sorry to lean on others, but I need some advice

[Skywatcher]

Hi all,

I'm sorry, but thankful you are here. I am going through the biggest challenge of my life. I'm 43 and married 8 years (late starter) to someone who I cherish. . although in typical bloke fashion not all that great at showing it. We have no children. During our marriage I've had no end of work related stress and stress relating to a sibling who suffered DV big time. Drug's ain't my scene, I drink socially and there has been no infidelity, but our marriage is pretty broken, at least that is what she tells me as we have drifted apart to the point she doesn't know who she is, what she wants etc. I am an optimist and believe you take the good with the bad because both come and go, that to me is what love and commitment is. She is however in a state of complete negativity about literally anything and everything. The important part of all of this is as rubbish as I am at showing it, she is the centre of my world. I express this in my own ways which I don't believe she sees. . . communications issues on both sides.

My wife ran away from home when she was a teenager for a period of time, she has also had to use anti-depressants from time to time.

This is a desperate time for us as couple, our survival as a couple hangs precariously in the balance and I fear and feel it is slipping away.

She has agreed to see a counsellor sometime soon which is great.

My question is, given she can barely speak to me or be in the same room as me as she is so confused and upset, I would like to ask her to also see her GP, I am worried this might seem like me saying its all her fault and she needs to get some medication. The other thing I would like to do is . . . . I would like to alert her parents to her suffering/predicament. They currently know nothing, they dealt with her running away as a child and I would appreciate their involvement, however by contacting them it feels like I am going around her and somehow betraying her or ganging up on her etc.

I would appreciate any observations, guidance, ideas, experiences etc.

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi,

Sounds like your going through a tough time. Wish I could help more but I myself am new here. One observation is that you say "She has agreed to see a counsellor sometime soon which is great."

I see that as a very positive sign. I have personally been to marriage counseling and found it extremely helpful. The counselor brings neutrality.

IF

[blondguy]

Hi Skywatcher

Welcome Sky.....please dont apologise for leaning on us. We are happy that you have 🙂

It is a painful place to be when our relationship 'hangs in the balance'....This is an extremely difficult period to be going through as I remember going through it myself Sky.

To answer your question.....Its really good that your wife has agreed with seeing a counselor...excellent

Your wife is angry as per what you have written Sky and you are doing everything you can to keep everything together and that takes courage.

* Having your wife see a GP......good move....Have you offered to say that you will come with her so 'you can benefit from the visit as well'? This will stop you being blamed for bringing up the subject.....so the focus is brought back onto you as well as your wife.

* you are an optimist Sky...we hear you......no worries at all

* letting your wife's parents know about difficulties is fine if all other avenues are exhausted....

The Beyond Blue forums are a Judgement Free Zone Skye.....there is no judgement here...just many kind people who have been through similar pain that are here for you

Its a hard call to make whether or not you should have a chat to her parents Sky. I think its a great idea if there is any substance abuse or issues that can effect their daughter. If you did have a chat to her parents you would have everything to gain and nothing to lose. That will come at a price as you mentioned.

If you can clarify the effect of drugs/substance abuse that you mentioned we would be able to assist you more effectively

I hope you can get back to us Sky

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hello Skywatcher, isn't it a shame that when two people marry, over time they grow apart, but this may not end the love between the two of you, it's just that you can't live together.
Negative thoughts are just proof that she has depression, although I'm not qualified to say, but if she was my sister that's exactly what I would be saying to her, whether or not she accepts this is up for question.
If she has agreed to see a counsellor then you could tell her that she will need to get a referral from her doctor, hopefully that can solve the problem you have said, and please don't worry if she refuses to see her doctor, because there will come a time when she will wake up and realise that this needs to happen.
I say this because someone suffering from depression doesn't like to told what they should be doing, although this doesn't happen all the time, it just takes them a little while to realise.
With regards in notifying her parents I would be curious as to whether their names have come up in any previous conversations before, or whether she has made any comments about them, because if nothing has been said then she may resent the thought of you contacting them, which could mean that she closes up even more, and then this will delay her making contact with her doctor or counsellor. Geoff.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hello Skywatcher,

From a female perspective, I can think of many ways to approach both seeing a GP and talking to her parents. However, at this time, I would advise you to do neither. If you did, it could go either way, she could agree or she could feel you are interfering & get upset or angr and resentful. So, as she has agreed to counselling, I would make those arrangements ASAP.

Her feelings and 'plans' will likely become clear in the first session, then you will know how she is thinking. Depending on this, you will know what to do going forward. If you believe a dr will help, perhaps you could suggest it during the session. Likewise, her parents involvement. The counselling session is a neutral ground, so she may be more receptive to you suggesting these steps during the session. You will have to play it by ear, depending on what 'comes out'. I would say to be prepared for a shock. It is possible that there is more to it than you realise. Or it just may be the communication problems, growing apart etc. have gotten her down.

in your post you said a sibling suffered DV. I'm pretty good with acronyms, but can't work this one out..drug ?? or ?? It is early in am, so it might come to me when eyes open.

If she is depressed, it is possible that suggesting a GP, her parents involvement as well as counselling all at once could overwhelm her. She has agreed to counselling, so getting to a relationship counsellor is the first step, and the sooner you get there the better. I hope you can both be honest there, and then you will know for sure what the best plan of action will be.

Good Luck

Lee!

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Doh, eyes are open now. DV. I should know what it is. I think the drugs ain't my scene straight threw me off. I'm sorry about your sibling, and hope this situation has now resolved. You sound like a good catch to me, being so supportive, and caring enough to post in BB.

Anyhow, as is often quoted here, Baby steps are usually the best way forward.

Lee