Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

[Speakforchange]

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

[Speakforchange]

Hello lovely!

Haha our stories are like twins... exactly the same... I am glad you didn't have the layer I had of living together, because moving out and uprooting your life is another horrible thing to have to deal with. I am 2 weeks nearly 3 of no contact since the horrible message he sent me... I am not even tempted to send my message of closure to be honest. Yeah I know... I am being so strong and really trying to move forward and totally agree that we may never fully understand why which is the hardest part.

It is DEFINITELY not you or the relationship it was and definitely is our partners who clearly have a lot of psychological issues and things they need to deal with as an individual to ever be with anyone.... I know for a fact that if I were to write down things he did not so well in the relationship there would be a couple of things and for me, I know no one is perfect but I was honestly a great partner, selfless and loving and caring. I am so glad we are slowly coming through that crowd. Enjoy your weekend with the girls!!!

[LeeA18]

It’s the weekend again, which means my anxiety is through the roof. I kept myself occupied yesterday but it seemed to resent it’s uybhead last night.

I just feel stuck. I feel like I have made improvements but then I have a day where I just feel stuck and want answers. When your boyfriend didn’t communicate that well during the break up, gave you mixed messages afterwards and then blocks and withdraws from you like you meant nothing to him, that hurts. Maybe I nagged him too much when I wanted answers and that’s why he blocked me. That’s the frustrating thing, he hasn’t even explained this. Just was passive aggressive. It’s frustrsting.

i have decided that I will be sending my email in about a month. I am sick of tip toeing around his feelings. To him, this all makes sense. To me, it’s confusing as hell.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

i hope the email goes well. It is very difficult especially when your sorbet/ex partner has difficulty/doesn’t want to communicate. My partner and I have spoken recently and he understands the importance of communication. However this is something he needed to realise himself, and if in future he chooses to withdraw again then that is on him.

I have realised that I don’t want to be with someone who does not need me. If he is in a time of need and chooses to withdraw from me then it makes me feel useless and upset. I think he understands this now but I will have to wait and see

i understand how weekends would be difficult because they’re usually the time when we can bond the best and do things together . Keeping yourself busy and preoccupied is the best, although I know how difficult this is

There will definitely be good and bad days. However, it is important to take each day at a time. Just because today is bad does not mean tomorrow will be! I’ve tried to tell myself this , and although it may not help at the time it is best to take things as they come

i hope you’re all coping better and I’m sure that you’ve all made the best choices for yourselves

puppies

[LeeA18]

Thanks Puppies. I am thinking that email is less pressure for him as well. If he doesn’t reply, that’s ok. That’s on him. I will just look at it as me moving on.

i like your advice about taking it one day at a time. It’s so true 🙂

[Puppies]

You don’t have to answer, but what were you considering saying in the email? Is it more so just for closure for yourself? Like you just want to write your feelings down and tell him so that he can do what he wants with that information? Because if that’s the case then I think that’s a good idea. If you’re ready to move on then perhaps a response is not what you want, or if you get a response the ball is then in your court!

and yeah I find it hard to take things one day at a time. But when I can I try to remember that one bad day is only one bad day and that the days following will not be the same!

keep us updated about sending that email!

puppies

[LeeA18]

He got cold feet when it came to me about to move in with him. He handled it really badly. I had resigned from my job, started to pack my house up and even asked him a couple of times if he was still ok with it, including the night before he told me he couldn’t go through with it. I was good about it and took it off the table. He did it via text, and in a really cold way by saying “this move is messing with my head”. I don’t think he was reading what I was saying. Then he stonewalled me so I wasn’t able to talk about it any further. It was an easy fix but he continued to spiral and there was no communication. The entire time I walked on eggshells and didn’t say anything to upset him. 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then there was a whole heap of mixed messages from him for a month afterwards. Then he picked his dog up (which I looked after for 6 months, including 5 weeks after he broke up with me....don’t know what that was about) and he dropped off the face of the earth. So it is just about how I was feeling during that time.

it was quite an upsetting time for me. I put him and his needs before my own. Which was detrimental to my own mental health.

i have started to realise that he can’t be in a relationship when he has such deep seeded commitment issues. Only he can sort that out, with the help of a professional, and definitely not while he is in a relationship.

[LeeA18]

And also, on the day he broke up with me, I also saw him send a text with a love heart and kiss to someone. He saw me see that and At the time he said he was messing around with a mate the night before and they were telling each other they loved each other as a joke. I didnt think much of it. Later on I then saw 2 pictures that were created with his initials loves someone else’s initials. The other pic had “I love you”. About a month ago I have asked him about the text I saw. He explained it as being nothing, honestly and his godfathers daughter having a tough time. I never mentioned the 2 pictures I saw. Then 5 days later he blocked me from Instagram, a week after that from Facebook. Suss as hey. So I will be telling him about the pictures I saw and telling him that this was something he had feared someone would do to him. This is the only confrontation thing. I need to get it off my chest.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

Yes I do remember reading about that text which was quite disturbing. I don't understand why he would do that, and I don't understand why someone would choose to lie about things like that. It would hurt you both less if he was just honest, even if that meant breaking up. Wouldn't it be harder for him to hold onto something that he wasn't 100% in on anyway? And if there was a 'secret' that he was keeping, then what motivated him to pursue something else?

I totally understand why you'd want to email him. Even if it's the last contact, at least you would know that he knows how you feel, regardless of whether he cares or not.

My partner and I have also considered moving in together, and I don't think he has cold feet, it's more just that he wants to be mentally healthy before we take that step together. It would be a nightmare if he had a depressive episode and we were living together, especially because we're still young.

I guess it's best that this happened for you now, rather than (as said above), once there was living together, marriage, or kids involved. It's also good that you were only together for a short time, rather than being years down the track/married and then finding out he's not as committed as first thought. I know it still hurts a lot, but at the very least you're now ready to find someone so much better for you!

Again, I'm sorry this happened for you, but I'm glad you're all on the path to healing and moving forward!

- puppies

[LeeA18]

I am glad that it happened now and not later in the future. It just doesn’t make sense to me too cause he is against cheating as it’s happened to him twice. No red flags. Nothing. So it’s a strange one.

i highly recommend taking your time with the big life decisions. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have agreed to it even though he was the one that was mentioning it constantly. If it does happen, keep asking him if he is sure. Reassure him that nerves and a little bit of anxiety is normal.

[Puppies]

Yeah there have been a few times over the years where we’ve considered moving but because we met when we were young and are still in uni etc, it’s probably going to take a while to get to that stage anyway

We’ve been together over 4 years but as I said I think we’re just focusing on his mental health and saving money at the moment. We definitely haven’t, and won’t, rush into things

Do you know that he was cheating? Or are you going to find out in your email?