Struggling with life

[Littlebluebird]

Hi, I am new here so I apologise if I am posting this on the wrong place lol.
I am struggling so much right now. My whole life has changed since the restrictions came in for corona virus. I am a mum and a wife and after years of putting myself last I was finally studying full time, volunteering and finding myself in life. In the blink of an eye, everything has changed. Now I could probably handle the changes if my marriage was strong, but we have recently decided to seperate. We are still living in the same house though, and the trauma this is causing with not being able to have space from him is breaking me. He won’t give me space, everywhere I go he is there in the house, sitting and staring depressed. I know he is hurting too, but not giving each other the space is damaging us both severely. I am waking up every morning just dreading another day of the same and I cannot see an end in sight. I constantly feel sick in the stomach. I have always been the type who hates to be cooped up, and I am very soft natured and do not handle conflict well. I just feel so trapped. I need this to change. I know it will not be like this forever, but I’m worried I’m not going to come out of this without some severe emotional damage.
my dad only passed away a few months ago also, and I’ve been supporting my mum through this time. I feel like I still have emotions of my own locked away that I refused to let out, because I needed to be strong for everyone else. I have kept myself busy with life and study for so long as a coping mechanism, but now that there is nothing left to busy myself with, it is all crashing down on me and I feel like I’m crumbling more and more each day.
I don’t know how I am going to continue on for this next indefinite timeframe until I can begin to rebuild my life.

[Jess-C]

Little bluebird, what a beautiful and honest post and in some ways is exactly how I am feeling and the point at which I am at.

before covid my husband and I were talking separation and although not fully decided that was okay as I was out all day at work and we both had active but separate social lives. Now we are locked up 24/7 together. He wants my support as he is feeling it but I am unable to give it as my anxiety is riddling every part of me. It’s utter loneliness but with someone else here. I feel so trapped, like I am suffocating and have in the last few days stopped talking to anyone and everyone. The no end day to this torture just seems to fuel it worse.

please take care of yourself and know there is another in the same boat as you and is thinking of you

Jess

[Littlebluebird]

Oh Jess, it’s horrible isn’t it 😞 it’s funny how we busy ourselves for so long trying to ignore what we are truely feeling, but it always comes back in the end. We have been circling around for almost 2 years now, trying to hold it together but it just crumbles more every time. I feel dreadful for hurting him by telling him how I feel, but the alternative was to continue to suffer myself. I still feel so suffocated right now, but I keep trying to tell myself that there will be an end to it eventually.

[Jess-C]

Mine has been going on for around 3 years, a lovely man but too many issues which just go round and round in circles.

The hardest thing is that I am beginning to think he thinks this isolation will help us resolve things whereas I think it is the best thing for me because it has shown the cracks so blatantly and openly so much so he is now in the spare room permanently and we spend more time communicating by text message. I shouldn’t laugh but it sounds so ridiculous!

I am just hoping we get out of this as still friends. I admit I am avoiding any triggering conversations as I am frightened that it will become v uncomfortable and frankly this is not a great time to look for somewhere to live.

im taking the time to do positive things (this week, between intermittent crying) like sorting out my taxes, finances and other much neglected things but hopefully it will help and also gives me a small sense of achievement, also trying to get my anxiety under control in small ways.

after 25 years of marriage I had hoped we would hug it out and have a party, covid says no haha

take care of you, in my thoughts x

[Shyone]

Hi,
You both sound like you are going through something similar to me, and sadly it is comforting to me knowing I am not the only one. I have been married for 2/3s of my life to a man I love very much but for the last 3 weeks he has been living in a camper in the back yard and tells me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore as he says we have drifted apart. We have 2 boys - the eldest 13. I am not able to go to work as I cannot function. I have done the wrong thing and suffocated him with I love you and miss you messages as i am so afraid to lose him

[Shyone]

I didn't finish before it posted. It is so hard seeing him everyday. I feel like I need to move out on my own but I don't know what to do. We have a mortgage so alot of things are in joint names. I would leave the boys with him as I am no good to anyone at the moment. I do not like confrontations so I would just like to disappear, it would make everyone hate me,which is something else I wouldn't be able to cope with as I am the type of person that puts every happiness before mine. I am so confused and lost.

[Littlebluebird]

I feel like I could have wrote that myself! My husband is also such a lovely man but he just has so much going on due to his past and his upbringing and it consumes him. I have tried to be supportive to him for the 13 years we have been together, but I feel like I have hit a point that it is all wearing me down, and my mental health is suffering severely. I found myself being resentful toward him due to this, and he didn’t deserve this. I know I have hurt him badly by separating with him, and he is struggling so much, but I feel we both honestly need this to move forward with our lives. The sad thing is, i don’t know if he will move forward or just stay in the same negative mindset he is in. But I have to do this for me because I can’t go on like that anymore. I’m only 32 and I have so much life ahead of me. I want to enjoy it, and I want to be a good mum to my kids.

[Littlebluebird]

Shyone I am so sorry to hear this. Thankyou for reaching out onto my post. I think if we find people to talk to about how we’re feeling, and they are in similar circumstances, it really helps. Makes you feel as though you’re not so alone in this. I am trying to take a good with the flow’ approach with my separation at the moment. I’m not forcing anything, and just letting things happen as they should. Which is working, as things are naturally progressing. It’s the only thing to get me through each day at the moment, just taking deep breaths and telling myself that whatever’s going to happen will happen and I just gotta go through the motions of it.

[Littlebluebird]

Sorry that should have said ‘go with the flow’ I really should proof read before I hit reply lol

[Jess-C]

Hi Shyone

i hope today is a little brighter for you!

i am not sure it helps but I am probably more like your husband in many ways in that I was the one that has forced the physical separation (different bedrooms) in the same way he has gone to the camper. I don’t know his reasons but I can share mine.....

I needed the physical space desperately, I had indicated I was not happy over a number of years, some subtle, some blatant statements, we talked, promises were made but never enacted. For me it got that being in close proximity I felt was giving mixed messages which I thought was not healthy. Does that mean it is over? I believe so but he doesn’t and that is hard especially like you when you see each other every day. I like to believe the best in people and it doesn’t sound like he is trying to deliberately hurt you but clearly his actions are. I’m not sure if he is a talker or whether you have had a chance to sit and talk yet but maybe having some clear questions and doing that might help. You might still get ambiguity, especially if he is not sure of his own feelings (I know this well!) but you will also learn something in that.

it must seem like you don’t have choices at the moment and makes you so sad. It’s true you may not have a choice as to whether your marriage persists but please believe in yourself and that you still have many choices in your life and what you can do.

please stay strong, this despair will pass and there will be brighter moments in each and every day. Let it happen if you can as bluebird said, take your time and let it evolve, however hard that might seem.

jess