Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

[Natalia_S]

I (22F) haven't suffered with RJ until now, in my first committed relationship.

Me and my boyfriend (25M) have been in a relationship for almost 10 months now. He’s had 3 long term relationships.
At first I was mature about the fact that he’s almost 4 years older than me, he has had longer and more mature relationships and has done more in his life than me, but I still find myself stalking his exes on social media, digging around and asking for more information that I KNOW will hurt me, and straight up ignoring any reassurance he gives me. I hate picturing him with someone else and my instinct is to make him feel bad about his past that are beyond both of our control which I know is totally wrong.

I go for weeks being absolutely fine, but the second an ex is brought into conversation, even by me, it’ll send me on a spiral of social media stalking and taking my anger out on him. It hurts us both every time.
He loves me so much and he tells me that he’s never felt this loved in any relationship he has been in. I believe this to be true, especially from the things he’s told me about his exes. He says he’s never been able to see a future with any of his exes. I absolutely adore him and worship the ground he walks on. I think he’s the one but my behaviour really gets in the way of us being happy and trusting one another.

Recently, I have been stalking HARDCORE, finding stuff from 2015 when he was with his ex and seeing what he's said about her, etc. I had to walk out of work because I was having an extreme panic attack and almost vomitted.

It is getting worse and I don't want to lose him but I feel like the only way to stop suffering if to break up with him. I feel hopeless. I feel sick in the head and I feel like if I live like this forever, I will die.

Does anyone feel the same or now effective ways to get over this for good? I've read books, articles and watched videos - nothing helps long term.

[Natalia_S]

Hi there,

Thank you very much for your message, it was very insightful!

I have actually reminded myself of the words you used in bold when I start to feel my insecurity playing up, so thank you. ❤️

I believe I can overcome these thoughts and be a better person overall, I really do.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Natalia.

More than happy to help where possible. We all experience these self-critical thoughts and feels, I actually had some today. When I personally start to feel lets say somewhat self-critical i.e. "I feel that my partner is untrustworthy, can I trust him to love me and does he find me attractive," or when I am walking through Surfers Paradise (some very good looking people) I wonder if I am as good looking as they are and will my partner stray for someone who is more appealing. I get these thoughts occasionally.

Then I stop, pause and breath. I think to myself "ha, eff that thought, I am more handsome than I realise, I need to lift up my spirits, believe in myself, value my inner-person/outer person, smile and be happy with who I am. Because this is my life, my journey and I choose to feel and live the way I want and I don't have to feel that way. And it's not egotistic at all, it's learning to appreciate yourself and being self-compassionate.

Test yourself

[Guest_3256]

Natalia, next time you find these thought intrusive, do a bit of a test on yourself. I do this occasionally to refresh my mental wellness. Let's so you are going to you local shops to grab some groceries and you pass by others. As your mind focus on others (innocently judging), instead of thinking yourself in a negative way, appreciate how beautiful the person is and then do the same to yourself. Being compassionate about others is also being compassionate about yourslf.

[Natalia_S]

It's like I know I am good for him now and can offer a lot. But, the thought of the girls who have had him before me makes me ill. For instance, I was doing well today and then tonight we were watching TV and the topic of 3somes came up and he mentioned he's had one with 2 girls before. I felt instantaneously ill. He said he had mentioned it before but I would've remembered that.... I felt so anxious and wanted to cry, my throat went dry and I felt so depressed. The thought of that, even if it is in the past, is so hard to handle. My OCD thoughts keep creating scenarios about it and making false assumptions... It is hell.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Natalia.

Well ultimately psychotherapy should address your core beliefs; although some therapists like to Just focus on micro issues like thoughts that arise as a result of the core beliefs/schemas. CBT can be a bit like this sometimes.

another thing you might want to read about/look into is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it’s principles. I haven’t read it but the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is based on ACT.

basically, certain things have been painful to your mind throughout your life- particularly during childhood - the abusive family life, rejection by friends and mistreatment in a romantic relationship. There may also be other things like you mentioned you have GAD, so do I, and that may be partially due to an inherited temperament in your genes. Does constant worry about a range of things sound familiar? Add these together and the result is a lot of distress.

