Narcissistic parent of my children

[Elf911]

I'm looking for unbiased opinion on a topic. My ex partner, father of three of my children, we have been separated for 18 months now and he want to reconcile without even sitting at a table to explain how it all ended in the first place. For thirteen years we were together, he took control of every aspect of our lives, right down to the coin to spend on food for our kids, I was totally under his thumb. For a long while it was easier for him to do so with small children to care for but it went beyond control, he made me question my own sanity and safety with him on more than one occasion. Now out of this relationship and try to maintain communication for my children's sake of having a father, I see all the lies and manipulation that I previously had rose coloured glasses on for. Now since I mentioned lawyers for parenting agreements he is sending messages to ask me if we can fix things. In my head I can not see a future where 1. He is not completely transparent and submissive as I was in the past as I'm have gained my independence and am never giving it up again; 2 that will ever agree to give up the things that lead us to break up, eg gambling and search for money; 3 I in my right mind cannot really expect him to change as so, I don't want a puppet to love with strings attached and in so couldn't ask him to be a different person. So how do I get what I need from him; closure and commitment to our children, without that narcissistic personality in the mix. He likes playing games and seeing a person's reaction. Do I be straight and tell him I will never entertain the idea of reconciliation and what dame the results of his reaction as I know it will be negative or play this slow and ask for commitments such as therapy and time before his actions inevitable show his intentions and throw it up as you weren't able to for fill what you were asking as an equal in this relationship therefore it can not happen. Either way my children will suffer as they already are because of his actions. I am stuck in a hard place. 

[Elf911]

Croix-

It crowded most days, but think it is teaching them some valuable skills, like conflict resolution and they are spending more time outside then they ever have. Less screen time is a plus. But I can tell you bed time is a challenge, they are never quite. My poor nanna has been teaching them old school manners, because they scream and flight all the time, so she tells them off. My Dad and nanna have been priceless in their support. I am ever grateful for it. I spent the last year get my driver's license, it was liberating to go out without relying on others. Now I can be more involved in my kids school life. My son tells me I am embarrassing at assembly but I tell him great I'll do it more. 😍

[Croix]

Dear Elf911~

That sounds a pretty good setup, and I'm sure getting your license would have been so liberating. I would not have thought of caravan life teaching conflict resolution and other life skills. You do have a way of seeing positives.

To have willing and able grandparents there to love and offer a different mode of life is invaluable.

I loved your reply to your son "great I"ll do more of it".  Kids do have to learn love comes in different ways.

Crowded may be inevitable however my suggestion you have some 'me time' still holds. You are in this situation that piles stress on stress so you need to have an excape

Croix

[Elf911]

I caught up with a friend last week that I hadn't seen in ten years. It was brilliant, we were like nothing has changed, just the same we had ever been. That was my me time. 

I found out today that legal aid will not grant me aid for my parenting agreement so I'm back to step one, try and get my ex partner to cooperate. I can't afford the expense of lawyers to get this settled.

Do you know of any low or no cost mediation groups that might be able to help in the wide bay/ Fraser Coast area in QLD? I know years ago there was but much has changed. In any regards, I'll have to have another sit down with a lawyer to ask for advice. 

Feels like one step forward two steps back at this point. I'm relying on the fact I know that he can't handle our kids for a prolonged amount of time, for him not to just up and leave with them on one of his few visits. I would have no legal powers to have them returned. At least that's what the lawyer had told me before. 

It's frustrating how little power we have now in this politically correct society for situations like this. Nothing surprises me with my ex partner anymore, he is capable of causing trouble just because he can. 

I'm also relying on the fact that he is currently dodging civil proceedings in court, for a scum he ripped people off. They haven't been able to serve him because he has no fixed address. He still refuses to give me anything. Yet thinks that he can text me to fix things and put some money for the children in my account. He thinks I'll be pacified by money, he really doesn't know me at all. I will except the money, but that will not stop me for getting this agreement on paper. 

[Croix]

Dear EFl911~

I'm very glad you were able to see your friend again, a little normalcy in a life that is in upheaval.

I can't say I'm that surprised about Legal Aid, in all states they seem to be somewhat limited in what they can take on.

No, I don't know of free services in your area, except Womens' Legal Services may have branch nearby - the link I have given you is the national HQ, and they have a listing for each state. I'm not sure they can help but would be worth a try. I'm sure they will have heard of similar situations before.

Perhaps you might like to contact our own 24/7 Help Line as well , they may have some ideas.

It is frustrating to feel so powerless, particularly as it sounds like he is making things difficult on purpose because he knows you can do little - at the moment.

Things do change, in the meantime i would think you are able to make the caravan a fun comfortable place for the kids - and yourself.

Croix

[Elf911]

I was able to get in contact with relationship Australia and I am waiting for my appointment. Hopefully they can help with this parenting agreement. 

