Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

[Elizabeth CP]

As discussed on other threads I have been struggling with anxiety,  depression & exhaustion while caring for my husband who is blind & has a chronic illness which has led to frequent episodes of illness. In desperation I rang for help last week & arranged for a carer to assist so I could go away for a couple of days on a family camp over Easter. Unfortunately I developed a stomach bug so haven't been well since coming home on Sunday so fatigue is still a major problem. My husband has gone away for 5 nights with MDA & I promised I would try to rest & recover while he is away.

Today my son rang to say they had to move out of their house on Friday & have nowhere to live so can they stay with us. We downsized a few years ago due to my husband's condition so there is little room for 2 adults & a 2yr old & 11mth old. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. If I say no they have nowhere to live so I'm a terrible parent. My son also has a history of depression & has only recently started work again after a long period of being too unwell to work & being suicidal. If I agree to have them I can't rely on them to stick to any agreements. DIL is good at promising but never follows through. I find her very stressful. She yells at her son frequently which I find upsetting. They are both very messy & I would find it hard to prepare meals due to her mess. Having them here will also make it impossible to keep the house in a suitable state to ensure my husband's safety given his blindness.  Tiredness tends to lead to my husband becoming ill putting extra pressure on me. I don't know what to do.  

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

My kids are 10, 6 and 3. On some days trying to get them ready to leave the house is like trying to herd cats. I have to ask my 10 year old over and over to turn off his bedroom light and put his shoes on for example. After asking nicely a dozen times there are days where hubby and I end up raising our voices and giving him the countdown of 1, 2, 3... so I can understand parent frustration. However.......I went back and re-read your earlier post. Your grandkids are only 2 and 11 months old!

I am not a big advocate people telling others how to raise their kids but what we are talking about here is her behaviour in your home. I would strongly suggest having a conversation tonight with both of them after the kids are in bed. Explain that while they are in your home screaming is completely unacceptable at your husband or the babies. Tell them it has you so upset that you have eaten breakfast in your room and that you realise you should have to do that in your own home. I would say that the screaming has to cease immediately. I would then ask if they have worked out another short term alternative to stay at while they look for their ideal home.

Noone should have to put up with that and my personal opinion is that any child under the age of 5 needs discipline yes but in the form of love. An example might be that my 3 year old wants an easter egg for lunch. I don't give in, I don't shout. I get down to his level and I reinforce his feelings so he knows I understand by saying "you want an easter egg. You want an easter egg", then he nods, then I say "but you can't have it. We eat sandwiches for lunch". I may have to say this a few times. Then I have to acknowledge his feelings, "you feel angry with Mum" or "you feel frustrated", again a nod or temper tantrum so then I hug him and say I know you feel angry but you can have the egg another day. It doesn't always work but a lot of the time it does. Adding a distraction at the end helps, "let's go and see what you can have on your sandwich, cheese or vegemite?"

You and your husband have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. I would say no more screaming and if they don't like it, they are free to leave earlier. If the shouting continues then they will have no choice but to leave.

I do hope they leave soon Elizabeth. I don't understand how some people can be so rude and intrusive in someone elses home.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry for the confusion. She screams at her husband ie my son not my husband. I find it difficult seeing the negative impact she has had on my son. She brags about how she can make him do what she wants. At Easter she told everyone in the extended family that my son NEVER helps her. This statement was made repeated times yet she was constantly yelling at him to change nappies cook look after kids etc while she did nothing.

Prior to her staying here I avoid her as much as possible although I feel I need to invite them to family events so it doesn't look like I'm avoiding them. This is because it is too distressing seeing her behaviour & being unable to do anything. She will not listen to advice & gets very upset if you try.

I have 7 other young grandchildren from 5yrs to 6 mths to my other children. They are all very active loud normal children & this DILs children are no different in behaviour but the type of discipline is very different. I agree with your type of discipline Carol where the kids learn limits but in a loving way. The other thing all my other grandkids regularly go to the park or similar to burn off energy. 2 year olds need to be running, exploring not sitting quietly. My DIL is not sick or disabled so she could do a lot more with her children.

I don't know what will happen next week when they have to leave as they seem to be no closer to finding anything.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm glad it wasn't your hubby!

I hope things go ok next week. I am really worried for you as the whole situation must be stressful and awkward to say the least.

Wishing you much strength during this.

Carol xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Things reached a crisis point today. My DIL found out they didn't get any of the houses they applied for so she was very upset. My son had the day off & I showed him a website re organisation to help people who are in danger of homelessness I suggested we visit without my DIL (she was having a complete meltdown). They have an appointment for next week to see what help they need. By going with my son I was able to explain why they couldn't stay longer with us. I am looking forward to peace.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am glad that it won't be long before you get your home back.

I hope that this whole experience doesn't make things too awkward with your son going forward.

Thinking of you,

Carol

[Guest_5218]

Hi Elizabeth, thats disappointing that they did not get any of the places they applied for. And obviously upsetting for the DIL, and no doubt your son as well.

But at least the homelessness organisation option sounds promising, and you did the right thing by going along with your son. Both to show support to your son, as well as to explain the issues of why they cannot stay with you any longer than absolutely necessary. So I have my fingers crossed that something works out there for them.

Peace has been a luxury for you lately, so it will be nice when you finally get some back again in your life.

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

I am really hoping that something works out next week. I am feeling exhausted & very uptight due to the high stress levels. A few other things have gone wrong including my phone playing up so I can't use it. My older son tried to fix it but it didn't work. The lock on my back door jammed so we couldn't close the door for a day & a half until my son managed to force the lock off the door. I don't know how he did it because I tried & then he tried for a couple of hours on Thursday night before giving up. It jammed half way so it couldn't be taken off the way it is supposed to. Once it was removed we were able to buy a new lock & my son fitted it for me so I can lock the door again. Then last night my computer wouldn't work. Even though each thing is minor the combination has been very stressful.

[Guest_5218]

I'm hoping too Elizabeth, for you and your hubby's sake. As well as your poor Son and little grandkids of course. Such a difficult position for you to be in.

Yes it is often the little things that finally get to us the most during times of stress. We 'man up' for the big stuff, but often the accumulation of many little things just builds up and becomes overwhelming in the end.

Try to stay as calm and relaxed as possible, there's not much longer to go now. All will be well. ( - :

Hugs to you Elizabeth.

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Sherie for your support & encouragement

[Elizabeth CP]

Good news, My son & DIL are moving out on Thursday as they have a house to rent.