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Outcast or nah?

Xavius
Community Member

Since my latest bout of depression and anxiety, I've had a tough time in my mind trying to handle friendships and family relationships. Everything just feels so superficial and I feel as if I'm a burden on everyone I meet.

While I was still employed, I met a few guys which I got along with but the contact has ceased because of the social anxiety and panic I feel. I tried making contact with one person and we share a few texts every couple weeks. But I struggle to find the words while texting him and adds to the feeling of not having a true friendship.

I feel the same way with my mother. I love her to bits but I can never hold a conversation with her. She may say something about someone else, but in my mind it feels as if the negative things she says are directed at me and my mind hits a total blank. She does ask how my mood is and she is very supportive of my condition, but I always tell her I'm fine or I'll be alright. While deep down I'm hoping something happens to me.

I've never been close to any of my brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews. I feel like the outcast of the family and I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can deflect this hopeless feeling.

Peace & love

3 Replies 3

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Xavius

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB) forums. You'll find us a bunch of caring, friendly, supportive and respectful of privacy, people. While we're not counsellors or

How I feel for you. Such a sad place to be - feeling the outcast of your family. I think sometimes, having depression and anxiety distorts thinking.

People are interesting, some are close to others, some are not. Myself for instance - I'm very much a loner and found another loner to share my life. So this has been good. I have contact with my two brothers but fairly sparse and sporadic. Just because people are family does not mean that you share the same interests, beliefs or values. Our family differs significantly. I do keep up social activities, but rarely are the encounters very close.

Rather than viewing yourself as an outcast, I think you may be a loner. And this is all okay. Be gentle on yourself. Learn that it's okay to have 'ME' time. I have so much ME time.

Also, just checking in with you. Have you been to see your GP and/or therapist recently about depression and anxiety? May need to look at what's happening with you at the moment.

Please let us know how you're travelling.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Xavius
Community Member

Hi PamelaR,

Thanks for the reply.

I suppose I am being really hard on myself and shouldn't take things so seriously. When you mentioned being a loner, it triggered a flashback of sorts where I thought about how I am with people. I'm very quiet. A 'thinker' of sorts. So pretty much, a loner, as you say.

I struggle a bit with social anxiety. Meeting new people in person is really tough and scary. I'm always paranoid around people and even when I'm alone at home, especially when I hear any kind of noise or see movement, it has to be investigated. I've been hurt by people who I let in, but I guess I shouldn't judge everyone by that standard. It's difficult not to.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist every month and it does help here and there. I've also been in and out of hospital a few times in the last 6 months. I don't feel like going back so the forums seemed to be a good place to get my frustrations out. I might have to see a GP about the paranoia though, as my condition might be developing.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

All the best

Xavius

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Xavius

Yes, I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's okay to be gentle with yourself. Especially since you've been in hospital a few times the last 6 months. Was it anything serious?

Pleased to hear you have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Hopefully this helps you move on.

I find it easy meeting new people. In fact I like to meet new people and often will start chatting to people in the supermarket. On the other hand though, I need to escape people's company when I've taken something they have said the wrong way. So everyone experiences anxiety in a different way. Mine can start from watching something on tv, hearing something on the news or reading terrible tweets.

About being scared at home - I'm okay in the house because I always have all the security doors locked, have security screens on all windows, dogs on either side of our property that bark at anything that moves. So I have made myself feel safe. If I didn't have the security screens, or dogs barking, I too would be afraid. So you are not alone. I don't think this is being paranoid. Security in the home is something that is recommended.

Let us know how you go with your psychiatrist's appointment. Or just if you want to get out more frustrations.

Kind regards

PamelaR

When someone we don't know comes to our crimsafe door, we don't unlocked it. We talk to them through the door.