself out
- her no contact on Mother’s Day is s clear sign of high resentment towards you. Can you speculate why?
- she is an adult so you can’t rush her at all or she might well stay away longer
- is there a relative that can contact her that might be successful in some soft and caring communication? This could provide answers that you can work on
- Forget about the car- that is the least of your problems. Fuming over that could ruin any future chance for mending your relationship
When she returns to your life (and children usually do) there can only be care and love expressed in a soft loving manner. No mentioning of Xmas debacle, the car, disrespect etc...all ears and words only of care.
I know your pain, I’m estranged from my youngest daughter. It doesn’t mean we are at fault
Reply when you feel comfortable
My parents have always been very close with her and my mother was diagnosed with reoccurring melanoma earlier this year. Between her age (84) and the advanced stage the prognosis is not good. My daughter is aware of her condition but hasn’t even bothered to see her which has shocked all of us.
Her father was the only family member who reacted badly to her coming out. He told her if she was a male child she would have beaten her senseless and thrown her belongings out into the street and disowned her. Now she has joined him and acting as if he is father of the year despite the fact he has rejected her most of her life leaving me to pick up the destroyed pieces.
i think this is why I feel so betrayed, hurt and angry. I’ve sacrificed so much to try and make up for her fathers lack of interest.
its so hard not to feel angry
It seems clear you have done all you can in the circumstances. Her fathers spite is unfortunate as my ex wife’s is. But bad blood only needs one person.
As hard as it is your hands are tied but usually the narcissistic new partner will test your daughter out so someday she might be on the receiving end.
I hope you feel better after chatting. Unfortunately life can throw situations at us that we have no control of.
Extend your interests, keep real friends close and live as happily as you can.
Thanks Tony, I appreciate you’re insight. There is so much more to this story that limited posts won’t allow but you got the general gist of the situation. I also forgot to mention that her partner is also an ex ice user. How the hell my daughter ended up with her is beyond me.
I’m concerned that by the time she wakes up to what this girl is like if she Will have nothing and possibly an addiction to deal with. Very worrying times my friend.