Restless and on the verge of cheating

[Matty321]

Hi

I am a 52 year old female currently off work due to illness. I have recently started hrt replacement. I am married to an amazing husband for almost 30’years and have two grown kids. Of recent it’s like I have metamorphosed into a different persons. I am absolutely horny and wanted to have a sexual liaison with someone other than my husband. Admittedly we don’t have a great sex life and he is really trying to please me and improve. However I’m attracted to other men and recently approached a younger guy at gym for a hook up. Fortunately he did not respond but yeh rejection is making me feel more low. I now made contact with my first lover from 30 years back whom I lost my virginity to. He is super eager to reconnect as he is divorced. He lives in a different country and has no appeal to me. But I love the excitement and thrill of this and without it I’m feeling deeply depressed. Despite

knowing I have so much to lose I am still wanting this so badly.it’s almost like I’m playing with fire and want to get burned.

I know if I cheat I can’t go back and it will haunt me but without this excitement I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to or even live. I’m so tired of life.I’ve tried to be sensible blocked the ex today after he said he loves me still and also avoiding the gym guy I propositioned to. So embarrassed when I see him too. Any advice would be great as i am contemplating counselling. Thanks

[Croix]

Dear Matty321~

Welcome here to the Forum. It was a good move on your part and you may get to see other perspectives. I would agree that risking a 30 year marriage with an 'amazing husband' would be a sad deal though I can also understand a much increased sex drive that cannot be satisfied at home is a powerful incentive to form liaisons elswhere.

I guess one thing you might like to consider is if you current state is caused by the HRT medication(s) you are taking. Medications can change one's outlook and even promote risk taking.

I remember a long time ago I was prescribed an antidepressant new on the market. It certainly changed me to someone who was far too overconfident and prone to risk taking. Even my driving was affected. Normally a conservative driver - this made me a speed hog.

When the medication ceased due to these symptoms I returned to my previous state. (Not surprisingly the drug was later removed from the market)

One of the main problems was of course I did not notice the difference in myself until later and thought everything was A-OK.

Can I suggest that you have a long discussion wiht your doctor about possible side effects of your meds before you do anything irreversible? It may be an alternate regimen or dosage strength may still accomplish the HRT functions without excessive changes.

It may well be you can continue to have an interest in life wihtout having to make such a drastic choice.

I'd very pleased if you came back and said what you thought.

Croix

[Matty321]

@craix thanks very much for this reply. I really appreciate it and value the advice given. I have been thinking about talking to our doctor it’s a little catch 22 as both hubby and I see the same dr. Lol but of course it’s confidential so should be fine if I have a detailed chat as I’ve only been on hrt for two months .so your reply is very valid indeed. When I was one month  into the hrt I did mention to the dr that I felt like a teenager and he mentioned I sounded a tad bit manic but we didn’t follow it further.

Today I felt very down about blocking the old flame and despite deleting him from my contacts,  I now feel sad and lost without the anticipation and excitement that has been keeping me buoyant. 
I am still very much thinking of the gym person as he is more easily accessible and a recent glance and hi is something that’s keeping that afloat. As you said I really need help before I do something irreversible. Also valid in your reply is the mention of anti depressant which dr has been keen to put me on due to my mood fluctuations. But I’ve been adamant I don’t want more meds and am trying all other aspects such as mindfulness yoga and exercise to keep afloat. 

Sorry to ramble on again. Main thing is I will take on board your advice and let you know how that goes over the next few weeks. Thanks @craix

[Croix]

Dear Matty321~

I'm glad you are going back to see your doctor, and if he noticed something before it might make matters easier to understand now.

When I was on that particular A/D I did not realise how much influence they were having and looking back was shocked at the change in my behaviour.

That's not to say all A/Ds are harmful. I've been on one for years now and it suits me, is reasonably effective and does not have side effects. For me going off it would be a disaster going back to the old life, then again everyone reacts differently.

I would like to know how you get on

Croix

[therising]

Hi Matty321

One rabbit hole, when it comes to menopause in general can involve western understanding and treatments, which is more so about chemistry, biology, psychology and such. This will more so involve meds to balance hormone imbalances and making greater sense of different mental challenges. In western cultures menopause is seen as a problem and, yes, it can definitely be problematic.

Another rabbit hole, involving eastern culture, looks at things in a very different way. It can see a woman as fully coming into her energy/power around the age of 50. Yoga (a form of energy management) can definitely be a handy tool in this case. The concept of Kundalini (where in Hindu tradition energy gradually works its way up the body), has that energy beginning at the base which relates to identity. An increase in energy leads to intense questioning of identity ('Why am I here? What's my purpose? Is this the life I want/really identify with?' etc). Next is the triggering of the point which relates to sexuality, pleasure and creativity. Energy surges here can relate to urges. Intense amounts of energy have side effects (if you catch my drift). Next up comes energy that relates to self esteem and confidence. Further along come matters of the heart. Forms of self expression come next and on it goes with energy expressing itself through and up the body. Energy in motion = Emotion. Lots of energy can be felt and expressed in a whole lot of different ways.

