Need advice please should I stay or move out

[Sam_K]

I don’t know what to do. Feeling really depressed. I have been married 7 years and have two kids one is 6 and second one is just 1 year old . We had a lot of arguments all these years. To start with consider me as worst person in the world so doesn’t sound like I am only blaming her . My wife have temper and can go off at anytime on anything if she thinks it’s wrong and even if I don’t mean it or something was not done deliberately. In our arguments I have said the worst and she did too . I used to stay quite and didn’t say anything back. But everyone have limit but she is always on the limit. I slap her once which was nearly four years ago because she was pushing and shoving me but I have been hit probably about hundred time before this incident and after . But I never hit her after that. One morning I was woken up by slap because her friend and her decided to send me message on yahoo messanger and she thought I did not tell her but I did not even know and I was not even using yahoo messanger and it was more than four years ago. I worked away few time and had to go away but I have never cheated on her or even talked to any women the way I am not supposed to. But I m confessing I have watched porn while I was away . When I was away I went out for drink with 60 yo and 40+ . And I did not told her I was going to the pub with them because he had argument before I left and I was slapped but I still called her that night after few drinks but she got angry because I did not tell her and to this day it’s thrown on my face . But she always says I am doing things behind her back . But I am willing to go through lie detector to prove I have not done anything. My wife had a lot of sexual partners before me ans had kids before me and but when we met I told her I don’t want to know anything about it. It’s past. But I heard a lot after that even number of partner she had which is pretty high . But I still did not care and We had second child after that so our first child doesn’t miss out on us and hopefully that will put bit trust in the relationsh

[MsPurple]

HI SamKasa and welcome to the BB forums

It sounds like you are in an destructive relationship. It sounds like you both have done things you both regret.

I am not sure if you should leave your wife or not. But I really suggest you see someone regarding this. Maybe couples therapy (if you want to resolve the issues). If not then I still recomend it because transitioning on married life to divorsed can be emotionally difficult on anyone and it could be good to have someone to talk to regarding this.

Sorry I am not the most experienced in relationships (I haven't had a serious relationship in a while). But communication and understanding is key and it sounds like you both are on different pages. Hitting is not a good way of communication or letting ones frustration out. You need to let your wife know that this isn't acceptable. If you see a psychologist they can help you discuss this in a productive way. They are non-judgmental and can really help

[Croix]

Dear SamKasa~

You have given a pretty clear picture of how things are at the moment, lots of strife. The title of your thread asks should you go or stay.

May I ask what you want? Maybe you do wish to end the relationship, or maybe you want it to continue without the strife. It certainly sounds as if it can't keep on going as it is.

Until you say what you'd like to happen it is pretty hard to make suggestions.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello SamKasa, welcome to the site.

Before a couple meet, go out and then marry/de facto it doesn't matter how many people the other person has gone out with, that's no concern because now you decided to be together.

If you are having arguments, a second baby isn't going to give you trust, sure you have a commitment to each other, but in 3 or 4 years time it won't provide any assurance between the two of you to stay together, but what it does is obligate you to a financial responsibility.

If your wife wants to slap you, this can't happen, if it was the other way around I would detest it and then suggest alternatives for the female and what they should do, so is this the same?

Watching porn while you were away, well there are many different degrees, but once it's mentioned people naturally believe it's the other end of the spectrum if I can say it that way.

If she pushes, shoves and slaps you, personally this shouldn't happen and maybe needs to be addressed by her doctor/counsellor, however, if this does still continue, then a decision needs to be made.

That's what I would say to a wife who was being physically abused by her husband because she has to be kept safe.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Sam_K]

I would like to stay and raise kids together but I can’t spend another year in arguments. I feels stressed, depression and anxiety most of the times . My fitness level is zero , I get less sleep and I am pretty much cut out from my friends . I went to see cricket once in 7 years with my friends and I was in trouble because I did not take her and kids but she don’t like sports and never wanted to go to the city for fireworks because of the kids need to stay up and I thought the same because we had 10 months old baby and it’s gonna be loud with 40000 people in the stadium.

On the new year night , we were camping . People were loud and we could not sleep well . I decided to get up before 4 and make cup tea . Instead of asking I want one she said I don’t want any so I did not think of anything because I just woke up but after an hour she got up me because I did not ask her for cup tea. How hard it is to just simply say I want one too. So people were happy for new year and mine started with the shit. We were camping behind her Mums house so so goes inside few times for toilet and then make cup tea . She had a go at me and I did not say anything back but instead I took the bike and went for ride and I thought she will come back after making coffee . But she stay in the house and kids were by them self in the tent . Now I was in trouble because I left the kids by themselves but I wasn’t in the tent she was .

She says I am always looking for women but I am not .i have two kids and I want my kids to respect me and not think as cheating dad. If it does not workout then I am going to stay single . I have two kids and I willing to give them my time.

When I think about the arguments I just want out but looking at my kids I want to stay and it break my heart for them to see sad.

