Another Lonely, Lonely Day !

[Larli]

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted for a long time but today is my daughter's 40th birthday and she is my 1st born. She hasn't spoken to me in 10 years and it is a terrible pain that I carry. She has married in that time and she now has a little girl who is soon to be 4 years old. I do not know my granddaughter's name or date of birth and it is killing me. Everyone in my family knows those details and will not tell me which I think is very cruel. I was a very good mother and my daughter and her brother were my life. They are the reason I got out of bed everyday and now, I still get out of bed but I don't have a reason to any more. I just wish the pain would go away. I know that things will never, ever be the same again, so what is the point of continuing? I feel that I have wasted what could have been a good life because I am now old and it is now too late for me.

[white knight]

Hi Larli, welcome

It is very sad, but more common than we realise.

Of course there must have been issues between you and your daughter than made it come to this. My 27yo daughter and I are estranged and in the end I severed our relationship due to emotional abuse- that her mother was a master at. My eldest daughter 30yo split from her mother at 18yo and has never had the desire to reconnect.

So there are some people that, once they split there is no turning back although my youngest and I had numerous meetings over a 14 years period before I called it a day- the hardest thing I've had to do to preserve my mental health.

What is the answer? I have to say- it is distraction and variety. It wont heal the scars but it will lessen the impact on your life. Fully filling your life with activities distracts you from thinking about what you dont have. Variety adds different focus on things around you. Eg we go caravaning in a van I built. Even if we go 2 hours away to the Murray river, we are doing something that distracts us.

As for your family not relaying information, from your angle it is cruel, from theirs it is being loyal to what your daughter has asked. They choose not to be the meat in the sandwich which is fair to not expect them to be.

The only question I have is- have you tried to make amends? written letters etc. Are you willing to explain the circumstances of your split? And can you accept if others here have views that might not always be sympathetic to your position?

I wish you well

TonyWK

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello Larli,

I acknowledge this can be very distressing for you as you are having issues with your own daughter. However I personally, isnt affected by people much now. I am just 26yo man, but I had a lot of strained relationships too. After all this experience, people are the last things which can bother me.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS WHICH ARE BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER THINKS IS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL.

MOREOVER YOU NEED NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE PAST. I am sure you must have tried hard to make some amends. However if you have done that several times, and still not getting a positive response, I believe continuing that is FUTILE, and will bring you more anxiety and depression.

I would advise you to talk with your friends, or join some interest clubs etc. to release the feelings of loneliness.

[Larli]

Hi Tony and thank you for your response. It is nice that someone has taken the time to read my post. Tony, in all honesty I do not know why I have been 'ghosted' so to speak. I was the only constant in my 2 kids lives and I literally raised them single handedly. Sure I disciplined them and they have turned out to be really decent humans, except to me. With regard to friends and family not telling me any information about my granddaughter is because they do not want to upset me. They also do not have contact with my daughter or son who have gone to ground on everyone except my ex husband who is not a very nice person but that is another story. Also, I have tried to make amends for what I don't know. If they could tell me what I am supposed to have done that is so wrong, then I would understand but I live with a huge (?) question mark everyday. They really only ever wanted money from me and I obliged, so I think I have made a rod for my own back and spoiled them too much. You see, I came from abject poverty and a home of violence fuelled with alcohol, so therefore I tried so hard and my kids actually asked their father once why I tried so hard, which is a very strange thing for kids to ask. Usually it is why aren't you trying hard enough. I don't know what else to add except that I live in absolute despair every day and I hate it, I really do. One final thing, my kids did love me once so I am not too sure why they have turned on me so completely.

[Larli]

Hi w_a, thank you for reaching out to me. Unfortunately I have always been a people pleaser and allowed many to walk over me but none more so than my 2 children who are now nearly middle age adults. I am a lot mentally stronger than I used to be but once you become a mother you are never really the same every again. I would die in a heartbeat if it meant my children could live and I include my little granddaughter in that also. I wasn't perfect but I was a good Mum and I still am I would be a wonderful grandmother. Even though I haven't met my little granddaughter, my heart swells with love and pride. I have put together a memory box for her in which I have included a substantial document of all important dates, times, memories and health information that I have been the keeper of because my ex husband would not have a clue. I have also included things that I have made for her and hopefully one day I will be able to give it to her and if not, I hope that someone else will. Knowing she lives is the only thing that gives me peace now. You are also very right in saying that what anyone thinks of me is really nothing to do with me and beyond my control. Once again, thank you for your kind response.

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello LArli!

So How are you doing!?? How is life going on!?

[Larli]

Hello wannabe_alpha, I must say a very sincere thank you for even bothering to see how I am going and I truly do appreciate that very much. I am actually doing very well. Life always goes on no matter what ! After posting regarding my daughter turning 40 years of age and feeling so very lonely and isolated, I took stock and realised that my life isn't over. As with everyone at present, life is in limbo with the virus pandemic that is affecting the whole world. I am grateful for how lucky I have really been in my 68 years and I know that my 2 children are travelling well and that is all I need to keep going and that also includes my little granddaughter. Thank you for taking the time because not too many do. Take care.

[wannabe_alpha]

Thats nice to know!!!

Life gets better soon... Unfortunately life has become boring for all due to this pandemic. Hope normalcy will restore soon. Australia is doing pretty well in controlling the spread of the pandemic. I think we should be able to lead normal lives soon!