Infidelity, Self-Discovery, and Salvation

[dxpe]

Hi, my significant other and I have been through it. We've been together for 9 years, and frankly I've been a piece of shit. We started dating at 19. We split up for a week when we were 20 and I slept with another girl. While we technically weren't together, we did get back shortly after, and to her naturally it felt like getting cheated on. She reciprocated the favor by hooking up with another guy not too long after. We both came clean, grew up, moved past it. She is amazing, in every way shape and form, and even if I wasn't a piece of sh*t idk if I'd even deserve her then.

Anyways, we did a year of long distance when I was 22, and I during that time I struggled a lot. While there were some external factors involved, I'll save that nonsense and take full responsibility. I cheated on her 3 times during that year. 3 different women, slept with 2, made out with one, and I despised myself for it. By the time we were back together, I had convinced myself that putting effort into being a better man was good enough, and I was also too scared to tell her, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself.

Flash forward a few years, we're engaged, but I still feel guilt, and ended up blowing up our engagement after getting hammered drunk and again, making out with someone. For those of you who it matters to, there was no sex, but still we both consider making out to be cheating. The fallout was brutal. Rumors ran wild, people said nasty things and it was unnecessarily toxic for us, however, I did spend some time telling myself I "deserved" it for my f-ups I kept secret. After a month apart, she decided she wanted to try again.

Frankly, since then (3 years ago) we have been great. However, the time has come where we're likely set to take a step closer to engagement and trying this all again. In some ways I've changed for the better, in others I probably hadn't taken enough action. I've begun therapy again, and am attempting lots of self reflection because I owe it to her to have zero problems ever again. She is the most wonderful woman in the world and deserves the best...that being said, if we never want to have problems, I am thinking it is time to address my abhorrent behavior while we were long distance. It's going to be so hard to hurt her and ofc I'm scared it might be the end for good.

I don't know if I have a form of sexual addiction, I definitely have issues with pornography and have since i was VERY young. But i don't want to use "addiction" as a bullshit excuse.

 

[Croix]

Dear Dxpe~

Welcome to the Forum. If yoou look around you will see others have had on again/off again relationships with being unfaithful and feeling bad about it in between. It really look form what you say you both have tolerate the past, wanted to try again,  and now have has a long period of harmony -which is great!

Incidentally although you regard yourself badly infidelity and porn are things many people have to wrestle with, you are not alone. It may also be that there may be something behind it all, and therapy might bring it out  -perhaps to your surprise.

As far as I believe it is the dishonesty that sometimes goes wiht these things - maybe pretending they never happened, that causes the most harm and hurt with someone close. Now that you have had expereince wiht others that might help you from doing it again. You would have learned abut yourself and how you are likley to react.

After 3 years it is not surprising you both wish to be closer. You must care a lot to try to smooth her path by having therapy for a difficult subject, however it is a path that bears a lot of hope.

After three years do you think you should explain what the therapy is for? It's a judgment call of course, and you are in the best place to make it. The only feeling I have is that anything that leads to hiding or telling lies can harm a relationship.

If everything were out in the open then you may get support at home, something that will probably be much needed, therapy is only part of the equation.

You did say your wanted to avoid prblems which is a bit of an ask, as far as I can see all relationships have rocky times, however genuine  caring for the other person and not being deliberately hurtful can set things right.

If you would like to say how you got on that would be great

Croix

[dxpe]

I mean, if she were to want to stay with me after I share this then yes of course I would get support from her. However that comes with a couple pitfalls. I suppose they are inevitable but nonetheless. If I tell her and we stay together, I'll have dealt yet another heinous blow to her personally, and I can't stand the idea of tormenting her like that. Or, there's also just the option that she kicks me out and its over. Like I said, these feel a little inevitable I guess if we want to build the ideal future.