Financially I am paying everything for the house in rent , bills , rego. I even paid for her son school list and shoes last year out of my credit card.

She hate my mum and my kids can’t talk to my mum and I can’t even mention word my mum in the house and if want to talk to my mum I have to go outside the house . She don’t want me to put pressure on the kids for talking to my mum which I don’t . But she have scared kids for not to talk . Last time when I ask my daughter to talk to grandma, she said I need to ask mum first and she was so scared.

[Croix]

Dear Sam K~

OK, thank you for coming back and saying what would be the ideal situation for you, to stay in harmony and both raise your kids.

Before going any further I'll point out that couples that separate do not end their relationship at that point, they still -hopefully- work together on the raising of children, which often means weekly or fortnightly contact and agreements on what to do.. If there is little cooperation or no agreement things can become very difficult indeed.

Please don't think I'm trying to discourage you from that path, merely mentioning is has its own problems. Staying has different problems.

Sometimes people get into habits of behavior and thinking, not always good habits. Do you think if you were able to take a strong line and insisted on counseling that might be a positive? If the alternative was divorce that is a pretty big incentive to try to live together with less strife.

On another matter do you know what the problem is she has with your mum?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Sam, from what you told us, I wouldn't and couldn't expect any of this to continue, you are constantly being made to be the inadequate person in this marriage with all her embarrassing and demeaning comments.

I would be consulting a lawyer not only for the benefit of yourself but also for the kids who are growing up and need to be guided in a more suitable way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Sam, I'm just seeing how you are going, it's been a couple of days since you posted.

Geoff.

[MsPurple]

HI Sam

I thought I'd come back and see how you were going. Thanks for coming back

I thought I should add although I am now 27, I was a kid of divorse. Not once, but twice. My mum and dad divorsed when I was around 4. My dad married another woman when I was 11 and divorsed again when I was 14. First married ended because my mum had a bipolar episode and left for someone else (never physically cheated), my mum still regrets it. The second divorse the other woman wasn't nice to me, and wasn't nice to my dad. Basically she was mean. She made him run around like a mad chicken, doing a lot of the house work and working full time (she got a nanny to do the rest of the house work and barely lifted a finger). I'm a bit bias because I didn't like my dads second wife, but they gave me a beautiful sister out of it so worth it.

The reason I am saying this is because both myself and my sister (technically half sister because different mum) agree it was better to grow up with parents of divorse than with parents being unhappy and always fighting. I remember how miserable dad was and it made me feel terrible. I felt like I couldn't please him and it put pressure on me to do so. When he divorsed I still saw him half the time (with divorse number 1 he had me majority of the time until mum found her own feet).

I am not encouraging you either way. I just want you to know that kids can be happy with two loving parents even if they are not together. Plus my dad is now with someone else (my sister is 16 and lives with her and loves her). I am glad my dad tried to find love. My mum hasn't found anyone since she broke up with that guy, but I always hoped she would. You don't have to stay single just for your kids, kids want you to be happy too

[Sam_K]

I have been really depressed last two weeks before this long weekend. I tried to avoid getting into arguments and just kept my lips shut while she is having whing . That did not help . Finally she got the job last week. I said I will do the shopping this week . Normally she does shopping out of my pay and she willhave money for fuel for her car and bit more and I pay all the bills.when I go shopping I like to look at the special but I would still spend about $200 on shopping. The moment I said I will do the shopping she just blasted , screaming at my face.Saying I want save money for mum . Calling my mum names she did not teach me manners .I don’t give my mum money every month. I gave her 1000 in 2016 because I was working FIFO and was making good money and I gave her 700 last year because she had surgery.When my mum came visit us I told her (wife) I don’t want to argue front my mother because I never tell anyone about what goes in my life. but she could not help herself. Now Every time when she is screaming at me she abuses my mum. On the other side My mother has been asking how is she and waned to talk to my daughters but I have been lying to her , they are sleep or I am out of the house or they aren’t home. Because she (wife) said my kids can’t even say hello to my mother. I did not tried when she is not home because older daughter is too scared of her

my birthday was on weekend and I did not even get a wish if I did that I would be in shit for years . I buy her things. On Valentine’s Day , July our anniversary, September marriage anniversary, October her birthday then Christmas. Even sometimes I don’t feel like doing it but I still do it .

i managed to put my stress aside and tried to be happy with kids and with her this weekend. I was stress free and was looking forward for this week at work. But my stress free time did not last longer . Just after 9 when I was getting ready to sleep in lounge room as usual. She comes out of the room started going off about past arguments. Every time we have arguments I am being hit if I hit it back she will call the police for sure. Yesterday i tried not to get into argument when she said something.

I work day time and she got evening time job last week . I was thinking about asking her to separate tomorrow morning but now I will be responsible if she have to leave just after a week. It’s another thing on my head. It’s 12:30am now and I have get up at4:10am.for work.

I just don’t want to see my girls upset 😢