So very very lonely

[Skary Bill]

Like most people here, I've got a bunch of things going on.. Self improvement. Managing anxiety, financial and physical limitations. But I have a problem that has been steadily forcing it's way to the top of the list. It's having a profound effect on everything else and I'm at risk of getting quite stuck on it.

Quite simply, I have no friends. Family is scattered far and wide and.. well.. Family, as in there is love there. But not mateship. I've been quite active online since I began suffering agoraphobia. But online friendships are often fleeting and lack depth. And recent changes in my accommodation options force me to move back to the bush where I don't even have a phone signal let alone internet.

While I'm a reasonably sociable person who is community spirited. I've never been particularly needy, and so I guess for a while I was happy doing my own thing. But some months ago now, I stood in my shed.. Looked at something I just made, realised I had nobody to share it with and suddenly understood just how very lonely I actually am. Since then, I've been looking. I've been challenging my agoraphobia to get out there and meet people. I've been going along to men's sheds and doing some volunteering. I've been looking around online for people near me with similar interests. And folks, I've struck out completely. Everyone I've encountered has either had a good couple of decades on me and deep into retirement. Or they are younger and wilder, and the ones around my age (early 40's) are for the most part busy with families.

So it seems I've become quite the outsider. And when I go back to the bush. I can go weeks without seeing another human. It's devastating and I can't see the way out from here. I'm thinking about saving up to buy a motorcycle that is suited to touring, locking the remnants of my life in a shipping container and hitting the road. But even then, I'm writing cheques my anxiety probably can't cash lol.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm staying with a relative for the weekend. Enjoying the internet. I guess I'm sharing because I just need to talk to someone. 🙂

Cheers,

Bill.

[hope4joy]

Hi Bill,

It's nice to pop in here again and say hello - also hello to everyone else on the thread.

How was the speaking tour? Has your behind recovered?! A while back I decided to go solo cycle touring for 6 months and in typical me fashion did no training and had hardly ridden a bicycle before, not more than 15kms. I choose the bicycle basically because it was cheap and I didn't have a car. And gosh were the first 3 days agony, especially from the seat! But then my body just kicked into gear and normalised it... and did I become super fit too... and super hungry all the time 🙂 So I'm thinking with more riding your body will adjust? I do like Dool's idea of cushioned insulating seat covers.

Anyhow I made a commitment to make more connections/ friendships at the same time as you started this post and just wanted to check in with what i've found so far. I've decided to join three groups and to make a commitment to them (eeek, run!) - an art group, a rock climbing group and a local fitness group where I can either volunteer or participate each week (I've done 50/50 so far). The first couple of time were easier because they were new, but the last week has made me think of piking. Each group was already established - so it'll take a while before I feel part of it and get to know the regulars.

I've been trying to meet some people to do things with - but I see now that doing things I enjoy each week and being with others is actually really good too - and who knows if some friendships outside of the group will form. I'm really enjoying the content of each group - and only the rock climbing has a fee - so they are financially within my means. I was wondering though, in your first post you mentioned that you want friends your own age and that a lot of the guys where you tinkered were retirees. which ruled them out. I've felt the same in the past but two of my groups have a lot of retirees - because retirees have the time and they are some of the friendliest people there. It made me wonder if you/me put rules around friendships that narrows down the field and lets some great opportunities go by. Just a thought! I guess a big reason for checking in here is that I've moved around a lot and had to start out meeting people from scratch many time - and now I don't want to simply repeat what I've done before but to be smarter about it and to try to challenge my unhelpful thoughts/ biases/ behaviours that get in the way. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Kind wishes, Hope

[Skary Bill]

Hello everyone. My how time flies, I can hardly believe it's been this long since my last post. My general news is that I've been at the bush block, getting a lot done and doing my best to pace myself and manage the physical demands. The last thing I want is to do myself an injury and have to slow the progress. I wont pretend everything has been smooth. I had a near new tire let go on me out on the highway and an assortment of minor calamities lol. Pushed my anxiety to the very limits. But on balance, I have a satisfying sense of achievement to counter the stress I'm under. I was supposed to be heading back out tomorrow, and the car is mostly packed. But they've forecast a 2 day heatwave and I can't see the value in going out to the bush to suffer. So I'm going to push the friendship here and stay another night or two in the city.

