Rejected

[Iwatbianoot]

Hubby and I have been together 3 years. For the past year getting him to have sex with me is like pulling teeth. He always uses the excuse that he’s significantly older than I therefore he’s tired...... I’m feeling rejected, unwanted and lonely. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he always comes back with “I warned you that I’m an old man when we got together” what do I do? I’ve tried to be understanding, tried to spice things up in the bedroom..... I’m always willing to “satisfy” him with a smile and love...... and I get nothing back. It feels like we are in a one sided relationship....

[Croix]

Dear Iwatbianoot~
I’d imagine it would be hard to come here and talk about this, it’s a very personal and loaded subject. I can understand if your husband has become reluctant to have sex with you for the past year or so it is natural to feel rejected, unwanted and as lonely as you do.

However before thinking along those lines are you sure this problem does not have a physical cause? If I was in your husband’s situation I’d think going for a check-up with my doctor would be the first port of call. There could be many physical reasons, some related directly to sexual performance and other more general health issues that reduce desire or ability as a by-product.

I know you said you talked to your husband about this and were told he was older and “what do I do?”. You husband may in fact not know what to do, so a check-up might be a start.

For many males talking about their sexual performance is difficult, and if there is a feeling of inadequacy it becomes that much harder. What may seem to you to be a rational open conversation may seem to him to be an accusation and a failure.

Once you are able to discount the medical side then would be the time to look at what was happening, any discernible causes and what to do.

Please don’t think I’m dismissing your concerns, just trying to approach the problem in the best way. I hope you continue to talk here and say what you think.

Croix

[Iwatbianoot]

THAnk for your insight Croix. I have Discussed the medical side of it with him as we are very open with each other. He said he wanted to go to the dr and get his health checked..... 6 months ago..... he signed up for the gym a month ago as he has a beer gut and has never gone....... I’m feeling like I’m putting 100% into going above and beyond to make him happy and I keep my physical appearance appealing to him and all he does is sit on the couch and drink..... he refuses to help himself and in turn it’s effecting his family. I love him and all this is no reason for me to concider leaving him..... but I’m feeling frustrated......

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi. It is definitely frustrating especially after a long term relationship when a person starts to let themselves go and not put in as much effort as they perhaps used to. Maybe you could ask him what he wants out of the relationship and how he feels about the fact that you want him to improve himself i.e. sexually, going to the gym etc. If he's drinking and sitting on the couch a lot that's definitely concerning, maybe you could suggest he speaks to a counsellor if he's lacking motivation and drinking. I think it's normal to feel frustrated, especially if you want a normal and healthy sex life. I definitely agree with Croix - talking to a doctor may be a good idea. Is there a reason he's feeling tired often? All these things you can discuss with a doctor and see what happens - I think sometimes people do get in a rut but don't lose hope especially if you still love him.

[Iwatbianoot]

Ive told him several times to go and talk to a councillor as he goes through stages of feeling down..... it usually comes up every time I tell him I’m feeling neglected...... I suppose all I can do is ask him again to go see a dr..... he says he’s tired all the time due to his work...... wich is driving around all day to jobs and on the phone to his staff. I’m getting to the stage where I just want to tell him “you’re just fat and lazy! It has NOTHING to do with our age gap!” But I don’t want to hurt him.

[Croix]

Dear Iwatbianoot~

Sometimes we are in the position to see things better than our partners and this does give an onus to take action. You are in that position now I guess, seeing a trend to inactivity and alcohol that your husband may not even be as aware of himself. This seems to go beyond the initial issue you had and may affect his long term health too.

While I know it is hard to hurt someone you love it might be a kindness in the long run to get your husband more active and to use alcohol less. You know him, and I'd imagine can press a little without going overboard. A checkup and maybe joint exercises might be something to aim for.

I've found I'd do things for my health out of concern for my partner, hopefully his love and concern for you will come to the fore and he will cooperate for your sake.

Croix

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Iwatbianoot, maybe you could say something like "I've noticed you feel down when I say I feel neglected, I think that talking to a professional about this would be very beneficial for their relationship." As Croix said, if he's not going to seek help for himself maybe he can seek help for the sake of the relationship.

[Iwatbianoot]

Just an update..... 8 month later and hes still the same if not worse....... I'm going crazy........... also did I mention that he decided we should try of a baby........almost a year ago......... I've always said I will do ANYTHING to make him happy.... even if it destroys me....... and this time it actually is destroying me. I love him so much but it's getting to the poi g where I'm resenting him...... what's wrong with me???

[Croix]

Dear Iwatbianoot~

Well I'm sorry it has not been working and have got to the stage of asking "what's wrong with me?". Wrong question. I'm afraid to be blunt you are a very giving person but are not getting much in return.

You've said he will just "sit on the couch and drink", and while he might pay lip service to the idea of the gym and the doctor nothing happens. Being tired from work is not a reason for neglect, either of you or himself. It is reason for him to take steps to cope physically and mental better which takes determination and effort.

I"m sure trying to hold in those words "you’re just fat and lazy! It has NOTHING to do with our age gap!" is getting harder and harder. When I make an effort for someone, I expect at the back of my mind that at some stage a return effort will be made.

I'm not talking of an exact accounting style balance, just being able to see there is care and appreciation and for me to receive as well as to give. If that does not happen when opportunities have been present then I think I'm behaving like a servant and am being treated accordingly.

In that case anger and resentment builds up. No surprise!

I can only offer thoughts, not solutions. I think your husband needs to take your needs and care seriously, and make a considerable effort. How you get him to do that I don't know. I do know that your first step is to see you are not at fault and need to have limits. What do you think about this?

Having a baby is something else again, falling pregnant to please someone, which many have done, is something, if it was me, I'd think more about as there will be a third person in the equation. Again I'm not suggesting anything other than request you be sure of what you personally want.

It occurs to me to mention I'm a mild sort of person but on occasions anger has allowed me to say things otherwise I would not have, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Croix

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[Iwatbianoot]

My last post got edited as it was "inappropriate" as you can probably imagine what it contained. Having a baby is what we want. Me more than him I guess as he takes other avenues to look after his own needs. This is what bothers me most. Especially because he has admitted that it's too much effort for him to..... how do I put it? It's too much effort for him to take care of my needs. So he looks after his. I only as what's wrongwith me asthis is my second marriage and the first was the same...... I was too much effort.....