sex drive?

[Wattle411]

Hi there 

I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and partly due to a past traumatic sexual experience. For my teen years I was just like any normal sex crazed tteenager and I thought everything was fine but more recently I have started to lose all interest in any sexual act and it sometimes disgusts me and I hate myself for doing it when I do.

This lack of interest has put a barrier between my partner and I because he feels like sex is a way to show affection and appreciation and because I don't want to put out he feels as though I don't love him anymore. 

I have tried to explain how I'm feeling but I don't think he really understands. 

I don't want us to break up because I don't feel comfortable at the moment but I don't want to force myself to sleep with him when I don't want to either as that will cause even bigger issues. 

What can I do to fix this??? 

 Thank you very much for your help! 

[sadgirl57]

Hi Wattle,

None of this is your fault and he really needs to pick his act up and maybe be educated a little on this disease. send him links to depression sites, find some articles on Facebook about people writing about their experiences. He needs to learn or how is he going to support you through this? 

There is literally nothing you need to do other than perhaps show him more about it so he can understand. I'm in a relationship and when I don't feel like it (which is a lot) it's no big deal because relationships are sooooo much more than that. Him pressuring you into things you don't want to do is only going to make your situation worse and make you feel guilty about not wanting it. Maybe don't break up but is there anyway you can get space? Parents house, friends, grandparents house, cousin? You need to stick up for yourself and care for yourself in this time and you need positivity, kind and love. The last thing you need is to be worrying about is bedroom relations, this time is about you getting better and should be there for you. 

Please take care and keep us up to date with your situation ❤️
Sadgirl57

[geoff]

dear Wattle, hello and great to talk to you.

When someone and you in this occasion has depression it is so hard to try and get through to our partner that how you feel is so totally different, this of course doesn't mean that you don't love him, but depression is such a strong illness that does make our mood change, and if this other person has never had this illness it's so hard for them to understand, and please never think it's your fault, no matter what is said back to you, you didn't want to have depression, nor did you ever expect to get it.

Your usual sex life has now changed, so now when he expects it at the time that it usually happens, but you can't  please him and before please yourself, but now depression has taken over and taken any desire for wanting sex at all.

Even though you love him to the world, it's going to upset or annoy him and he may get cross, but a sympathetic partner would understand and know how depression will take away everything that you once used to do, in other words you can't do something he wants to you if you have no desire to do, because it's only something you would totally hate, so please don't punish yourself.

When you look at a relationship where two people love each other, nothing should be done against what one person doesn't want to do.

OK he maybe cross with you, but this will pass, and what I would do is to click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'All the Printed Material' from BB, it's all free, and have a read of it and ask him to read it as well, this will hopefully help in your situation.

All the best and please get back to us. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Wattle411.  The hardest thing to try to explain is depression.  It wears many hats.  When you're trying to tell someone, partner/spouse, how you feel and you don't understand it yourself, it's impossible.  Because he doesn't understand something you don't understand, he can't take it in.  Does he know about your past bad experience?  Can you tell him, maybe eventually.  Sex becomes a chore because you do 'it' thinking it's a duty.  He gets angry thinking he's to blame, you can't explain because you don't understand.  It's a merry-go-round of emotions.  Books are okay if you can sit and read and learn together.  Dr's can only do so much, again it means together.  Most men (not all) believe that lovemaking is sex, it's not.  Educating a man how to love a woman in other ways is a full time job for some woman.  Depending on your ages too.  How do you feel about kissing him, only.  I would try and show him how to 'court' you again.  Go back to kissing, touching.  Get your confidence back.  If he genuinely loves and wants to re-build a life with you, show him how.  As Geoff said, he may get impatient and angry with you, this will pass when he sees you making an effort.  Let him cuddle you, cuddle him back.   It makes it harder when a past bad experience comes between you and partner/spouse.  Some understand, some don't.  Only you know the answer to that.  If he doesn't know, try discussing abuse generally.  Get his opinion.  If he closes his mind, don't tell him. 

Keep in touch.

[Wattle411]

Thank you very much for all your advice. 

He does know about my past experience. 

We are working on taking things slow and not assuming things are going to happen when they may not. 

I do love him and I don't want to split up I'm hoping we can both learn from each other. 

I will encourage him to have a look into the site as it might help 

Thank you again everyone

I hope you have all day a good day 🙂