Dools: Hiya, thanks heaps for popping in to say hi. Aww.. No chainsaw, that's no fun 😛 Sure you have to be careful about it, but they are quite enjoyable, and you have to be doing something pretty silly to have a whoopsie. Boy am I envious about your cooler weather. Hey, quick thought. With your bushes and branches, I wonder if a pair of the big ratchet loppers (giant secateurs) Would do the trick. I have a 'Cyclone Bypass Ratchet Lopper' from Bunnings which can snip through 2" branches like you wouldn't believe.

I did get out for a ride with some people and it's been awesome. On Saturday I managed to catch up with some of them again for a quick run finishing with a nice coffee and a diet destroying choc muffin which I don't regret. They are a nice bunch, friendly and welcoming. They ride at a relaxed pace and the conversation has been effortless. Ultimately I will be a bit far away to see them very often, but they are part of a much larger social group and I've decided to join up for sure.

Your volunteering sounds really rewarding. It is a shame they don't have someone to tinker along with them.

Hope your cooler weather keeps up for a bit. 🙂

Bill.

[Skary Bill]

Hi there Hope19,

Nice to meet you too. I sure can relate to the clicky little rural community thing. You might think small communities would have a nice friendly vibe.. But sadly not often. Honestly, I'm almost ready to give up on my little town. But I won't stop looking for new friends. I might just have to go a little further afield.

What is the deal with friends after a split... When my ex and I parted ways.. (Very amicably) All of my friends just faded into the shadows. And I mean my friends.. The ones I had brought to the relationship in the first place. I challenged some and was told, "Oh we don't want to get involved"... Involved in what? There's no fight.. So yeah, sadly even when there are no sides to choose, people you thought were friends for whatever reason struggle to deal with the change.. A major bummer when you kinda need some friends at that very moment.

It's definitely easy to bury yourself in work. But if you could do something fun.. What would it be?

[Skary Bill]

Hi again Hope4joy,

Ok, resisting the urge to just say oh the speaking tour was great. Truth is, it was good. And I am glad I went.. But the costs of attending, both financial and emotional were quite high. It was a long way outside of my comfort zone, and it took a lot out of me. Interestingly, amongst the things the speaker covered was human's need for challenge and responsibility. Citing those as essential components of a meaningful life. And suggesting that one should seek meaning in one's life as a way to achieve happiness, rather than seeking happiness itself. So you can probably tell from my answer that I have a bit of recharging to do, but it got me thinking for sure. 🙂

You should see the seat I have on my bicycle lol. Full gel padded with extra big springs. And it still punishes me. I think I need to shed a few kg before I can get back into cycling. I have ordered a spring saddle for the little motorbike however, so I'm looking forward to trying that out.

Love the progress update on your connection building efforts! I mean fitness and people to share the journey with, that's all kinds of win. I sure hope you push through that awkward feeling like an outsider phase. With the folks I've found to ride with, I'm working hard on remembering names so I can greet people and hopefully fast track some sense of belonging in the group. Are you good with names? I struggle...

Honestly, I've got nothing against retirees at all. And I definitely won't allow someone's age to dissuade me from seeking friendship. I think the thing is that I'm just a big kid. I'm of the internet generation. Amongst other things, I like funny meme's, turbocharged cars and techno music. Now I can get onto the older generation's level and have a good conversation. But I've come to accept that the older blokes are unlikely to ever really join me on mine.. None of which is an actual deal breaker. Just a limitation perhaps.

