People pleaser and self loather - how do I stop feeling guilty when friends wrong me?

[Stillflying]

I don't really want to go into the details because I dont want it to turn into a debate about what I should or shouldn't have done, other friends have weighed in and said they overreacted and got personal and cruel.

I don't have a diagnosis of anything specific but I see a psychologist for anxiety and depression related symptoms that mostly only manifest in bigger issues at work. I had an overly critical and mood swinging mother so I get really sensitive to other people's bad moods.

Does anyone have any tools or reading I could have a look at about how to let go of bad emotions after a fight with a friend? I feel like there's an emotional side and logical side of me and while I've said constantly to myself, you can't control other people, you can only control how you react, after a fight about something stupid where someone has said something really cruel and unfair to me, all I can keep doing is circling on the argument and feeling guilty like I've done something wrong, but logically I know I haven't. For whatever reason, they were in a bad mood or stressed and snapped at me.

I can't logic myself out of feeling shitty and guilty and like I've caused it, I've tried to accept I couldn't do anything different, but its hanging around like a grey aura and making me feel like I can't do any of the hobbies I like to take my mind off it, and can't stop feeling like I hate myself and I'm worthless and I just can't watch TV or crochet, or read a book. I feel trapped in a vortex of misery.

I can't resolve it because they've blocked me on social media and to be honest its probably not a good time so soon after to try and fix it. I don't know what to do, or what CBT or mental health lessons or books to read about the above type of thing.

I've tried deep breathing exercises and grounding exercises, my next appointment isn't for another two weeks, that feels so far away right now. I'd welcome any ideas or even any stories from someone that knows what I'm talking about here.

[Bob_22]

Hi Stillflying,

Thanks for reaching out here and sharing your story. I've been in a similar position to you where someone has snapped at me and harrassed me after which I was in an elevated state, angry and anxious for a while.

For me, I found going to the gym and going for a run was really helpful as it helped me release the adrenaline and clear my mind. It will be good to talk to your psychologist in two weeks to discuss what happened and debrief and emotions that came up as a result. Guilt is a difficult emotion to manage, especially for someone with depressive symptoms, but being able to rationalise things and get someone else's perspective will help alot. It also helped me to learn how to forgive myself.

If you are experiencing any anger as a result there is a good thread available on this site about management strategies if you are interested in having a look.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/helpful-strategies-for-anger/td-p/102326#qjFf2XHzvG... 

Hope this helps.

Bob

[therising]

Hi Stillflying

I think we're multifaceted creatures. Like with you pointing to the pure analyst in you vs the more feeling facets, there can also be that people pleaser in us, the self loather, the adventurer, the harsh critic and a whole stack of other facets. One of my personal favourites would have to be the wonderer in me. That part of me will wonder about pretty much anything. What it also gives me the ability to do is wonder out loud at people. 'I can't help but wonder why you would say something so cruel' or 'I can't help but wonder why you would make fun (of me) in such a way that it leads me to feel so upset? I wonder how you'd see that as fun?'. The kind of response that used to really bring me down was 'You're way too sensitive'. These days I wear my sensitivity label proudly, as opposed being led to feel ashamed of it or 'weak'. These days my response to that may be 'Of course I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense cruelty when I feel it?'. Get a stack of people who can sense easily in one room and they'll all sense cruelty if it's there. On the other hand, get one sensitive person in a room full of cruel people and that sensitive person can be led to believe that feeling is just in their imagination. If there's one thing that will get in the way of us learning to trust our feelings it's being led to self doubt. While the people pleaser in me would never wonder out loud at someone, the wonder filled facet of me genuinely has to know the answer to something. It's not about confrontation, it's about pure wonder and enjoying a sense of knowing.

You also mentioned having gotten into the practice of reading your mum, based on her moods. Do you think you may have gotten into the practice of reading others too? I think sometimes a situation can become a matter of 'Why am I feeling so angry?' or 'Why am I feeling so stressed?', when in reality it's another person's anger or stress you can be feeling, not your own. Hope that makes sense.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Some great replies already.

I have a little reading for you.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088#:~:text=That's....

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/control-your-life/td-p/296113

regards TonyWK