As of the 17th of June, people that he appears to have ripped off through his business dealings has sued for debt recovery and for 11 people on file, were awarded 4.8 million dollars. His narcissistic behavior has no boundaries, and yet he continues to claim he is innocent in this matter. I sure as hell never seen any of this money, begging every week while we were together for the cash for household expenses. 

I would like nothing better then to allow myself and my children to move on in life without him in it. But I accept father's have amount in rights. I'm anonymous online because I don't want to attract attention of those people he has so clear pissed off over money. 

In truth, I have a better relationship with my children now than when we were a couple. That I am grateful for. Trying to be grateful for the things that are in my control to change and accept the things I can not. 

[Croix]

Dear Elf911~

Sorts of reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

Give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

I"m not surprised you are getting on better with oyur kids, your ex would have tried to force a wedge between you, and even just his influence would have been harmful

No, I guess wiht that large a series of debts and debtors there would be nothing left. I hope you have enough income as it sounds very much as if you are on your own in that department.

You are very capable person with a very positive attitude. Irrespective of you circumstances I think you can be an inspiration to others.

Croix

[Elf911]

The serenity prayer is my inspiration. 

There is nothing, because I left with nothing. It is well gone what ever the debt might be. 

I do try to be positive and on the outside that is what people will see but inside that parts I don't share even with my closest family and friends, I'm struggling to get pass the what ifs? 

He has been messaging me with lots of sorrys and please forgive me, and I know it's all my fault. I am still waiting for my promises face to face meeting for questions and answers. 

There were moments of happiness and love in our previous relationship but they were few and far between. He says he will do anything that I ask, but I know this to be foolish hope. I know if I asked him to completely give up gambling, which is his means to all this financial issues, it will not happen. But I truly believe that his issues go far deeper than an addiction.

I am scared of if I give him that ultimative, that he will give it all up and that he might actually do that what I ask. 

My reality check is that will never happen. But the what if actually scares me. I don't even know if I have the strength to demand it. 

I try to be positive and brave but under it all is a scared little girl who ultimately doesn't want to be alone. 

I know returning to what was broken well before braking, will do no good for me and my children but I guess I still hold that small hope of what could have been. 

[Croix]

Dear Elf911~

Of course you yearn for the times that were good and ream about the 'maybe's, it is only natural, and I'm sure there must have been good times, at least at first. This really does lead to two hard things, the first trying to be realistic as to what would happen if you got back together. When he is in 'promise mode' many things seem possible.

The second is being alone, an unhappy state, and one it is very understandable to be afraid of. All I can say it looks to me from you writing you have a lot to offer the right person.

Neither path is easy.

You may well be right, that his issues go deeper and perhaps could only be addressed by proper informed therapy. If that were to happen and you were together I think you would have to play a part in ensuring his therapist had an accurate picture and being supportive at home  for small victories -not in the least easy eaither.

Still, it may be you will not have to make a decision after the face to face if he does not manage to convince you things would be different.

I hope you keep on letting us know how things go

Croix

[Elf911]

He has finally agreed to a meeting. While I welcome a chance to talk about the things that have not been spoken about I am apprehenctive about the outcome of this meeting. 

He says he loves me but I know that he can not make the life changes to have me in his life in a meaningful way, but is it enough for our children? He says in his texts that he will do anything that I ask to be able to be in his children's lives but he also says in not so many words that he doesn't want to face the problems that he created. 

There clearly is no easy quick fix and I know he knows that and all this was never to fix things but closure for him. Already twice mentioned another women that he was unable to say he loved, another ploy to guilty me or something. 

I am just over all the games. I want MY life back. 

[Elf911]

I meet with my ex partner today to talk in person for the first time since our separation over 18 months ago. He was so apologetic and agreeable with everything I asked him to do to move forward in co-parenting. It was very unbelievable behavior for me to believe it to be sincere. I made a point in saying apologies are just words, I need an amends in actions, to be functioning co-parents and made it clear there is no future where we are romantically involved. 

He agreed to a mediation for a parenting agreement and moving forward to go to therapy/psychology to work on his own shit. Also agreed to be held accountable to going and letting me be involved in this process to prove he can be a functioning father.

While this gives me a small amount of hope he can change, I hold no delusions about the future. But I at least feel like I took back the control over my life that I should never have let go of. 

I am proud that I told him all the years of abuse were never good enough and I won't be letting him treat me that way again. 

He still playing the victim when it comes to his business debt, that it is some conspiracy about him doing so well that the gambling companies had to threatened him, and it was all to keep me and the child safe. Which involved houses being shot up and followed. Still very unbelievable. 

I told him he needs to give up gambling and start attending AA meetings. He insists that this danger is no longer relevant because he stopped gambling already. 

Only time will tell if he really wants to be a functioning father, by his actions.