FWIW, within the group I've connected with to do some riding with, I will be the youngest by some margin. But it works because we have that common interest to bond over.

Anyway, I'm writing a book here lol. Always great to hear from you Hope, Best of luck with your new groups. Curious about the art group, but I'm out of space 🙂

Cheers,

Bill.

[Guest_1584]

Gday bill.

Sounds like there's plenty going on for ya lately so l hope it's all helping you to feel better about things along the way.

l found the same thing when my marriage broke up with so called friends, even most family. ya sure find out who's what at those times don't ya hey, which pretty well leaves no one left , know all about it.

Gotta ask to , so were you talking about motor bikes or push bikes?

Funny thing though l scored a racing bike , push bike, for free the other day but man talking about seats , l dunno with they're thinking even making the seat on this thing.. l dunno who fair worse on it males or females it'd pretty well ruin either l think so that things gotta go.

Haven't managed to get over the the cabin yet we hope to go tomorrow for yep round 5. Mate l could describe the mess this bloke left all over the blocks , 6 loaded trailer trips to the scrap metal alone. Probably a dozen full size wheely bins of rubbish and more to go yet.but l am winning and a few more days on it should have it back to normal. he turned the cabin into a hot house too and had grown a crop of dope in there too l discovered.. l hope to recoup some of the rent he owed selling off some machines and car parts he left behind so at least that's something.

ok mate , hope your killem em eh.

All the best

rx

[hope4joy]

Hi Bill,

Just stopping by to say hello! How's the riding group going? And the bike?

And hi rx, have you got your property back in shape? Sounds like it was a huge amount of work.

Thanks Bill for sharing about the speaking event - good on you for making it despite the challenges. You mentioned something about how responsibility and challenge lead to contentment and I totally agree with that. I've been at the same workplace for 5 years and for a long time I always ran the other direction when I was offered a team leader role and only did it begrudgingly for short periods if I had to. But about 6 months ago work was really stuck and I was feeling good emotionally so I finally said yes. And yes, it was soooo stressful for those first two months or so. And I still worry during shifts (there's loads to coordinate). But it is also incredibly satisfying, to know that I can help shape the team/organisation... help people have a really great day and be good at what we do. And it lends a sense of confidence, which I realise is a state of mind that comes with taking on responsibility and challenge. Something I'd like to grow more of.

I also agree that chasing happiness is a very elusive and somewhat destructive thing to do. For me cultivating a life full of things I enjoy and find meaningful is a more helpful approach. I also find the word 'happy' quite loaded, with meanings from my past and from society, and while I do use it a bit, I prefer to strive to be contented. And lately I've been feeling consistently that way. Some way to go with cultivating more friendships with peers but I'm much more socially active and have a lot of projects on the go and feel quite driven. My psychologist describes that I've been feeling good because 'I've been meeting my needs'. Heavens, I normally run a mile when I hear the 'needs' terminology come up, but perhaps she's on to something!

Anyhow enough rambles for me.

Hope 🙂

[Skary Bill]

Hi Hope and RX.    I don't know if you folks are still around all these years later.      But I'm in a pretty good place, so I decided to dig up this old thread and give the story an update.

The short version is, it took time but I did it.   I made some friends. lol       I'm not sure if I even posted about it  here.   But I got back on my bike in 2019.  And got wiped out in a roundabout by a new Aussie driving a borrowed camry for the first time. Broken leg.. tendons.  the whole circus. Picked myself back up.  rented a little cottage in the town near my bush block and pretty well shut myself away in it for a couple of years.    Then late last year, the landlord declines to renew my lease, and puts the property back on the market with a 60% rent hike.  And I moved back to the bush block where I now live.  Still under a tarp with my camper.  But progress is steady on living conditions.    And I've been forced out of hiding.     