When east meets west there is

1)A strong need for grounding and self identification vs a lost sense of self, 2)a strong need to express excitement, creativity and sexuality vs erratic behaviour and sexual issues, 3)a strong need for self empowerment vs low self esteem, 4)a strong need to understand matters of the heart vs anger and intolerance toward everyone who's heartbreaking and/or increased levels of compassion/feeling for others, 5)a strong need for a liberating verbal forms of self expression vs telling it how it is while taking no prisoners (aka being mean, challenging and difficult) etc etc. Looking at everything in bold, all that describes menopause.

As a 53yo gal, I much prefer the eastern take on things. Sounds far more empowering in my opinion. I like to imagine the hot flushes to be 'power surges' as we come more into our power.😁 Wondering how your husband would feel about the 2 of you exploring new forms of sexual energy between yourselves. So much to explore. There are shops dedicated to that kind of exploration, seriously triggering the imagination. Some folk don't explore that kind of stuff until they hit their 50s and they finally feel the urge/surge.😊

[Matty321]

@croix apologies for spelling your name incorrectly. I appreciate your replies and advice. I have tried Antidepressants a while back but felt so numb and zombie like. 
just to update had a try at satiating this urge I’m feeling from my wonderful hubby to no avail and this has left me more on the edge than ever. So miss the chase of something new and can’t help feeling the adrenaline rush  of a seasoned lover! Gosh I feel so awful just saying it. Will keep you updated and apologies about oversharing but it feels good to be able to tell someone. Appreciate this.

[Matty321]

@therising OMG!! Who are you!!! This is so on the spot with everything I’m feeling. Without giving too much away lol I am from an eastern background brought up in western culture. I’m familiar with  all you write about and feel that yes my chakras are in play esp with

my sacral and heart chakras! I’m going to read And re read all of your post!! So enlightening! 
trying with hubby bought some lingerie and a sex toy for our anniversary coming up but hope he doesn’t die of shock. Conservative eastern background too!! But the thing is he is trying and oh too sweet and wonderful but with menopause and the hrt it’s almost like the nicer he is the worse I get !!

and I’ve read  sometimes a lot of divorce etc occurs in these years and women take on a younger lover to live their best lives. I won’t do that but just to cheat with once right now would do me hence the post I put up. Maybe we were not meant  to be with the same person for so long ?? Is humans and me with silly first world problems. Sorry to ramble. Appreciate you input will see my Dr next week and let you know how I go. Right now just wishing for a secret liaison physical only like a young horny teen. Who have I become???

[therising]

Hi Matty321

You led me to smile when I read your post. Glad you could relate to the energy centres. I love the concept of 'Kundalini Awakening'. There's meant to be a lot of primal power in that, hence why it feels so intense and incredibly energising and a little out of control at times. While I have a love of both science and spirituality, when it comes to how we tick and how life works and the connection between the 2, I think what it comes down to sometimes is finding what works best for us under the circumstances. Kind of like 'What would it serve me to imagine?' or 'What could it not hurt to imagine?'.

That chakra business can be a tough one to work out at times. Just when you think 'All this feels very sacral-like', you could actually be working from the heart (the ways of love and self love). 'I love life, I love being alive, I love my energy and the feeling of wanting to express it, I love my imagination, I love being me. Oh my gosh, I think I love myself. I didn't know I could love myself this much (in a non egotistical way). This is really exciting'. Then comes the fine tuning: 'I will love fully yet carefully, I will love respectfully in the ways of respecting myself and others in my life, I will love my energy and imagination, enough to manage them consciously and skillfully' and the list goes on.

I think when something in us wakes up, we become more conscious and more energised. With your recent purchase, sounds you might shock your husband awake a little 😂. You'll be able to enjoy waking up together. Might take him a little while to catch up to your level of energy or perhaps keep up or maybe he'll surprise you with his level of energy and enthusiasm. As you come to life more and more, maybe you will lead him to come to life in a whole variety of new ways.

If there is one thing, besides wonder, that absolutely fuels the imagination it's high levels of energy. While you can clearly imagine a one time fling with that younger guy, it may be hard to 'ground' yourself out of what you imagine, based on it raising the level of energy in every cell in your body. That feeling can be extremely addictive (the feeling of being fully alive), sometimes leading us in the wrong direction. Perhaps true north involves seeing how high your husband can take you and you can take him.🙂

[Matty321]

@therising

Thanks very much for Replying and apologies if I’m inundating you with info and long messages. It feels good to release all that I’m thinking and feeling via this. 

