Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

We;ve actually talked about just going on as we have last few mths, even getting married and just living this way for the foreseeable future for now, 3-4 yrs.

A bit of a you and m type thing l really l spose we'd call it.

l've seriously thought a lot about it last few mths

ln a way l wouldn't have minded it really bc l do like my space anyway.  Main thing lately though is her latest has come up so it'd be mostly me going up there and staying there's getting harder and harder and l've been thinking lately l can't go on wasting mths a yr cooped up there and last trip car troubles l'm seeing it's taking it's toll on the car and on me too of late. Means flying or train , she flies but could l be bothered, it's hard from where l live, split and be done with it , what..

None of that's her fault it's a really nice place inside and the best she can do but it is what it is nonetheless.

ldk l just feel at the moment of late l need to either close this book though and get on with life or just go on with more of the same could be forever.

Sometimes l get the feeling we're gonna reconnect again though later,on can't tell if it's real or not.

[randomxx]

Weird dream last night that l was living with someone else.

l don't think it was a premonitional type dream or any kind of vision , probably meant nothing really just a dream.

But still , it took into me to another world , time .

We were just such a natural and at home pair . The love was just a given , the fit, the together , the total at peace , the way we got along , all of it was just an obvious. No questions no nothing.

l've never been able to feel anyone else since gf and while l don't think the dream really meant much it could though be sign of finality mentally, an acceptance type thing that after ll this time and all the crap, things really are kaput and that maybe it's better that way.

[CMF]

I feel more and more that it's better to move on than hold ourselves back with people who stuff us around.  Hot/cold, on/off, wanna be together/don't wanna be together.  Time wasters,  both our eyes. Sorry for heing so blunt but all this one way crap is a joke 

[randomxx]

yeah l agree. last yr end of yrish was my dead line , if we hadn't sorted out the crap by then, then we'd best not go any further.

Mind you , actually doing something about it's another thing but l do still feel the same way.

And l'm beginning well on a good day anyway , to feel pretty firm about moving on atm lately.

We haven't talked in awhile and our last time was about all this and it wasn't easy but l think we're both resigned to it atm.

[randomxx]

But l am missing her like crazy.

[randomxx]

Don't you think about them all the time , wonder what they're doing , thinking, feeling, are they missing you , are they ok - always wondering that one in particular bc she's not in a great place atm not physically or mentally.

Feelin really lonely for her and all our chatter. lt's been daily life so long and we've just also been in ea others corner and just there to turn to day in and out for so long too. She was such a real partner like that bc even though her own stuff was never ending and often very heavy, health, made no difference if l had anything going on or was feeling especially low or troubles or whatever, she'd drop everything and support or call, google stuff to help, check in on you all day all night, all of it. She just amazed you like that so much to give even with her own constantly draining her.

Often at times like that she was so damn caring you had to find nice ways of slowing her off a bit bc you always knew she'd use up everything she had on you when she really didn't have it left in the tank on top of her own stuff.

l know in a lot of my stuff here it would usually sound all about her but nah no way, it was more that she just had a lot more and a lot of it was much more serious but when the tables were turned she couldn't do enough.

Mmmmm, we remember the good things during these times don't we hey , times like this you really need a reality check don't you, remind yourself of why things are where they are now.

We had a tiny chat last night- ha, about food would you believe out of the blue.l cracked a little bc she was making me these gorgeous wraps so nice l had to buy some and try it at home for myself.

She sent me long instructions on how to do them- well in my defence it wasn't just an excuse l'm a hopeless cook so l was gonna try making these when l got back home so nice.

Must admit was a bit disappointed it didn't lead into us talking again for days on end like the tiniest thing usually would l didn't really intend that l really did wanna know and she knew l was gonna try them when l got home.

She sounded really troubled and sad though, tired.  Now l'm worried about her.

[CMF]

I did think about him all the time. Wondering if he was put having fun, enjoying his single life like overseas. I'm starting to do this less now. He was never in my corner & caring like yours. It was me always in his corner & loving caring but the thing is he had sis for that . He preferred getting all that from her. From me he just wanted what she couldn't give. The intimacy. 

[randomxx]

yEAAH , Sorry to hear that cm, always seems to be someone throwing themselves at him being there or helping but their thing above you , just too wierd. although in other ways wouldn't mind some of that gift myself but then l push most people away like that anyway admittedly that place is reserved for that special person with me.

[randomxx]

Our last few wks together up at hers were really weird with this undertone hovering.

Can't shake the sadness still feel it and now on top of the latest.

We both knew it could be the end of the line we were gonna talk about everything but we just didn't feel like it weren't ready we agreed.

l suppose after all this time the glasses come of you know you've gotta be practical about differences though and real and could you live with them, really.

And then there was her new situation too but also me at the end of my tether staying there for too long now too.

l even thought at times look to hell with it just to hell with it all lets go buy a ring with real commitment comes acceptances , it's different., if love is real it'll be ok.

hmmm, l wonder right, dk.

And she'd have to walk away from everything she's achieved there now to bc l couldn't live there. Big ask after the hell she went through.

Sighs , just crazy thoughts spinning round and what if's.

[CMF]

Buying the ring is a huge step. Maybe it is what it is & has run it's course.  Maybe tge obstacles are a sign. I thought M & I were really meant to be together the way we reconnected after 30 years but there was his sister. The wall. Maybe not entirely her,  it was him too but she def got in the way.  All 6ft 3 of her. What if you but the ring & it's not enough? I think things need to be 100% in the right place before making that commitment. 

Hugs