Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I have to say that your last post both surprised and impressed me. A couple of days ago you felt that you could not forgive her, and in this post you were able to forgive. And rather than seeing things in black and white, you listened to her which may be what she really wanted?

Communication, openness and honesty are important for a relationship to work. At the same time, and I say this from my own experience, that sometimes it can be hard to talk to our partner, or easier to speak with a therapist... well that applies to me. This is for a variety of reasons - some things she (my wife) wouldn't understand, could get on the defensive, or I am ashamed or embarrassed to talk bout it. And depending on how long this has occurred for can time to change the way we think or act.

Regressing is possible, just like me with my depression etc. It is how we deal with it - that is ourselves, in our relationships etc. While there are lines that cannot be crossed, my marriage vows come into focus "or better or for worse" and that brings me back to communication.

You are doing well, friend.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

So it is official now. We have broken up.

Maybe I was a little naive to think we could move on from what happened the other day. Maybe we could have but there were other issues at play too that made things complicated. I think it was probably doomed the moment she let that "man" twist her mind.

Intimacy is still a topic of concern for as I seriously have doubts whether I can overcome the performance anxiety. I am seeing someone tomorrow to talk about it with them and I am also seeing my therapist on Thursday to see what the plan is over the holidays.

I'll be honest. I am scared about the future. I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself but I am terrified about the prospect of never overcoming the issue. I don't want to feel pathetic over this but I don't necessarily know what to do.

I would like to be friends with her in the future. I know she still wants to be friends too. It is probably a good idea to give some space for now but we shall see as the next few days unfold.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Sorry to hear about the break-up. You never know how things will turn out unless you try - without trying we never move forward. I do not think you were to "blame" for the break-up - some things are out of our control, where we or the other person are at, and what we might be afraid to say or expectations, etc. The good thing from your post is that you are taking on these issues as a challenge and finding a solution. It is also OK to be afraid for the future as there is not real goal line to know we have made it. Remember to give yourself time and reflect on how far you have come.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone had a merry christmas and I wish everyone a happy new year as well. It isn't an easy time for everyone but I hope it was manageable all the same.

I managed to survive despite feeling like crap. It was just two years ago when I was in hospital around this time.

So I have been talking with my ex about how we are feeling. It has been very up and down the past few weeks but what is clear is that we both still have feelings for each other. It is just that we are really struggling with our own personal stuff that makes it difficult. We have decided to remain friends while we work on our things and then reassess about how we feel about things later.

I am wondering if this is the right thing to do. I do love her but she has put me through a lot. I am wondering if I should keep going but not be totally certain when things change or make the cut now.

[smallwolf]

Take 2 - the last post got lost.

There are no right or wrong answers here. How would you feel if you made the cut now?

Alternatively you both have feelings for each other and you can still enjoy each other's company without the pressures and expectations when in a relationship. But also be aware of boundaries and the type of relationship. Perhaps she also needs or needed to take things slowly?

Have I mentioned to you the different types of love in Greek? being a history buff you would be interested in that?

Again you have progressed far. And through these experiences are learning to navigate the world. You will do what you think is right and if you want to be really logical about it write down the pros and cons of each option?

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Par prints, Azzdog and small wolf. Hello all!

Hey Aaron. I had a read over the past few months of your posts. Quite an experience by the sound of it.

It's not much consolation but then again it might be??? And that is that I am seeing A LOT of your experiences in some of my friends. So you are not alone in that regard. Indeed I had my own experiences with it this past month.

To make a long story short, I met a Colombian girl on an app and she was lovely. We got along really well and every second thing she said was through laughter at something I had said or did. About three weeks later she tells me that she has to block me because of the guy she is seeing. I will be clear and say this fact itself didn't phase me. I wasn't interested in anything further than being friends. I felt this way since date number 1.

But anyway this other guy was essentially manipulating her. She was even critical of him when we met to chat. I said to her in person that I'm not playing games. That if she blocks me even once then that's all.. I don't need further indication that I'm not a friend. Anyway two weeks pass again and it's boxing day. So last week. Apparently he threatened her by saying that intimate photos would be shared with her family. Which is a crime in and of itself.

I basically said that she had to sever ties. She has. I am not interested in her more than. Friendship. But I am happy she is done with him.. Unless something changes? Idk. Not my business tbh
She just deserves better that's all.

While I'm thinking of it another good mate of mine nearly moved out with his ex. He still had a bit of time for her. I was really shocked considering that they ended rather badly... But as it turns out it was a manipulation game on her part to get back at her present partner...

And my other mate is a cop and he told me that there was a domestic he got called to and the people were 19...