[Scared]

I cant see what good it will serve to hurt your partner for your infidelities.  You hurting your partner to perhaps rid yourself of guilt is really only you being selfish in my view.  They say honesty is the best policy.   But is it in this circumstance ?. Who ever you were back then is unimportant and irrelevant..  What is important is who you are now and who you going to be in the future.   If your looking for forgiveness then see a priest or forgive yourself.  But dont hurt your partner over something that happened long ago.  If you dont think your finished sowing your wild oats then you may have to be honest with her and go your own way.   This will hurt her but your motive would be for the fact you dont ever want to hurt her or anybody again.  Time to be looking at yourself for honesty in are you ready to be married.  Forgiving yourself for past behaviours is achievable but not if you repeat these things.  I once cheated on my partner and I was in agony.  I went to a priest for forgiveness and he did but he also taught me not to hurt my partner with these admissions as I had never given thought about how my partner would feel knowing my truth.

At the end of the day its your choice as to whether you can overcome guilt or to be honest and risk hurting the object of your love.

[dxpe]

Hi Scared, thanks for your insight, yes I've also been weighing that fact as well, the idea that hurting her is not what is best for her if I "internally right my wrongs". It's one of those things where the internal perception of the "best" move can always be clouded by bias in one way or another. Have been talking with my therapist a lot for help in this. I also agree I should consider re-visiting my faith.

To be honest, I don't think its quite that simple, even though I wish it was. A mental block like this, a cloud of anxiety, guilt, and deceit, inhibits true intimacy and having a true bulletproof relationship, which is also something that directly affects her. People, generally, can feel that difference.

As far as just "up and leaving" to save her the pain, that is definitely not simple haha. I totally agree that could be a move for a less serious relationship, but as I've mentioned we've been together for 9 years. Her family is mine and mine is hers. There's no "it just wasn't working out" type of break-up without talking like this. For "sowing my wild oats"... there is absolutely no way I will ever allow for that again. It's been 5 years and I'm more disgusted with myself than ever, I cry at the idea of hurting this woman. Internally and externally a lot has changed for the better 🙂 

But yes I totally get the thought process, thanks again for your thoughts.

[Scared]

Ok but not telling her the truth is an act of compassion on your part.  I understand what you are saying to be free of secrets for a " bullet proof relationship " but isnt having compassion for her a demonstration towards bullet proof relationship.  I often talk on here about there are no wrongs or rights as both equally have merit.  What is left is consequences of our actions.  But also if this is messing with your head then you NEED to address it for you and your partners future sake.  And that is a decision only you can make as you know yourself better than anyone else.

[therising]

Hi dxpe

It sounds like you've become incredibly conscious of a lot of things over time, thanks to your therapist, a better understanding of your emotions, different forms of development within the relationship, new ways of perceiving things and I'm sure the list goes on. When it comes to the guilt factor, personally I've found a sense of guilt to be constructive. Should add, I never always felt this way about guilt. Before my perception of it changed, it used to feel more like a form of torture. I like to look at guilt these days as 'the thing that's asking me who I really want to be from this moment onward'. So, you could say it's a call to greater levels of consciousness. When becoming more conscious, it's regret that feels painful, it's the ability to begin feeling other people's emotions that becomes painful, it's wishing things could be different or a sense of shame that creates a sense of pain. Guilt is just a sign or signpost that asks 'Well, do you want to continue on the same path or choose one that defines you in a completely different way? Time to choose, path A or path B. Who are you going to be?'.

Whether telling your partner about the infidelities is right or wrong could be a matter of opinion, unless there's a serious need to know for health reasons, like with transmissions for example). If you were to say 'If the person I never want to be again is behind me (a ghost of my current self), is there a point to telling her who I used to be? Will it serve her to know? If I become the person who raises her, mentally and soulfully, if I become the person who brings out the best in her, the person who guides her in coming to fully know herself, the person who evoles for her etc etc, how will that come to serve her'.

When it comes to what feels like an addiction, there may be triggers to be conscious of in the future and a need to consider how you're going to manage those triggers. As you'd know, sexual energy is an incredibly intense and exciting kind of energy. How would you manage, for example, if you both decided to start a family and due to the low energy levels that can come about after having given birth and with the demands of being a mum, how would you manage not being able to share with her that type of energy that you crave? If you believe you couldn't cope at all, it's worth considering giving her the opportunity to find a partner who could cope. If you're passionate about developing new ways to manage triggers in this area of challenge, graduating to higher levels of consciousness could be the next step in your personal evolution.