Part of the schemas is that they’ve developed, subconsciously, as your mind sees it - to protect you. And for this reason it will try to shut off every time you attempt to change them. This is part of the reason why they’re hard to change. It seems counterintuitive, how could a schema that says people will leave me help. but think about it: I am afraid that my Boyfriend will leave me one day, so I will come up with all these things that convince me otherwise; eg. I can love him more than anyone else can. This is trying to deep down get rid of your fears with words. And when reality bumps into you it is jarring; when I see on Facebook he had romantic attachments with other girls, or hear about threesomes, it makes that fear rise to the surface....

By the way, did you ask whether he had a threesome in the past? Or did he bring it up? Seems like an insensitive thing to bring up given your current problems

[Natalia_S]

Good morning,

I currently see a psychologist who uses CBT in our sessions as well as using techniques to require my brain and challenge my anxious and obsessive thoughts, but I will definitely look into ACT, thank you!

Wow you summed up my fear of people leaving and its relation to my current relationship very well. I think my insecurity makes my schemas worse and reinforces all my negative thoughts. Do you think if I improve my overall confidence and self-image, I can overcome my anxiety over his past relationships? I seem to think it could help, however I feel whenever I make progress in my life, I fall into low, depressive moods that make me feel worthless all over again, cannot move and want to sleep and not wake up.. I think its a result of all my suppressed and unhealed painful experiences. Do you have any suggestions for working on my schemas and addressing my negative childhood memories outside of psychology?

The topic of threesomes came up in conversation from watching TV and I already knew he had a threesome but what I didn't know was it was he had it with two girls and him. From what he told me in the past, it was with a guy, a girl and him. I was automatically distressed and felt after learning about this new information. It's like everytime I learn about new information from his past, my panic attacks and anxious thinking starts all over again.

My partner has had a very extreme sexual past and his relationships are not the only things that cause me great distress. However, I don't talk about it much because people shut me down and say "you shouldn't judge" or "that was before you" or "you aren't a virgin either". But, it is not that black and white. I feel horrible about it but it really does upset me and disgusts me sometimes too. He's slept with over 250 people and there's no denying this is waaaay over the average, but it is the carelessness of how he went about it (all unprotected). I feel so stupid for feeling this way when obviously he didn't know me at the time and he has control over what he wants to do. But, it makes me feel even worse and I think of the scenarios in my head of these experiences and it makes me very depressed.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Natalia. Sorry for the late reply. Wow that is a lot.... He must be a very charismatic young man. I’m sorry people shut you down. I don’t know what to say other than I understand how you must feel about it all.

My wife and I were each other’s first partner, something which is also kind of rare these days - I know of only of our friends who is the same.

I think many mental problems are the same, in that they’re deep down and stem from a sense that either we are unsafe, or that people can’t be relied upon/will leave us. In a sense it’s amazing for some people to have grown up having felt fully safe and all their emotional needs taken care of by their parents. It’s entirely possible to not get that from ones parents. As you see on this forum some times, there are people whose parents do/have done terrible things to them emotionally through a lack of care and love....

My main point... well I don’t know if I have a point. I’d hate to give the impression that I know the answer. I could just as easily be wrong.

I wonder if in your case something clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson says is applicable: he says in relation to guys like (perhaps) your partner has been like in the past, he says “you can’t divorce sexuality from human relationships”... I guess to have over a quarter of a thousand sexual partners means it would be impossible to have emotionally connected in a meaningful way with that many women...

Look him up if that’s something you’d like, on YouTube with some keywords relating to the issues you relate here, e.g, men and sex...

Intimate relationships can be the most intense, rewarding and all consuming relationship, and so I think it’s natural for worried feelings to come up, especially given your partners past and that’s your first serious relationship - that’s what u said right? I hope it helps that I’m acknowledging that rather than fobbing you off like others have done. I certainly don’t think you’re stupid. I think with generalised anxiety it’s the uncertainty around everything that’s the worst. It’s the basis of one theory for GAD. If you think about it, human relationships are the epitome of uncertainty; nobody knows if their partner/wife will leave them one day.

I don’t think however that any amount of Facebook profile Surfing etc will ever take away the anxiety tho for you- but I understand why you must do it- in a way it takes away some of the uncertainty, but u can’t completely ever get rid of it... dam, running out of letters.

