Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[TheFarSide]

FS has used online dating (as have some friends as well).   I found it convenient and productive - like I said though you have to be aware that not everyone sees life like you do.  There can also be some questionable people.  But there's also good sorts on their as well.     

As an example I work in an environment where we all wear a uniform - we all look the same and have the same professional approach to our work lives together...  when we laugh at work or tackle a task it's our work persona's that take the lead...  but... take us away from the workplace to a setting that's after hours and in casual clothing.  Add to that no professional expectations you learn quickly that our colleagues have very different perspectives and expectations in their private world.  We are all different and unique - just gotta find what works for you.

In the end I found online dating sites a mixed bag but it opened up another avenue for possibility.  I dated a few and passed on a few.  Nothing more that I'd do through any other avenue of meeting people.  

When I say dated - most people just want to catch up for a coffee, walk the dog, have fish n chips in a public place... remember they feel at risk to some degree as well.

[TheFarSide]

With remarkable predictability and with the intensity of a flame thrower the BPD wife let fly today from out of nowhere.  It was somehow perceived that I had an issue with her. 

I can't even work out where that thought bubble in her head could've come from but in reality, it doesn't matter. 

It's just another excuse to take what was a relative space of calm and turn it into a tumultuous exchange of unnecessary words.   In some ways its almost laughable but in reality, it's also sad - sad to see that someone sees life like that through her eyes - but also sad that myself (and I would call myself a decent human being) has to endure these unwarranted and unnecessary flip outs.   I don't have to though - I know I should've already gone - that's the part in me I need to examine - the same part that keeps everyone in a place they know they shouldn't be for longer than they should be...

None the less I've seen these moments countless times.  Now that the exchange of heated words has passed, she will sleep in another room tonight and maybe the next few days.   Least I can look forward to a whole bed to myself (sorry if that sounds a bit 'meh' but it's just another turn of the cycle).   Over time these things just lose their sting.

[randomxx]

V sorry to hear that my friend but as you say , predictably no surprise either.

Nothing wrong with the bed to yourself either btw, as if you'd feeling like sleeping together.

Does she have a cycle ? The girl l knew you could set your watch by her cycles of the nice her and the bpd her. Once when she started l said well, it has been 3wks so no worries you do your thing let it rip. Mind you, it was no way as easily brush affable as that sounds her stuff also stung like all hell, but there were times l tried the not showing it not letting it get to me strategy. the strangest thing that always just amazed me was that anything new l'd try, only ever worked once or twice. l read they will literally invent knew ways around it and that's exactly what she'd do.

She didn't seem to realize it was so predictable though sometimes l wondered if she even realized she even did it or that anything was even wrong.

Has any of your research helped at all , found any methods that work ?

My brothers gf is l suspect bpd . l've never seen her go off in their 25yrs l actually really like her normal side which is the only her l personally know. But the way he describes it man, and he's come over a few times ready to get out and tearing his hair out but , 25yrs and he's still with her, Others have seen and heard her though, especially in the block of units where she lives.

Don't know if l'd give it the 25yrs that he has or if you'd want to do that bc nothings changed with her in that time, not one thing . They actually seem quite comfortable with ea other normally , but from what he says, that's only one side of the coin.

It is sad my friend, hell of a way to live, but l see the dilemma too.

rx

[TheFarSide]

There's an irregular frequency to it all. 

Nothing to set a watch by but certainly you get the 'spidey' sense thing when a storm is on the way. 

Thats said we are back to normal today though - apology and all first thing...  unusual for BPD but there you go - maybe that's progress.

If it wasn't for the total illogical escalation and intensity of the heat over something totally fabricated in the mind, I might have just chalked it down to a plain ole couple's disagreement and left it at that...

I did a ton of research on BPD and it has helped - early on in the relationship i wasn't as guarded with my emotions when her 'this isn't normal' stuff started to appear...  IT had a much bigger impact.  But I'm also fairly well rounded and nothing she did ever really stopped my self belief.  In that way I have it over her.   I have never lost any self confidence in who I am or what I can offer.

As time went on I learnt to self-insulate myself from the stuff that was 'out of the blue' a lot.  I can certainly feel things with other human beings but her flips don't have the same impact they once did.

