Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM · ‎11-11-2015

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

Elizabeth CP · ‎18-12-2015

Re the worst thing is my parents think I'm gay. It is not about whether being gay is good or bad. The problem is his parents so misunderstanding him and making assumptions. Recently a doctor thought I was my husband's mother. It made me very uncomfortable wondering what I was doing wrong to give that impression. I guess we all want to appear as ourselves (or t least the person we want to be) rather than someone else.

pipsy · ‎19-12-2015

Hey MisterM. Maybe you find it hard to accept praise because it's 'foreign' to you. I think it's wonderful someone liked your song that much. I wish I could sing and play. We all have areas we excel in, yours is obviously singing and playing. Your family doesn't appreciate your style of music, this makes it harder to enjoy. I think you're going to have to accept your way of life is different to your family. I think I suggested once before, when you're home, try to maintain your own way of life. Don't push your beliefs at your family, whatever they say, be it good or bad, agree to disagree. I would just say to them, I appreciate how you feel, I don't agree, but you don't respect my feelings, so I don't wish to discuss with you anything about my life style. It's their home, therefore it's their choice how they live, but they don't have the right to impose restrictions on your music. They can ask you not to play your music in their home, that's their right, but when you're with your friends, you're free to enjoy. Unfortunately, till you're in a position to leave home, you'll have to basically live two lives. I think that's what's causing the depression, you feel as though you're being 'repressed' so you can't enjoy the elation you would otherwise feel at the news that someone is interested in your music. Keep writing music, someone's bought a song, you never know, someone else might buy another song. If that happens often, this could help change your life.

I think you're amazing. I'd love to hear you, if it was possible. I love most music, I would never 'knock' anyone with talent.

Again, congrats. Keep going.

MisterM · ‎24-12-2015

Hi Paul,

You asked what gives me joy and what it is I default to doing when I am down.
I listen to music, get lost in the music, surf the net.

MisterM · ‎24-12-2015

Hi Pipsy,
My parents don't know I write songs and record/perform them.
I am too embarrassed by this and dread them knowing as I would get ridiculed and laughed at by my mum.
My parents don't mind me playing guitar in my room. I only record my songs when I am home alone.
I am not that good a singer, I hate my voice to be honest.
Today my mum looked at me like I am possessed by the devil as I told her I don't go to church as I am not religious.
Thank you for replying.

pipsy · ‎24-12-2015

Dear MisterM. Your religious/nonreligious choices are yours. Your mum has her choices. I'm not a good singer either, although, having said that, if I wrote and sold a song, I would be over the moon, regardless of how anyone thought. You do have a talent, you may not think so, but how many people do you know have sold a song. How our parents see us is important, more importantly is how we see ourselves. The religious side of it doesn't have to come into it as far as you're concerned. You are old enough to make your own decisions as to as how you live your life. As I said before, until you can move away from your home life, you're going to have to live two lives. If living at home is not what you want to do, can you move? If you're on any sort of benefit, go and see Centrelink. They have a budget advise service. They will help you with your financial situation. Keep writing your songs though. Be true to yourself, that's important. Your mum's religious beliefs are real to her, your beliefs are just as important to you. I wouldn't get into any more discussions about religion. Next time your mum tries to talk to you about her feelings re: religion, tell her truthfully, while you respect her beliefs, you don't necessarily agree with them. Whether you respect them or not, try not to argue with her. Just ask her to agree to disagree. Leave it at that. I try not to discuss religion with anyone, everyone has their own thoughts and ideas about religion. It's a very contentious issue, no 'winners', no 'losers', just different ideas.

MisterM · ‎24-12-2015

Thanks Pipsy.

Well she's blown up at me tonight about the church thing and disowned me as a son and is threatening to call the cops on me to evict me.

pipsy · ‎24-12-2015

Hi MisterM. Why is she calling the cops to evict you? It can't just be over religion, the cops wouldn't even buy into that. Her religion is obviously very important to her, maybe leave for a while, till she cools down. Even if you can't go back for a while, give her a chance to cool down. She sounds very angry, more so than just over religion. If it is just over religion, I'm so sorry for you that this has happened. Do you have anywhere to go? I know you said you have mates, could you go to one of them for now. I would say she's terribly disappointed in you, which is sad. You say she's 'disowned' you, maybe that's just anger and hurt talking. When you're angry, you quite often say things you don't necessarily mean. As I said, leave it for now, give the anger and hurt a chance to settle. Try and sort things out once you've both had time apart. If she won't talk to you once she has calmed down, there's not much you can do. Has she done this before, lost her temper to the point where she's thrown you out? If you don't wish to talk to her either, then, that's that. You may just have to accept, for now, and later, when the dust has settled, try talking to her then. Maybe try talking to her with an impartial third party present. Not necessarily a counsellor, it can just be an impartial third party. Sometimes, someone not emotionally involved can be very helpful in seeing where the problems are. As I said before, if you don't want to talk to her, there's not much more you can do.

All the best, whatever happens. As I said before, I'm so sorry this has happened.

MisterM · ‎24-12-2015

Hi Pipsy,

She says I am ruining her life and reckons she can get me arrested for the holes I have put in my bedroom doors and wall in the past.

I only have one friend. I can't move in with him.

Thank you for your advice.

pipsy · ‎25-12-2015

Hey MisterM. All I can say is I'm sorry you're going through this. If what you say is true, perhaps it's for the best you do leave. I would apologize to your mum for damaging the walls and doors, though. It sounds as though your mum could be a bit frightened of you. Have you offered to pay for the damage? This would help. I'm hoping, with time, you and your mum will eventually patch things up. Maybe you will never live at home again, this is something only you can sort out.

Good luck whatever happens. Again, I'm sorry this has happened.

MisterM · ‎26-12-2015

Thanks Pipsy.
My mum has never apologised to me for her years of physical and mental abuse.
I have apologised to my dad about the damage.