[Here2Talk]

Second message;

Your questions, Any non-psychology ideas for schemas. confidence and self-image.

Any time you can have a really deep, safe conversation with someone you can trust I think can help your self-image and schemas.. I’m not sure about confidence. Not that it’s bad to have confidence! It’s just I wonder about different types of confidence: confidence to socialise at parties, confidence to do a job or hobby or other artistic or performing type thing. I wonder if you mean confidence in your relationship? In which case, it’s great to be comfortable in your relationship and believe that it is a good one. And I sincerely hope that it is, and continues to be for you Natalia. It’s hard to say that unbounded confidence would be good for you in the long run. Confidence that your love will last forever is... well like I said it’s great to enjoy your relationship! But like I mentioned in my post above- humans are the most unpredictable things in the world... Having unwavering confidence is kind of like building up a schema that nothing bad will ever happen.. Hope that’s not upsetting. Tell me if you mean a different kind of confidence.

As for self-image, do you mean a similar kind of thing? Your self image in the relationship?

Regarding schemas, as Jordan Peterson mentioned earlier says: you’ve got to pull yourself apart and put yourself back together to grow us a person. Although he doesn’t say to change schemas, I think much good psychotherapy aims at the same thing. I think having really deep conversations with people that are willing to go down the depths of your soul with you without being scared or without being mean or dismissive would be the way to go. I haven’t met a human like that in my life but I’m sure there are people out there..

I’m always interested In depth psychology so I apologise if I’ve become too abstract.

I’d love to try to be someone to keep talking to you and listen and talk honestly, so let me know if you’d like to keep talking more about the things that trouble you, or to explain myself better than I have in the past 3500 characters haha

[Natalia_S]

Good evening!

wow, what an in-depth and excellent message! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply back 🙂

so I definitely agree with what you mentioned and what Jordan has touched on regarding lack of emotional connection with numerous sexual partners. My boyfriend has said he didn’t care about those sexual partners in the past - it was emotionless. I guess it reveals what he was going through at that time.

I think a big part of my mentality when it comes to worrying about my partners past (especially the large number of sexual partners) is thinking “these girls don’t deserve to have been with my partner”’and the thought of him being sexual with other people makes me mad and sick.

I was saying that if I improved my confidence within myself and my own self image (ie physical appearance and abilities) I may not have such a fixations on these negative thoughts. I find that when my life is going well and I’m succeeding in school or work or personal achievements, I tend to feel more optimistic and more confident.

It’s so good to hear you and your wife were each other’s first. That is truly something I desire so much!!

[Here2Talk]

I get what Jordan’s saying but I think he might be wrong. Clearly people can have sex without meaning/emotion. I guess tinder and other sites have sort of exploited that part of human nature. But at least it’s better people go there rather than other dating sites and lie to women(and men) to get them into bed...

Anyways..

The thing about what we’ve discussed - schemas/core beliefs etc. is that they are a way we respond to emotional pain from the past that has scarred us. Sometimes it’s a vague emotion unrelated to our current crises, sometimes its the exact same thing. The thing is that our psyche wants to avoid the feeling (emotional pain), so it responds with behaviours - in your case jealousy over past events...

its a good thing in general to improve your physical appearance and abilities, succeed at study in life - but I think improving this to improve your relationship could be (philosophically) ironically counter productive. It could be that although you think your jealousy is because you think they don’t deserve your partner, really it’s because it reminds you deep down in your schema of a feeling (a feeling, not a verbally articulated idea- this distinction is important) that you are not good enough, in a generalised vague way, and/or that things will go badly for you in some indistinct way...

I think the route to improvement for this issue anyway (jealousy, and the problems it causes your relationship) could ironically be about accepting yourself... Which is not easy. When you find out tell me!! You have GAD right? Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, there are lots of people I have talked to here, and life is so busy for me to scroll back all the time and recheck details.

Yes so self-acceptance.. it’s a vague idea that’s intertwined with acceptance of many other parts of life. Key point like I mentioned is that most of this stuff is deep feelings first, which are then plastered over with verbal thoughts...

I could be off track, but from the brief conversation I’ve had with you this is the feeling I get. Would love to hear back your thoughts, as well as if there’s any other areas of life you would like to discuss.

Take care Natalia.