Relationship break up

[Sarah_99]

Hi, I’m not sure where to start as I have been going through so much issues with my husband. I recently found out he cheated and using substances. He has struggled with gambling addiction for some time now. He decided to move out after he admitted of what he has done. I don’t think he is telling me the whole truth. I think he  wanted something more from this woman. (They met at work by the way)I think he had behaved badly or something else has happened because she cut him off. I know he was still trying to reach out to her. I’m not really sure if there is anything going on now, I still have doubts though. Our children who live elsewhere at the moment. I’m trying to be positive and think we can work it out. He has said he’s not happy and hasn’t been for a long time. He never communicated this to me. We have been together for 24 years. I’m feeling lost without him, I feel unwanted, insecure about my appearance. He keeps saying he needs time to process his thoughts and feelings. We have been through so much in our life together. We lost our son he was only 6 when he passed, our life will never be the same without him. We have had so much loss in our family over the years. I’m worried about his metal heath, he knows he needs help but he is deconstruction mode. He wants to shut off from everything and his responsibilities. I never thought he would turn out this way. I’m just lost and confused about how we got to this point. I’m trying to focus on me but I find it hard as u feel alone. 

[Croix]

Dear Sarah_99~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good choice as you are going though a terrible time and if you look around you may see how others have coped.

You have been through a lot with you husband, 24 years of being together, and also being together during the death of a child, something that changes everyone.

While I know you are very naturally trying to be positive and be able to work things out, I'm sure you know that's not the same as putting things back how they were. Your trust and faith in the one that was closest to you have been broken, and they do not come back easily, if ever.

A huge factor in what happens is how much he wants to beat his addictions, get back together too and still loves and respects you.

I'm sorry to be blunt, however I think I would be doing you a disservice by saying anything other than what appears to me to be the truth. Your husband has several serious problems that are not quickly remedied.

If he is addicted to gambling, not only is that highly threatening if he has the ability to throw away all your assets including you house if you have one, but it takes skillful specialist assistance together with a genuine strong desire to stop that is the only way. If he has that ability please quickly take steps to prevent him losing everything.

It is very much the same with substance abuse, an addictive method of coping the is downright harmful, expensive and dangerous if driving. Again the path to any recovery is similar.

With the affair, I don't know enough about your husband or the other person to say much other than it has to be a big personal shock to you. His reasons for doing it may be complex, and probably having nothing directly with you, your looks or actions. I'd have to say it is a worry he is still chasing her having been dumped.

All of his actions, including wanting to be away for a while may all be prompted by the same cause -I admit I'm guessing here. As he is not with you at the  moment I'm unsure how you can do it, but encouraging him to seek medical and specialist help is by far the best thing for him.

To get back together with him as you can see would involve a whole heap of problems, many of which you would have to swallow your anger, hurt and pride and be supportive, praising him for any victory (ie not gambling) constantly and encouraging during lapses. Home support as well as professional assistance works best but is very hard on the  partner.

You mentioned your children are away at the moment, are they old enough to have mature views on this situation and maybe talk it over wiht you? They may be in shock too.

It is very easy to feel completely alone in these circumstances. May I ask if you have someone to lean on? A family member or friend perhaps with whom you can talk frankly and gain another's perspective? They do not have to try to 'fix' anything, just listen and care.

If there is nobody suitable I'd suggest strongly counseling, as you very much need support right now. I can suggest Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) who may have an office near you - or know of a suitable one that is.

Please realise you will be welcome here anytime

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

Your husband has made some poor choices in trying to find 'happiness' through recklessness - hard to understand, but this is often a coping mechanism for grief; a way to shut out one pain by adding others.

Time away from each other, while stressful for you, will allow him some serious soul searching space to piece together the error of his ways and the hurt he has caused.

With a clear head he might just realise that happiness (in its purest form) was always there with you through thick and thin if only he had confided in you from the beginning; but grief, guilt, and shame can inhibit those we love until everything comes to its breaking point.

He does need help, but most of all your husband will need you to be strong and resilient to lead him on that path to recovery - but only if he chooses to do right.

Unfortunately, this is something he must work out for himself and where you will also need a clear head to determine if he is genuine.

[Sarah_99]

Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post. His gambling addiction has been a problem for a long time. I stood by him and support him. I’m hurt that after all we have been through he could go and have an affair. I never thought in a million years that we would end up like this. I think he is trying to not want to deal with what he has done. Ww lost our son back in 2008 and I don’t think he never got to grief our son properly as she has always been the strong one and the one that everyone has relied on at some point. Also not being a person to talk about his problems or issues. 
I have family and a close male friend who went through a bad break up and he knows what I’m going through. He is saying I have to focus on myself and I know he is right bits it’s really hard. My whole life is my husband and we were together since we were teens. My love  and gotten deeper and more stronger over the years. I’m not sure he feels the same anymore. I know I definitely need some counseling and I’ll definitely be looking into it. I do need to sit and try to have a conversation with him as we haven’t had the chance or things get heated and decides to leave or walk away as he can’t deal with his emotions. It’s not fair or right he has been treating me this way. Our children are away with family in the country to get away for the crowd they were getting caught up in. Maybe that’s another reason I’m not totally sure. I just want him to be honest with me so I know where I actually stand. 

[Sarah_99]

Croix, 

thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Trying to strong is so hard as I’ve been really trying. I’m an emotional person and I let my feelings and emotions out. I have family and some friends I can talk to. My family have been nothing but supportive to him especially my sister and Dad. My family love and adore him. His family are not as supportive as family should be. His had a rough childhood due to his parents behaviour and their own addiction. We sort of both had similar experiences in child hood. We have always had our ups and downs in life. I know loosing a child changed us as people but I thought it made us more close. He does say he loves me but is he only just saying I I want to hear. This is why I need him to be honest and real about everything. He just keeps saying he needs to process his thoughts and feelings ( which dose not really say anything in my opinion) 

what does that mean? 
it’s hard to try to see my life without him in it. As we have grown up together have beautiful children who need us especially our younger two aged 14 and 17 as we had to make the Decision to send them away from the crowd and people who they were hanging around with. As we thought it was better for them. 
maybe this had an impact of how he was feeling at the time. I’m not sure to be honest he needs to man up and deal with what he has done to us and his family. It’s disappointing that he is shutting himself away and not dealing with his problems. He knows he needs it but only he can do that. I do know that. Thanks for your support 

[tranzcrybe]

To some extent I can relate to losing a son - not so directly as you by far, but still I was unwittingly a close connection.
My "doppelgänger" nephew (who was the same age as me and only a toddler) was with his father when he broke loose and got hit by a car.
As I grew, not knowing at the time, I was always troubled by my cousin's pained expression and could feel the tension without having the words (or the audacity) to ask why.
It was like I was part of everything and yet not. All those mixed emotions circling but never finding a place to land.

So my point is that such trauma can really change people - not deep down where they are as vulnerable and helpless as a child themselves, but through layers and years of patching over the emotions until mostly concealed - including from those they love.

Peeling away those layers can be daunting and sometimes better left to the individual until you have a sign from them to assist.

Conversations are good like that too, but can feel painful to get started which leads to resistance.

This is where patience and empathy for each other may not necessarily require a single utterance, sufficient to be there to share the pain - I think you feel that connection despite everything, grappling with the myriad of emotions looking for a place to rest, but you are perfectly within your rights to break away to protect yourself.

You can only do so much before resigning yourself to the irreconcilable.