Like I said before, I more question why I stay when logic says get the fruit out of here... sometimes it doesn't make sense and maybe that's ok...

These days I can definitely be more 'meh' about most of these flip outs - just like watching the same TV show episode over and over - it eventually loses its effect/impact - no matter the emotion the show is trying to illicit.

Anyway back to neutral ground again - all quiet on the western front and any day above ground.

[randomxx]

Nice to hear the peace is back again anyway mate but l could well understand the why stay. l couldn't myself but eh l'm far from an expert you've been at it far longer than l.

But nah , her stuff when l say stung, some of it yeah but like you l'm also very solid within myself and in who l am it wasn't that, more so though l guess bc she could just even say and think such things l suppose l'd describe it as..And of if she even believed or even remembered any of it herself, l was never sure but a few days later l'd be smothered in love and admiration - until next time. Which one was real, l was never sure.

That's at least one very big thing that she apologized though anyway so she actually realizes and acknowledges it then, even if she doesn't say as much.  Damn shame she won't go see someone in that case.

[randomxx]

On other notes, much has happened and been going on. l'll go into all that another time, huge changes though.

On gfx, nothing much, which is very weird, especially with everything else that's been going on.

Been over a wk since anything from her. l've felt this space, distance, eventuating more and more last few mths now so it's not like it's any surprise at all,; even planned it myself. lt jall just feels so strange though now that it's happening, especially with everything else been going on. lf she knew she'd fall of her perch.

Been wondering whether l should let her know or not. There's not really any obligational type reason to under the circumstances but ldk. l sort of feel like she has a right to know, even though l guess my life really has nothing to do with her anyway now right,  right ! - Take note rx.

[CMF]

I agree you probably shouldn't say anything as it will just start the talking again & you are trying to move on from that. 

I do understand that you feel you want to tell her cos she was part of your life for a long time & was the one you turned to.

You are right though,  it has nothing to do with her now 😒

[randomxx]

Hey cm ,and thx for the thoughts.

Yeah it's weird though in those sorta ways isn't it your huge parts of ea others lives , and then your not.

Anyway, spoke too soon , she called 2days back. Middle of the day, l'm sitting in a caravan up northern vic l've left my place and taken off in a van for awhile. That's been option b if we didn;t work out, few yrs now always told her l'd be moving later if we didn't and l wanted to do this for awhile too.

So anyway, cats out of the bag ha ha. Didn't turn out any dramas just felt very weird though.

Still thinks she's so sick and just doomed even though her doctors are so fed up with her they just tell her to go home, enough already, your fine. Not my monkeys now l suppose right.

How you been going anyway cm ?

[CMF]

Caravan eh. Nice! I'm ok. I just posted on one of my other threads that an old friend just reached out. We were really close friends during high school but never dated. He lives in Ireland with great wife, kids & family but he's just messaged out of the blue.

[randomxx]

rEALLY, shyt,l went and had a read. That'd all be too weird after all those yrs , the family and all now, another country to no less, don't know how l'd feel about it.

How did he end up over there anyway, does he like it ?

But yeah, so l'm caravaning. Sold off my share of my place to people l was in it with, it was a huge property, went in it with someone else back when.

Been thinking of leaving it awhile now and my d's old enough now and was ok about me going for this she wants out of the area too soooo, here l am.

l've just wanted out of all the bs in life in general a long time now, work too, just to minimize right down, even if just for awhile, before next move. l don't know how l'll like this or for how long but thinking until about mid next yr, then might look at getting a new place- can't be bothered with any of that right now but we see.

Anyway heard from gf through wk , ldk, she's so bloody full of it. That side of her always scared me and here it is. After a 2hr call text me of how much she loves me- oh go #### will ya. But of how sick she is and bla bla bla bla.

We're still all the same can talk for hrs and l dunno, most single women would kill to have the sorta stuff we just have but here she is too sick but loves me and ra ra ra.  Thought she be asking me up seems l'm halfway there but somethings changed with her place since and now it'd be even harder for me being there anyway - told me all about it but didn't ask l come, seems resigned to being too sick and doomed and l def' couldn't even handle staying there anyway now. The Gods have spoken it seems and l'm trying to take any of it grain of salt these days and thinking about my future.