[dxpe]

Hi therising

Thanks for the thoughtful response. For the addiction part of things, its just something I've been considering as I've really opened myself up to the idea of basically anything at this point. I lean towards probably not being an addict as generally my s/o and I have a pretty standard or even slow sex life. But I don't mind it in the least. I'm very attracted to her we just have very busy lives and work schedules that go into the night quite often. So some behaviors aren't fully aligned with traditional addiction, but yes I'm bouncing the idea around.

I appreciate your insight on guilt vs regret. I think the very interesting dilemma is like you said "how will this serve her". My thoughts on that are: she gets the power of being fully informed before moving into marriage, she gets me with zero boundaries (sounds kinda narcissistic when I type it out lol) but by that I mean a me that's experiencing and feeling full intimacy, which is something I lack when I dwell on the past. My parents relationship is....interesting. I was never really good with intimacy, and honestly I don't think I knew what love was until I began spending my life with her. She's probably taught me everything there is to know about what its like to really truly love another person as a significant other. Then also of course, it serves both of us in the fact of "what if these infidelities, even one of them, are exposed later on". Well for her, she'll have known everything, and there is no blindside trauma in the future. As ridiculous as this sounds, i'd be giving her probably pretty bad trauma now to prevent horrific soul-crushing trauma in the future. This is just the only (I don't mean that in a diminishing sense) thing I've ever hidden from her, and if she were to find out from anyone but me then I think all hopes at trust would be truly out the window at that point. 

Thanks again.

[therising]

Hi dxpe

I can appreciate the honesty when it comes to full disclosure and giving her the opportunity to make a fully informed decision before going into marriage. The lead up to revealing these things is, I imagine, full of so many mixed emotions. Fear, torment and anxiety would be among the emotions churning around but there is also courage and an incredible love for her.

Emotions are fascinating things. I once heard emotion as defined as 'energy in motion that can be felt'. Whether it's all chemical energy, like dopamine, serotonin, cortisol, oxytocin (the love hormone) or natural energy where love is simply love and that's all there is too it, there's no denying that most of us are natural born feelers. While our ability to feel so easily, so deeply or so intensely can prove to be an exciting and rewarding ability at times, it can definitely be an ability that can also land us in trouble and a state of regret. It can be a challenge at times to master being able to feel our way through a situation or think our way through it or put our self somewhere in the middle on that spectrum that is from one extreme to the other. From pure feeling to pure analysis, it's an enormous spectrum, with so much to feel within it.

While I'm a gal who's never developed an interest in porn, there are plenty of other excitement related addictions I've struggled with over the years. While I was once addicted to the mental and physical excitement that alcohol can offer, I still struggle with an exciting addiction to food. So, from being an emotional drinker to being an emotional eater. It's all about feeling relief, excitement, a high, a difference and more. I've found it can also be about inner dialogue as well. While the saboteur in me can be dictating 'Imagine how excited Twisties and chocolate would make you feel' (to the point where I can be salivating)😁, the part of me that's helping me to reform myself sounds more like 'Your knees can't take the weight of your addiction anymore, plus consider the legend you are having so far lost 9 kilos on your way to becoming the healthiest version of yourself. Don't stop now. You own this'. I should add that with alcohol, it's harder to be more conscious. From my own experience, I'd say this is based on the sage in us, the analyst in us and other helpful parts of us being sedated. When drunk, the sage in us is not there to say 'Do not do what you're about to do. You will deeply regret it. Walk away, NOW!'. With the carefree part of us calling all the shots or something that leads us head on into temptation, it can be a very different story. In some cases, it's not infidelity that's the key issue, it's about addressing the drinking that leads to infidelity. It's about an altered state of consciousness. With each glass, each can or each bottle, the more we drink the less conscious we become until we become completely thoughtless (without thought). Waking up the next day, with a higher level of consciousness, thinking can then feel like hell on earth depending on what we've done.