To update you and pertinent to your post, both last night and this morning I had lengthy discussions with hubby. He is wonderful but unfortunately he is also surprised at how I have ‘changed’ and this ‘new’ me is seeming to disappoint him. Without wanting to point blame he has low libido and although he quickly gains his satisfaction when I initiate sex, he is not realising that I am not receiving any release. The conversation turned to him asking if I was attracted to other men atm?

I affirmed this to an extent but not with full details. He states that he is more happy growing old mellowing and not with sex being the way I’m asking for it. Also remember I am home and he is the sole breadwinner atm.

I shudder with guilt to think how he would react if he knows about ex bf and me propositioning gym guy!

I have decided to stop with trying anything new or untoward with hubby. He’s quiet and angry with me atm. Things are tense. I feel

extremely saddened.

I also haven’t mentioned on these posts that both time on my hands and the hrt has resulted in me becoming a gym Junkie so to speak. I’m exercising heavily and walking over 10000 daily, yoga x4 per week. This has both transformed my body so much as well as been imperative to keep my mood buoyant. Days that I miss this exercise, like today, I am slumping into a down depressive mood.

I’ve thought about the pros and cons and my marriage and husband have more pros. I don’t want to spend my latter years alone and I owe these last years more-so to my husband. He’s been supportive and phenomenal for years.

So I am thinking way forward is :

1. See dr explain all this
2. Maybe some therapy
3. Stop hrt
4. Go back to old ways who I used to be less exercise gym etc
5. Reduce ( idk how) the longing for sex and be content and comfortable with just growing older together and in each others company.                           Needless to say easier said than done but I need to control my mind and urges. A little bit of a challenge.

Thoughts? Please if you have time. 

Ps also wanted to mention one dilemma I’m faced with daily is Mr gym person literally lives a road away from me which has led to me almost stalking him. Another thing I need to wean myself off. Phew I’m stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. 
thank you for you support @therising. So grateful for this space.

[therising]

Hi Matty321

It's good that you're able to talk with each other. Understandable that certain emotions will come up. Being a new challenge, also understandable how new and perhaps unidentifiable emotions might come up along with maybe some old familiar ones.

Disappointment can be a tough process to deal with. I found it became a little easier once I managed to better define 'disappointment': 'I appoint you this role. I give you this role to fill'. Everything's fine as long as that role's being filled/appointment's being met but when it's not, there is a dis-appointment process that can be felt on so many levels at times (when they can't be filled or met anymore for one reason or another). Even tougher is when one out of the couple starts to wake up to so much of what's joyful, exciting/energising, adventurous, fulfilling and sensational in life and the other is much happier with the old comfortable roles being filled. Not just talking about intimacy here, talking about life in general. This is something I found happened with my husband and myself. While we started off as great drinking buddies who enjoyed the same basic things in life, about 25 years later I no longer drink, we have 2 kids who have led me to evolve well beyond who I used to be and we have very little in common. As I woke up in a lot of new ways, I found my husband still loves the old ways. It kind of feels like waking up to the kid in you, full of energy and a longing for adventure and that kid is saying 'Come play with me. Please come play' but our best friend/partner doesn't want to play or they'd much prefer to play in the same old part of the playground, a part we've grown out of to some degree.

I think, when we evolve, the seer in us evolves too. The seer in us can lead us to see everything through our imagination. So, with the seer in me having developed, my husband's mantra of 'I just want us to grow old together' has me seeing nothing but 2 wrinkled grey haired people sitting in front of the tv together, sipping on beers and only going out to the same old restaurants within a 5 to 10km radius. Personally, I have a longing to grow young together with him.

Sounds like you've got a plan lined up, which is good. Perhaps that's the seer in you in play, leading you to see a number of ways forward. Maybe with the sexual energy, can you see the gym as offering a workout of that hyperactivity, maybe even a different gym with less temptation? Perhaps certain yoga practices and research in managing or channeling sacral energy might help. With the feeler in you sounding well and truly alive, if you were to get a better feel for your husband's anger, what would you say it feels like? Perhaps there are some mixed emotions there. Maybe some disappointment with you having dis-appointed yourself from certain easy going roles he likes, mixed with some resentment for working so hard and not having the amount of energy expected after a long day's work, mixed with a sense of betrayal (learning you no longer only have eyes for him). Maybe there's sadness mixed in, regarding how the relationship's feeling at the moment, mixed with him perhaps dealing with some of his own stuff too.

With super amounts of hyperactivity, when we were young our parents would tend to ground us out of that. Now the challenge becomes 'How do I ground myself out of that to some degree?'. Even more important...'How do I ground myself out of that without going underground (into a depression)?'.