Relationship strife? the peace pipe
To marry my best friend sounds ideal, but thete was one problem, we both have firey tempers.
We've been married 6 years. After 2 years we had to find a method of surviving our clashes.
We both agreed we cant eliminate our temper, nor our need to storm off in a desperate need to escape the other person. Having considered that, I came up with this solution.
Couple A and B have an arguement and one storms of to his shed or her the bbq area. The rules are
Never follow them initially
Never leave the property.
The one that stormed off has to feel that they wont be hounded. They need time out. This is a reasonable request.
After a time often minimum 20 minutes max 1 hour one person will feel like approaching the other for reconciliation. It doesnt matter who it is. Pride has no place here.
Person A approaches and asks person B if they'd like a cuppa. Person B might have thought they werent far off doing the same so they gave their cuppa. One rule here- no raising of voices.
If person B refuses the offer it simply means they are still fuming. Thats ok. Person A returns indoors. It is then person B to approach person A for a cuppa when ready.
You will be astounded how well this works...why? Because the time out period is so effective in calming you down.
You are left alone with the knowledge that if the other person shows up it will be only to offer a peace pipe...a cuppa.
You'll be comfortable that your partner wont drive dangerously or wont go missing and cause huge levels of concern.
This method needs a commitment from both, promises set in stone. It works for us. Lately we have found less and less need to carry this out, rather we stop the person walking out and talk quietly and calmly. We short circuit the process. A key element is respect. Both persons feel respected.
Either way its a winner.
what a useful post. I think having guidelines is useful. If one person is a sulker and wants to be alone after an argument and the others is a needy hugger and needs reassuring, the plan must suit both people. I am working on it. Respect is important.
Thanks for your ideas.
Thankyou V and Q for your words. Thats nice. I feel humbled.
Once I was so upset I walked from the property to a nearby park on the basis that I didnt think she'd leave me alone. That act broke some respect and trust between us. We are well over that now and we stick to our pledges.
We are well suited to each other. However with firey tempers we cant fully control them. So the plan was needed.
You have described almost to a "t" what my husband & I do.
I'm the sulky one but after a while I'm always offered a cuppa.
After the cuppa most times the issue doesn't seem nearly as awful.
However if there's been a real blast & one or both of us has behaved badly, we apologise.
Do you remember "Love Story" - love means never having to say you're sorry? I think that is exactly the reverse of the truth.
Love means saying sorry.
I'm another of your fans Tony. I always think "oh goody" when I see a new post from you. I know it will be well thought out & instructive.
Thank you Tony, Lyn.
You made my night. Thankyou. I'm so happy about your words.
Here is one of my 150 poems that sums up another married situation
THE BLACK WIDOW
The male black widow spider
Tried all his life
He tried to tickle the hairy legs
Of his larger black widow wife
Finally he had a win
Something at last to gloat
She began to laugh aloud
As his leg slid down her throat
Poor male black widow
Was always getting into strife
All because he voutldnt understand
The nature of his hairy wife...
V, I like to have distinct values that are reasonable.
Reason is an interesting word. Its pliable and flexes depending on the individual.
However when we talk about equality a relationship should possess the intention if both people to interconnect to accomplish tasks and communication for the completion of the bigger picture.
Dominance in any relationship is not good unless the dominated needs it. Even then the dominator can dominate, steer the ship in a non dominating manner.
But if one person is striving gor equal rights and is reasonable to give and take then that should be tolerable.
In the formula/agreement mentioned here it was never intended to be a method whereby it is felt unequal, on the contrary.
stay calm. Persist. Ask why he can't agree.
To be honest I think he's overwhelmed and getting muddled therefor confusing me.
Hes got insomnia which isn't helping and I think depression/anxiety. All the hallmarks are there.
Thats why after I dumped him, when he contacted me again I've not told him to rack off... he's got no one else to talk to and I fear he's doing very badly but doing the "na I'm ok." Thing.
But I'm maintaining distance until such time he wants to drop the arrogant mask.