I guess the point in telling you this is that your experience is not in anyway indicative of shortfall in your character or anything. You are as human as the rest of us. It certainly feels that you will be condemned to be forever alone - God knows I feel that...

But in actual fact it's common..

Another gut told me about a date he was on where a couple sitting next to them intervened and told the girl she shouldn't be going out with him.... The nerve of people hey?

I'm my own life I have joined some legit dating sites and apps. Like not tinder etc. But legit ones. So far it has proved genuine.

I am chatting to a girl a little older than me. She is lovely. I do think as we hit late 20s that the scene of dating etc is slightly easier for those of us who have not had relationships in the past. There is a good deal of immaturity around it seems. Idk what causes it... But I have my suspicions.

We are all on our own separate path.

And here we are at the end of another year.. Indeed decade...

I think there is a good deal of tragedy in people's lives. But we persevere and find the good.

Keep on keeping on man.

So what if this old relationship you had was where you found out you had intimact issues.. It's just a matter of time til you work them through. Don't beat yourself up. It's more common than you think. I dare say that people hide it through games they play with one another.

It sounds like you were open and honest with that girl. Props to you for that. I think the trick now is to make sure you are always honest and open. Don't let a negative result of a good action stop you from doing it in the future.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and hey Mitch! It has definitely been a while.

I'll give you all the update before I address what you both have said. We have both decided that having some time away from each other might be the best thing forward. There is still a lack of assertiveness and certainty in this relationship that makes it hard for me to know what to do. Things are still fresh and it is hard to know how we will cope in the short term so it is probably best that we take a break until the end of the month and then reconvene.

I'll be honest. I still love her so much. She means the world to me and she lights up my world like no else has ever done. I still think back to the early stages of our relationship and it was absolutely amazing. I hope we can go back there one day but we shall see at the end of the month.

At the very least I want to be friends with her. She means that much to me. I love her so much.

All those stories you told me there Mitch is simply astounding. I can't think of anything else that brings out the best and worst in people than relationships and intimacy.

Some people are willing to show their partners that they love them with kindness and being caring and empathetic. Whereas others will be manipulative, abusive, just so they can get with them. It is simply unbelievable and sickens me.

I still have those thoughts that I will be condemned to be forever alone. However, I feel that I have enough experience points in the bag to know that I can experience love. I can experience connection. I can experience what it means to be human. It is something I crave. I hope to keep working on myself and build myself up into someone that is attractive, not just from a relationship point of view.

I hope you are both doing well Tim and Mitch 😊

[smallwolf]

Aaron - This is just me rambling, take it for what it is worth...

I think the thoughts you mention about being alone forever would be no different to my suicidal thoughts - (for me) they are fleeting with no intent but that feeling of being elsewhere. So if your thought are only fleeting that is one thing. If they are something you dwell upon then, remember where you have come from, and these experiences are new and will take time. It is also good that you can also talk about experience points and know what love is - me... I sometimes wish I did.

Off the bad stuff now...

From the sounds of it, most of you issues were around intimacy. Is this correct? In a different time and/or a different place, and different beliefs you might not have had "sex" before marriage. [For the record (or not), my views are irrelevant.]

If my assumption is correct, then we could look at everything else in your relationship...

• open and honest communication. I know this is something you believe in so there should not be any issues here.
• you have said that you like being around her so this would be a plus also.
• I would assume she likes your company also so (say) spending time together at the movies, dinner, or lunch, walking around shops, would be a pleasurable experience.
• I believe you look at her as a equal as well.

How are things on the compatibility level?

Perhaps you could both write a small list of what you want from the relationship. And you could talk about these things and work out your way forward. Perhaps if everything else slotted into place, your insecurities in the intimacy department may reduce.

Again, just random thoughts.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

It is what it is hey?

It's good you have that self belief.

I have that as a result of just good dates and good times on dates as well.

I think it's essential to use this time to just be patient with yourself.

You are only human after all.

It won't last forever but while it is there use it and soak it up...

You actually reminded me of the time I was IN warsaw and the girl I met on the last night there. I had a spring in step and a sense that things were good sadly I couldn't go back but I kept in touch with her and still do.

It was really proof that I am human. It was the same when I had my first kiss.

It's a sign of maturity and truth that you and any of us can lean from.

Be patient my man.

Take what comes.

In the end you are the one who can give yourself the best form of help or advice on this stuff. Through experience both good and bad

[Azzdog]

Sorry for the late reply, I am still a bit up and down with things.

We are back together and still working things out. My issues at the moment are intrusive thoughts (very specific ones which are really disturbing and traumatic) and my own failures at intimacy and feeling absolutely convinced this will never change. There isn't really enough I can do and I have no idea how to move forward.

I am scared that I will keep failing and she will see me for the failure of a man that I am. She has every right to do so.