Narcissistic parent of my children

[Elf911]

I'm looking for unbiased opinion on a topic. My ex partner, father of three of my children, we have been separated for 18 months now and he want to reconcile without even sitting at a table to explain how it all ended in the first place. For thirteen years we were together, he took control of every aspect of our lives, right down to the coin to spend on food for our kids, I was totally under his thumb. For a long while it was easier for him to do so with small children to care for but it went beyond control, he made me question my own sanity and safety with him on more than one occasion. Now out of this relationship and try to maintain communication for my children's sake of having a father, I see all the lies and manipulation that I previously had rose coloured glasses on for. Now since I mentioned lawyers for parenting agreements he is sending messages to ask me if we can fix things. In my head I can not see a future where 1. He is not completely transparent and submissive as I was in the past as I'm have gained my independence and am never giving it up again; 2 that will ever agree to give up the things that lead us to break up, eg gambling and search for money; 3 I in my right mind cannot really expect him to change as so, I don't want a puppet to love with strings attached and in so couldn't ask him to be a different person. So how do I get what I need from him; closure and commitment to our children, without that narcissistic personality in the mix. He likes playing games and seeing a person's reaction. Do I be straight and tell him I will never entertain the idea of reconciliation and what dame the results of his reaction as I know it will be negative or play this slow and ask for commitments such as therapy and time before his actions inevitable show his intentions and throw it up as you weren't able to for fill what you were asking as an equal in this relationship therefore it can not happen. Either way my children will suffer as they already are because of his actions. I am stuck in a hard place. 

[Croix]

Dead Efl911~

Well, I guess that meeting was a bit of a mixed bag, though I got the impression beforehand you did not think things could return to how they were. He did express willingness to improve however who knows if he will make an effort -I hope so.

Feeling you are in charge of your life is a pretty big milestone, and if the meeting did nothing else it was worth it for that .

Twisting thngs around so it seems he is protecting you is simply too far fetched. I'm not sure how he expects that to be believed.

Similarly saying he has stopped gambling and does not need AA sounds a bit hopeful. I'm glad you have no delusions over the future, you strike me as a very realistic person.

If you felt like it I would like to know how things progress

Croix

[Elf911]

Things can never return to the way they were, because it was an abusive relationship and I'm stronger now. Nor with the children, I am holding the reins and refuse to have these adult conversation in front of my children.

Before I had no power to speak and now I will not stay quiet when I don't agree with what he is going. 

My children deserve the best that I can do for them. 

It's strange but satisfying to share with complete strangers. I thank you for your support. 

[Croix]

Dear Elf911~

You are very welcome though frankly you are doing all the heavy lifting, I'm just feeding in a little encouragement from the sidelines.

By 'taking the reigns' you are doing the best for your children. For them to live in an abusive household means they have no idea what a proper family is like, something they will need themselves if they ever have a relationship.

Not having these discussions in front of them is excellent. They hopefully will not be so prone to 'take sides', something that happens all to often and is so destructive.

I just hope you are up to constantly interacting with someone who appears an overgrown selfish child.

Croix

[Elf911]

Well mediation is agreed on and an agreement drawn up now. In the larger picture for my children I'd call successfully agreement. Not binding off course that cost more and takes a lot long to get into court. He agreed to financial support as his incomes fall out side government regulations. He agreed to attend therapy and gambling counseling with transparency for my attendance as accountability. He is moving closer to us, to work towards regular fortnight visits with the children. He was so agreeable in mediation is was like listen to a stranger. 

The downfall in this situation is that I will have to spend time with him to prove he is putting in the effort with his mental health and addiction. He asked that I come with for the first two visit so he could get in the swing of taking care of the children's needs, I agreed only because it happened to be two children's birthdays when he next visits. It's my opinion if he can't handle the children without me present he shouldn't have them. 

On that topic, from an adult healing from trauma's, in my perspective I worry this is another ploy in some sick game for him, play all nice now and then play victim again. I also worry that it is a means to insert himself back in my life and to manipulate me again. We were discussing your child's birthday present today, I made a huge thing of not going crazy and spoiling the children unnecessarily every time he visits. Even got it into our agreement. He sends me a text saying "I hope you have a nice day and the kids are behaving for you" with 😘 emoji at the end. I immediately sent back " just so we are clear, this communication is for our children and the purpose of being parents. Don't send me kiss emojis it is inappropriate." I am not going to get sucked into his sick twisted reality again. He just dismissed it as an error of button pressing. 

Only time will tell I suppose. I just hope I can cope with his presence, it makes my skin crawl to be around he now. I know I am only doing all this for my children but if he doesn't keep our agreement he knows I will be forced to stop his visits based on his lack of mental health commitments. Then he will play victim again. 

It is a relief to get the agreement in place but still so stressful at the prospects moving forward. 

[Croix]

Dear Elf911~

I think you have done amazingly well, and have passed a real hurdle (more of a mountain) in your efforts to get a livable life for yourself and your children.

I'm not sure his presence is going to be as bad as you fear. Before was your learning period, when you though bitter experience found out all his tricks and how you reacted to them.

Now you know them and are on the alert, I'm sure you will sense each and stop it from going too far.

Your kids will benefit greatly from your wisdom and determination. They could not have a better example.

It was very good to get your update and we remain interested in how you get on

Croix

[Elf911]

Go figure, it didn't take long for him to try pull a swifty with me. Part of our parenting agreement was firstly for him to find a residential address to have the children came stay with. So I have been pushing that he comply with our agreement. Finally Christmas drawing closer I insist that if doesn't provide an address soon he will not being see the children before Christmas. So he set up this elaborate ruse, to show me his place. So I demanded proof of address in the form a lease, because I knew this is not where he is living because has given two different addresses and is always away working. I don't want the children living with him in air bnb accommodation. They should have a home, a regular place to come to when he has them, not a different one everytime. 

Well he provided a lease as asked, and explained he was just getting moved in that's why there was no furniture other then basic air bnb style furniture, when I met him there. So I spoke to the real-estate in question just to see if I could confirm any information, I expected to be told for privacy reasons blar blar blar. I ask ex partner to ring the real-estate and give permission to speak to me, so he did. I had a private call ring me back claiming to be the real-estate agent, told me that he could not give me any info but could confirm that the document provided to was legit. Okay, I almost accepted defeat. Driving home I was rang again by the real-estate but this time a number displayed on the screen. I pulled over and answered, the real-estate agent sounded different and claimed to be the man I was just speaking to. So I told him everything, he told me the ex partner was not on the lease for address I asked about and the document I provided to their office earlier to look into was false. Busted. 100% caught in his lie. I told him because of his lies that he was not going to see the children and I no longer care to try organising anything again. 

You can imagine, he played the victim, I don't know what your talking about. Of course I'm the villain now. Kids are pissed off because they can't see Dad for Christmas but I have told the closest thing to the truth, there father has lied about where he is living and I want you to safe when visiting. I can't be sure of that if I don't actually know where he is and because that was what we both agreed to do for co parenting. 

So once again he is playing games, but I am one step ahead this time, I am not relinquishing what little power I have over this situation until I'm sure it's a legit. 

Again currently no accountable for his addiction or mental health, which was agreed on too. 

I wish nothing more for my children to spend time with there father but not under false pretenses. I could use a break from them all. 

Holiday are here and weather has been garbage so moods have been a reflection of the weather. Two asd children don't handle change well and the youngest has been regressing all the positive progress that we have achieved this year. Screaming a lot and lots of anxiety about the changes that are happening. 

It's hard just to spend to time with them, there's so much negativity. My own mental space is being stretched. 

Taking one day at a time.