Early this year while doing some digging, I begin to wonder if I can make roof tiles from the clay on my block.. So I cleaned up a sample and took it to the local pottery club to ask about it.     The place was all but closed and there were two people left there.    But those were the ones who changed everything..  One hosted a weekly brunch for ppl with anxiety and other mental health challenges.   And the other had just started a community pottery project.   I joined both groups and have never looked back.   I made some friends, and discovered I really enjoy making pottery lol.   But most importantly I found my tribe. The people I feel comfortable around.. the group I feel part of.   And with that came confidence.. And fitness, and major weight loss.  And then most recently, in a twist I could not have imagined in 2019,  I met someone I click with and care about. Which is amazing. 

Now, the reality check.   I'm not fixed.  I'm still working on the same problems. But it is motivationally different. I still suffer from agoraphobia.  But I have more comfort zones around town now.  And I could go somewhere new with some friends and be pretty comfortable there quickly too..   So it's fair to say I don't suffer from it as much anymore.     And I'm still anxious, but not lonely and sad.

If anyone ever comes across this old thread.  The solution is just keep looking for your people until you get lucky and find them.  Be tenacious and don't give up. And don't give your time to people who will drag you down.  Just politely move on and keep looking.     You will know when you find the right ones.

And a huge thanks to anyone who contributed to this thread. It helped a lot. 

[randomxx]

Gday there bill and mateee, what a turn around hey , congrats mate very much congrats.

l've been out for a long time too but so when l rejoined l couldn't find anything here but then l discovered the all discussions up the top there so l keep that in favourites and browse from there , low and be hold. The name looked familiar so checked it out and there ya go, remember the thread now.

And motor bikes l see now too, sorry bout that but also about the wipeout too , ouch. Main reason l haven't bought another bike don't trust my luck.

Lots has happened hey , good for you man good for you, and with the new lady , nice one and good luck with things there too.

ldk if l even have a tribe to find unfortunately, lifes just never shown me my tribe, l'm too weird and so l don't suppose it's going to start now , not that l'll close that door butttt, anyway. Really nice to hear you have though and good for you man.

l probably lack the belief knowing how l tick very differently to most and so the tenacity too tbh l suppose, soooo.

Although l'm moving next yr and kinda have this little dream of landing near a few other weird ones and that we all just fit and there we sit into old age telling our stories over some beers eh.

Good luck with everything anyway mate and all the best.

rx

[Skary Bill]

Hey RX,   stoked to connect with you mate.     And cheers,  yeah once I went past the tipping point the change became rapid.    
I'm still riding that bike..  I bought it back off the insurance co for $100 salvage value, and turned it into a rat-bike lol .  It's a local celebrity here now.  Tourists take photos of it.     I still live in fear of a ford ranger ending me.  But of all the crazy things..  I get the agoraphobia in the car.. but not on the bike. I call it my therapist. 😄

I was so far past thinking it was possible when I caught a break mate.  And I found my tribe in an old shed in a little country town.   I say dare to dream. 🙂  There are definitely pockets of us wierd ones out there. We're just well hidden because we all like our privacy too. 😕

Again, great to catch you mate.   Take care. 

[randomxx]

Eh there bill , likewise mate and great stuff , great stuff. So nice to hear the turns lifes taken too, never do know do we hey, the weirdest things can turn in life at the weirdest times.

Funny about the bike, know what you mean, sounds like a classic.

When l had my 83 jag use to come out from shops and someone would be admiring it. oNCe l was in a shop and some girl came in and said, is that your jag out there, l thought shyt what have l done now, but ahhh, yeah. She laughed and said l'll marry you if you let me drive it, l thought hmmmm, not a bad deal really ha ha, she was very cute, chuckled. Had to think about it later , did some girl just come in and say that to me or am l delusional.

l like the dream thinking too, believe the same. Hope and dreams are a beautiful thing l say, let em float about why not hey.

But yeah , very true too lknow , dk if l'd be lucky enough to land in one though never had much luck with neighbours but eh, anything can happen though right.

All the best eh.  rx